Thursday, January 31, 2008

What's your word...

While playing Scrabble last night with friends I realized there is a definite advantage to being in this country: Australian vocabulary. So when push came to shove and in the US I would have been trapped holding tiles: X V O H N K L, I quickly was able to form H-O-O-N in a spot with an available O.

And it included a double-letter score as well.

Sweet.

- Farmer Ted

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Bling, baby, bling...

Went to a local mall today looking for a bicycle. It had actually been a while since I'd been in a mall, something so ubiquitous in America I would have been hard pressed to remember the last time I hadn't been in a mall. As I sat on a bench outside a store waiting for Butters to make a purchase, I couldn't help but people watch.

C'mon! Isn't that really half the reason we go to malls?

What struck me here is what also struck me in the US: parents with infants. Specifically, parents with infants in these carriers where the baby is plastered to their chest FACING OUTWARDS. First off, think how disconcerting it would be to the infant, looking for the assurance of the warmth of a loving parent to hold onto with their short helpless arms, and instead being confronted with mall schlock and even worse, teenagers with no dermatological care.

Puts me to mind of the bling worn by that ex-rapper and reality show never-shoulda-been Flava-Flav. You remember, the one that always wore the clock around his neck.

Brrrr. Makes my blood run cold.

- Farmer Ted

Monday, January 28, 2008

Observing the Aussies: Summertime blues...

Today is the first day of work after Australia Day and there's something I've noticed going on at work: post-holiday blues.

I used to think that happened right after Christmas, but I see that here in Australia it rather tends to be following Australia Day. Why? As one Aussie observed to me, "Australia Day is like Labor Day and 4th of July to you Americans but all rolled into one." That is, it celebrates the founding of Australia AND it's the last summer holiday weekend before school starts.

And sure enough, reports indicate the office supply and variety stores were packed over the weekend with shoppers getting school supplies. Everyday except the holiday Monday - of course. As I was driving around I saw many cars filled with a university student plus far too much stuffed in the back seat of some little junker headed for the city and the start of a new term.

What I didn't think about, and this installment remarks on, is the fact that there is a significant percentage of Australians that left work before Christmas and today is their first day back. It's so common that a morning show was doing street interviews of them on their way to work. And as they arrived at my office looking all sleek, tan, and well fed the bonhomie of these workers, nevertheless once confronted with the MAG*, wilted under the glare of work like Betty Ramsey's wax tulips on that episode of I Love Lucy.

Back to reality. Back to life.

- Farmer Ted

*Moderate Australian Grind

Friday, January 25, 2008

"Celebrate what's great.."

I can't believe that this is my second Australia Day in Adelaide. And Australia Day 2007 in Adelaide promises to be of such boring proportions that even last years festivities will seem like New Years in Times Square.

So to avoid all the fuss (and falling shrapnel) I'm joing many other folks and just going to the beaches.

Uh-oh. Maybe I'm turning Aussie after all.

- Farmer Ted

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Talking heads...

While watching my usual morning show on TV this morning, I was surprised to see the anchor that had been covering the terrible floods in Queensland back in the studio at the anchor desk. "What's this?" I wondered, "the floods are definitely not over. Hey, didn't I just see a story on the on-going flooding?" Then I realized, the story he had just reported was that the flood waters had crested and were, in fact, receding. His very earnest field stories had been on the "fear of the rising waters keeping poor Gladys up all night with worry" and documenting the obligatory dog stranded by flood waters in a tree. So I guess now that the waters were going down, there was no more misery to show and keep us riveted to the screen.

"They've not seen anything like this since then, but it was nothing like this," he spouts.

I think the worst fall from grace in this account has been Anderson Cooper, the journalist I probably admire more than any other even before his coverage of the misery in New Orleans during and after Hurricane Katrina. His coverage of the US presidential primaries is so inane, so egregiously talking head that even Jon Stewart is taking the piss. Yikes.

But back to our intrepid anchor now in the studio. I observed that he would most likely make it back out to that flooded area again. This time just when the Queensland flood waters subside and the evacuees are allowed back to their homes. After all you gotta be there to document the despair on their faces as they first see the devastation of their ruined lives don't you?

Now THAT, I guess, is news.

- Farmer Ted

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

International House of Horrors: Fred goes home...

So, Hollywood actor turned GOP presidential candidate Fred Thompson has thrown in the towel and given up the bid for his party's nomination after a humiliating show in the South Carolina primaries. While there will be much analysis as to why his campaign failed, I figured why not me too. I think he fell wrong by comparing himself to Ronald Reagan, a comparison inexplicably made by each of the other GOP candidates as well. So since Mr Thompson insisted, here is the Farmer Ted Tote Board to help us understand the differences:

AWARDS:
Ronald Reagan: Hollywood actor, winning a 1957 Golden Globe and has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame;
Fred Thompson: Hollywood actor, losing the 2004 Best Ensemble Cast SAG Award but getting a kick-ass farewell card from the cast of Law & Order.

PERSONALITY:
Reagan: Charming and gregarious, making people like him no matter what;
Thompson: Rough & gravelly, making you think of the old man in "that house" that always chased you as a kid.

LEGACY:
Reagan: Has over 81 airports, naval vessels, institutions and bridges & highways named in his memory;
Thompson: Has his name on his mailbox.

WIFE:
Reagan: Nancy, who wielded unprecedented power over the oval office and shocked the nation by wearing a red dress to Ronald Reagan's first inauguration;
Thompson: He has a wife?

ALSO KNOWN AS:
Reagan: Ronald Wilson Reagan -> Sgt. Ronald Reagan -> Lt. Ronald Reagan -> Governor Ronald Reagan -> President Ronald Reagan;
Thompson: Fred Dalton Thompson -> Freddie Thompson -> Sen. Fred Thompson -> Fmr. Sen. Fred Thompson.

I think that last one speaks for itself.

- Farmer Ted

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Observing the Aussies: A travelogue...

DAY 1-THE TRIP
DEAR DIARY, Arrived at the bus station to catch the Limestone Coast bus down to Robe this past weekend. A bus station a co-worker described by saying, "reminds me of one of those bus stations when a kid is running away in a 1950s movie." Hmph. Only if the kid was harassed by drunks shouting at him, "Hey buddy!" The bus itself was surprisingly comfortable, the passengers consisting mostly of housewives, students, and concessioners going nowhere. The trip was surprisingly swift considering the tiny hamlets we stopped along the way. These Aussies showed their native ingenuity by using this same bus as a package delivery service for these places as well.

DAY 2-IN ROBE
DEAR DIARY, Now I know Robe is not quite the outback; it is, however, in the part of South Australia that can only be called "earthy". There is something called The Great Southern Muster going on and the guy next door spent all day shining his cherry red Ute SS for the Ute judging contest. Now THAT is earthy. The town itself is quite pretty though and the beaches are so much better than Ocean City, MD! At the restaurant for dinner, a wedding reception for two local young people was going on next door. I knew it was a wedding because the bride arrived carrying a stubbie. The groom's song played was "Sweet Child O'Mine" by Guns'n'Roses. How romantic! Then her song played: "These Boots Were Made for Walking" by Nancy Sinatra. Diary? If I were the grooms parents I woulda been exchanging worried looks right about then.

DAY 3-GOING HOME
DEAR DIARY, Hitched a ride in Butters' car for the trip home. Which was a relief cause while I'm as seasoned a traveler as the next guy I won't miss the joy of sitting next to a bus restroom. The weather was beautiful and I almost had my head out the window looking at everything. I do wonder, Diary, why so many kangaroos were taking naps by the side of the highway, though. But it was a great trip. A great place. And I'd gladly go again.

- Farmer Ted.

Monday, January 21, 2008

One if by land, two if by sea...

My American business colleagues landed yesterday, we all meeting up to talk about various topics and more importantly recalibrate after months of communicating by phone and e-mail. As we drank glasses of South Australia wine (provided by your Farmer) and caught up on each other's news I must admit I'd been a while since I'd felt at ease like this here in Australia. For just a few hours I could listen to chatter, make observations, and joke around knowing the complete context of everything. Not having to worry about things when I'm with a group of Australians like: did I hear the joke correctly? Should I laugh at this story or would they get offended because I think I know what it means? Do I have to explain the background of what I'm talking about so the listener "gets it"?

I guess this is really nothing new as anyone in this situation has faced the same thing. But ya know, it was good to not be on my guard for just a little while.

- Farmer Ted

Friday, January 18, 2008

It's raining, it's pouring...

It's raining here today.

Now, to the average reader this pronouncement would be met with a shrug and a click-through to YouTube. But given it's summer. In Australia. This is met by your average denizen with whoops and shouts.

I kid you not, people had their faces pressed against the glass to look at this phenomenon we in the US take for granted.

Why? Because here in South Australia the last rainfall is normally in November and then doesn't rain again until the end of April.

And surprise, suprise! The rain wasn't predicted by the BOM.

But I will say, even your Farmer was a bit surprised by the rain. Not that I did a rain dance or anything like one of my co-workers.

But then again, I'm not Australian.

- Farmer Ted

Thursday, January 17, 2008

My MacWorld and welcome to it...

Now that I've had my Mac-mini for a few months, I got a bone to pick with Steve Jobs.

Sure MacWorld 2008 stunned the world and I got lotsa nice things to say about the Macintosh over a Windows-based machine, but there may be a few suggestions I have to get even more converts:

INCLUDE SOME INSTRUCTIONS, WILL YA! Ok, so I know it supposed to be intuitive-like and all but can we have a few more instructions included other than how to connect it all up? Once I did hook it up and then turned it on and marveled appropriately at the kickass apple icon, I was faced with the annoying fact that I didn't know f*ck all to do with the thing. So I just sat, feeling like a kid having been given the space shuttle for his 12th birthday and told, "See yaz latah!"

HEY, HOW ABOUT SOME USEFUL SOFTWARE? iLife, my eye! I'd like simple inexpensive programs that allow me to work with Microsoft created documents or simply view pictures in a slideshow without having to either import 'em or put a tag on 'em. This seems to be beyond the comprehension of the software engineers at Apple, who instead decided to unleash Safari on the Win world and so prove Win apps are better after all.

LESS LEFT-BRAIN, MORE LOGIC AS TO HOW THINGS WORK. Of course I like the softer way Macs work as well as the next person, but can we get some logic to its operation as well? For example in MacMail, I wanted to change my mail server. Thinking "Easy! I'll go in, delete the old mail server and put in the details for the new one." I startled koalas with my screams of anguish as at the same time MacMail proceeded to happily delete every single message I ever received or sent from my account. Weakly going to Apple support and looking up the topic there it was in black and white, "Deleting a mail server will delete all messages sent or received from that server." It was followed by another line which simply had on it, "Duh."

Yeah, I know you have this success under your belt, Steve. But just remember NeXt, Lisa, and the Apple IIe and be humble.

Be very very humble.

- Farmer Ted

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

International House of Horrors: The race card...

I wondered when race when finally become a factor in the US Democratic Party race for nomination. With one of the front runners being a black American, Sen Barack Obama, and the other a white American, Sen Hillary Clinton, I figured it was only a matter of time.

Sadly, my prediction has come true.

In the heated political world of sound bites and spin doctors, those who try to foment dissent found their opening in remarks by Sen Clinton about the 1964 Civil Rights legislation. A remark that while historically correct is not the popularly held view. Who seized upon this difference and escalated it to "an issue" is unclear, but the result has been to divide a black constituency in the US that needs, now more than ever, to have a single clear voice. And instead we are listening to other voices that are trying to make us less than we could be.

What we can be.

Together.

- Farmer Ted

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Flora and Fauna (3)...

Close on the heels of my first Australian wildlife sighting, came a second one. Driving towards Beachport SA at 110 Kpm, the car directly in front of us swerved alarmingly. Quicker than you can say "jolly swagman" Butters was also swerving to avoid flattening a very strange creature crossing the road in front of us.

What I took to be a porcupine at first turned out to be an echidna. A very strange looking critter that seems to live by eating ants. I observed that it must be an endangered species since a) it was out in the daytime, which on an Australian summer day in the area can reach +40C (something that caused the expiration recently of a co-workers cat); and, 2) while it was obviously trying to hustle across the road, it was also evidently not all that fast, and definitely not speedy enough to avoid a moving vehicle.

Run, little echidna! A fast as an echidna can!

Btw, it did make it to the other side without incident. After all, I would hardly call an animal seen, er, napping on the side of the road noteworthy. Knowaddamean?

- Farmer Ted

Monday, January 14, 2008

Observing the Aussies: Gimme shelter...

It's an amazing subculture here: Australian men and their sheds. And I'm not talking about any men, these are almost exclusively married Australian men. And their sheds appear to be the only place they feel they can sit back on their thrown, crack open a beer, and survey their exclusive demesnes free of interference from "the little woman" - even if it's only four feet square. It's where men keep their treasures like power tools, half finished projects, and the nudie calendars. All the married men at my office talk about theirs, invariably adding wistfully that all they want to make their shed complete is a portable fridge and a toilet.

The shed as a male cultural icon is so prevalent there is a book written about the phenomenon as well as a website for a support organization called (I kid you not) The Men's Sheds in Australia Association.

Meanwhile, on a trip back from the Limestone Coast recently I innocently asked whether livestock out grazing in the blazing sun are ever given shelter and was told, "A shed? Um, no. They are born, live, and die under the open sky."

Seems like there's a lesson in there somewhere.

- Farmer Ted

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Summer heat...

It's officially 40C here today. That's about 104F in the normal scale. Went out today and once the door opened it literally took my breath away.

I could swear I saw a bird trying to take flight burst into flames.

Now THAT, my friend, lets you know it's hot!

- Farmer Ted

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Flora and Fauna (2)...

A bit ago I wrote about the very strange flora & fauna here in Australia. The sad reality of it all being, while I've even eaten it, I've never actually seen any animals in the wild close up.

That is until this week when a co-worker came to my desk excitedly wanting to show me something in a thicket of gum tree saplings just outside the back door of the office building. When despite my best efforts I couldn't see at what he was pointing, we moved closer. And what did I see clinging to the bole of a sapling doing its best imitation of Demi Moore's pole dance in the movie Striptease but none other than a juvenile koala!

As my guide was telling me things like "Oh, they sleep 19 hours a day," this one's head swiveled rather alertly in our direction and STARED.

Did you know koala bears look all cuddly and cute just like all the plush toys you've seen? Did you also know that those cuddly representation leave off a set of very lethal looking claws? Did you also know they make strong eucalyptus smelling urine and even spit when disturbed, possibly explaining why you've never seen a "live action" koala doll?

Needless to say I just observed this one from a respectable distance. And I'm sure that suited Mr/Ms Koala just fine.

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: Weather forecasting...

One thing I've discovered here on-station is that Australian Bureau of Meteorology (the US equivalent of the National Weather Service) is good at one thing: historical recording of the weather. When it comes to actually forecasting the weather they appear to have only two predictions, which are "completely wrong" and "partially wrong". This is particularly true when it comes to predicting rain, where the perception is that the BOM is accurate only 50% of the time. And this in a country where rain is so critical! To put it in other words, you could flip a coin and be just as accurate.

Hm. Wonder if I could get paid as a meterologist here? All I'd need is a website and a coin and I'd be set!

- Farmer "Storm" Ted

Sunday, January 06, 2008

A-buzz about flies...

Just got back to Australia from my trip back to US. As I was standing at the luggage belt waiting I was bothered by a goddam fly continuously landing on me.

And ya know, it's a complete mystery to me why there are so many flies in Australia.

I can hear you thinking "What's so bad about a few flies?" Well, in Australia they are of the variety that the moment you step outside squadrons converge on you and head straight for your face. I'm talking of a quantity not seen since the 4th plague of Moses. They neither bite nor sting, just proceed to crawl all over your face and into your mouth, nose, and ears until you find yourself slapping visciously at your face like Curly of the The Three Stooges.

It's sorta fun watching TV folks like news reporters as they are trying to report a story. You'll see flies start to land on their face as they're talking; running and leaving little fly footprints on their perfect make-up, beads of sweat starting on the reporter's forehead as they resist the urge to swat at the little buggers (pardon the pun).

No Australian yet has been able to give me a satisfactory explanation as to why there are so many flies here, nor why they unerringly find you the moment you step out of any fly-free environment. Asking your average Australian gets you a puzzled frown as they start to dispute the question. Then they ruefully laugh, "Ya got me, mate. I have no idea," as they proceed to fan away the nearest flies - an action so common it's been called the Australian salute.

The creepiest though are the sheep farmers who, when I've seen them on television, appear to be completely unbothered by the flies on them as they seem to act as living strips of fly paper.

Brrrr. Makes my blood run cold.

- Farmer Ted

Thursday, January 03, 2008

An open letter to the TSA...

Well I'm on my way back Down Under today. I had a GREAT time in the US seeing family and friends for the holidays. Also got some cool gifts to bring back, especially some Pee-Wee Herman DVDs (thanks Froggy!).

While I'm looking forward to getting back, the one thing I'm not looking forward is the air travel getting there. Or more specifically, dealing with the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) employees. So because I do tend to travel so much, I have a few suggestions for the TSA representatives that contact the general public:

1) STOP SHOUTING! - You're standing in the snaking line going up to the security checkpoint and all you hear over and over is some TSA rep braying instructions at the top of their lungs. Already feeling like an extra in the movie Soylent Green, all this does is make the situation more chaotic and tense. A suggestion? How about a friendly rep or volunteer who walk down the line chatting, providing those same instructions in a one-on-one basis and so and making people feel more at ease.

2) SMILE :-) - Yes, I know you view us as the unwashed masses that just make your life more difficult, but we're not: we're someone's brothers, sisters, friends, and parents. Wouldn't you try and make your own see you actually don't despise them the moment you see them? I also think you'll find that people will be more tractable and cooperative. After all, we want to make your job easier as it makes our travel smoother.

3) A LITTLE COURTESY NEVER HURTS. - An "Excuse me, Sir/Ma'am," a "Yes, please?" when it's my turn to approach you, and a "Thank you, have a good flight," would be most welcome! You are the first experience most travelers will have and more than a grunt and no eye contact really matters overall. I once saw an employee refuse to process an elderly passenger because he didn't have his medicine in a quart bag. Rather than offer him a bag, they told him he would have to get out of line to find one. I think there is a special place in a middle seat at the back of a plane for that TSA person.

To my fellow travelers? I try to give the TSA reps I encounter my best smile and greeting; it's surprising how many respond - usually with amazement.

Perhaps there is a give-and-take here.

- Farmer Ted

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Fear of flying...

What is it with Qantas pilots?

On my trips back and forth down under, I've had a chance to sample the flying prowess of both US and Australian pilots. And I have to say, I prefer the ones for the United States.

Thinking back on the humble origins of the Queensland & Northern Territories Air Service (see! I'll bet there are plenty of Australians out there that had no idea that's what QANTAS stood for!) it was really started by a bunch of people who needed planes to get to the nearest Woolies for a pair of Y-fronts.

Now before Americans laugh, just think of what some of us go through to get to the nearest Wal*Mart, awright?

But it's not the lengths those intrepid pilots went through to fly, but rather the fact that the "seat of the pants/ any landing you walk away from is a good one" mentality I have a problem with. While US pilots sorta of have the feeling that landing should be more like a swan landing on a still lake, Qantas pilots seem to think that landing a plane is more like one of the Swedish Chef's "flappen-jacken" shot down off the ceiling. But what's more amazing is that the cargo of these erstwhile wrangler pilots is about 200 thoroughly complacent Aussies to whom this slap dash approach to getting on the ground seems to mean nothing to.

So a landing where a US pilot would be standing at the exit by way of apology is instead interpreted by Qantas as being a flight attendant mouthing a very indifferent "Bu-bye.." as you pass. Makes you wonder if there were pilots behind that closed cockpit door or was it instead a filming of an episode of Mythbusters.

I guess they can blame it all on overseas maintenance.

- Farmer Ted

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

As the year turns...

Here it is another year turns and another year of blogging! 2008 promises to be very momentous for Your Humble Farmer. As I settle in to watch a day of The Twilight Zone marathon, I do want to give a few shoutouts to the land down under:

o To Pinchy and SAM for making my transition to Australia so easy;

o To Stushie and Ash for showing me more Australia than most Australians have experienced;

But especially to Butters, who has made being in Australia a joy.

And best wishes for a Happy New Year to you, gentle reader!

- Farmer Ted