Men are from Mars...

While flipping through television channels the other day, Butters observed mildly that the sports talk program the tuner rested on momentarily sure was gossipy. I couldn't agree more.

In fact, it led me to look at just how a sports talk program like ESPN SportsCenter is little different than The View as both sit around discussing topics of interest to them with little regard for what's really happening in the world outside. "Yet for all that," I can hear you say, "one is talking sports and the other fluff so they aren't really the same." Well, observe the chart below:

Maybe men and women are from the same planet after all.

- Farmer Ted

The VIII-th Commandment...

Thou shalt not steal.

Seems simple: when it comes to other peoples property, keep your hands to yourself. Oddly, from what I've seen, this rule seems to be more like keep your hands to yourself unless it's something you want.

At the office, I always kept something sitting on my desk: an EASY button. We Americans all know those as they're offered by Staples office supplies in the US; a store and ad campaign unknown in Australia. Pressing the bright red button with easy spelled out in bold white letters rewarded you with a cheerful voice blurting "That was easy!" Needless to say, the easy button was very popular around the office where - because it's an open plan office - folks I knew, and didn't know, would just walk by and press it, laughing and shaking their heads.

So you can imagine my surprise when I came in one day to find it gone. Stolen. Not only stolen but taken out of the building completely since it's the only one of its kind here. It's also a bit obvious as it can't seem to shut up when handled. My annoyance at the whole thing was only eclipsed by my sadness at someone doing it in the first place.

I mentioned it to a friend of mine, an re-pat ex-pat in another city here in Australia. He has a young school-age daughter who was born in the US and is learning to live here now. He related to me how his daughter came to him one day and in all seriousness asked, "Daddy? Why do kids here steal so much?" Surprised, he asked what she meant. "Well," she said,"when we go outside we have to wear hats and kids take anyone's so they can go out." Pronouncing, "That's not right to take something that belongs to someone else."

Out of the mouths of babes...

- Farmer Ted

You just put your lips together and blow...

I was motioned over by the state police for a breathalyzer test this past weekend while entering a town where a rock festival was being held. Now, I have never been pulled over for anything in Australia before, so as I carefully pulled my car onto the soft shoulder and slowly towards the waiting officer I wasn't sure what to expect.

Winding down my window, he stepped up to my car door holding a small black box-like affair sporting a white tube.

"Police breathalyzer test. Do you consent to being tested?" he summarily asked not realizing how I relished this unique experience.

"Of course," I said eagerly.

After pressing a few buttons, causing an angry *beep* to come from the box with each press, he held it so the tube was to my lips.

"Just blow in the end of the breathalyzer tube, thank you" he said.

"Phht!" I blew a quick breath.

I was rewarded with an annoyed *beep* sound from the machine. "Uh, harder," he advised.

"PHHT!"

**BEEP**

"Again, but longer this time," obviously wondering how tough this was going to be.

"PHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT!" I phht'd, I swear turning blue in the face.

I knew I was successful this time because the breathalyzer unit responded with a rather smug beep. A quick look at the unit by the officer and I was waved on my way with a curt "Thanks!"

Oh well, at least I'll remember my first time fondly.

- Farmer Ted

Turkey, bar...

Well here I am "celebrating" the US holiday of Thanksgiving in Australia again. And again it's a non-Thanksgiving for me. An anti-turkey day. A turkey-bar, to misuse a math phrase for the negative.

You would never even know it except for an occasional mention of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in the news and guys coming in saying that sports on FoxTel, the Comcast of Australia, is showing back-to-back football on an off day.

Yeah, the financial world may get pneumonia when the US sneezes. But when it comes to holidays and such? Eh. Not so much.

- Farmer Ted

Email "friends"...

"I have no idea why I get messages from this guy telling he's going to be out of the office", a co-worker, Mobby, complained. "I mean, I have never sent this guy a message and he never sends me anything - except when he's going to be out of the office!"

Yes, we've all had something like this happen to us before. I tend to get them when people change e-mail addresses; then up pops an e-mail from someone who you last heard from when you still had all your hair exhorting you to "make sure you update your contact list with my new information!"

I don't know how to respond politely telling them they were never IN my contact list.

Wonder why people do this? Is it just to make it seem to the rest of the people on the distribution list that they are popular? That all these people you're seeing in the "To:" field care about their whereabouts or how to stay in contact with them?

Guess it's sorta like an e-mail version of the "Friends" feature on MySpace.

For all you out there that like to do this? Be a maverick: put your distribution in the BCC so no one would know about the others.

Now that would really show your mettle.

- Farmer Ted

Grandma's hands...

This Saturday marked the 45th anniversary of the assassination of President John F Kennedy in Dallas, Texas. While that day was one of those so-called defining moments where people say they remember what they were doing, I was far FAR too young then.

What I do remember vividly is visiting my grandmother's house in the southern US as a child. Her living room was unremarkable as far most of that era, with one wall given over to photos and images she found important. I remember there were pictures of her many children, my aunties and uncles - most in military uniforms - smiling out at me through younger eyes; she and her by-then deceased husband in their best, if old-fashioned, clothes. But there were three pictures placed above them all: a photo of John F Kennedy, one of Martin Luther King Jr, and an image of Jesus.

Yes, I may have been too young, but I do remember.

- Farmer Ted

Taking Solace...

A mate, Sam, and I went to see Quantum of Solace, the latest offering in the James Bond movies. Now I love James Bond movies and Daniel Craig in James Bond movies, however I must admit to being a bit disappointed. Not because it wasn't a great ride - it WAS a James Bond movie after all - but when director Marc Forster said he wanted to have an art house feel, I think he achieved that only if the art house was located in an earthquake zone. There was so much of that trendy shaky camera shots that in some sequences I kept wondering, "I'm still in my seat, right?" And sure it had twice as much action, but that's because there were 2 chase scenes and 2 heart-to-heart holdings by our hero. Let me put it this way, at one point Bond returns to the hotel and is handed a message on a piece of paper with one word on it, "RUN!" Let's hope that's what Barbara Broccoli does if the writing team that penned this movie heads her way again.

And while we're on the topic, Australia had it's premiere this week in Sydney and other selected venues to much fanfare as the great celluloid hope of the Australian film industry. Starring Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman, this film has garnered such a loud jingoistic chorus by the critics you'd think it was "Waltzing Matilda" after the 10th shout at the corner pub. The thought of the movie by your average Aussie I've spoken too? Eh, not so much. The one good thing about it is that it's spawned a whole new Australian Tourism campaign "Come Walkabout", shepherded by doe-eyed aboriginal youngster Brandon Walter who played "Nullah" in the movie. Gone forever is the painful "So where the bloody hell are ya!" bleated by the vapid Lara Bingle. Gone is the screech of Bindy Irwin. Now the ads are sleek, cool, and stress how Australia is the antidote for the soul. All it needs is young Brandon to whisper, "Zoom! Zoom!" to be complete.



- Farmer Ted

Just being social...

Your Farmer Ted sucks at social networking on the internet. To me, it's one of those "big things" that will go the way of others like Internet Relay Chat (anyone remember using IRC?). But not only has it been identified as one of the top 10 IT disruptive technologies but it seems like everyone I know says incredulously "YOU don't have a Facebook page?" with that look on their faces as if they smelled a faintly unsavory odor.

Well godammit I don't have any of 'em. Never will. Your Farmer is very leery about flapping his bonafides in the internet breeze for all to see. And that definitely goes for LinkedIn and the same for My Space.

I was speaking to a female acquaintance the other day about my reticence prompting her to comment, "Don't worry about it, go on and join one!" Sensing my confusion, she continued, "That way, when your old classmates link as friends you can have a look to see how bad they look as they've grow older." Finishing with,"Then, you can have a good laugh and just cut them off," and snapped her fingers.

Guess I've been looking at this thing all wrong.

- Farmer Ted

Man in crowd #3...

Ya know, there is something that's always interested me about photographs. As a matter of fact, when it comes to artistic mediums it's probably my favorite. I especially like historical photography. While strictly speaking all photography by it's very nature is historic; but I mean professional slice of life pictures. What fascinates me is looking at the people subjects in these photographs - not the main point of the photo but rather the nameless people that are as integral a part of the shot as the main subject would be.

Look at this 1957 photograph by photographer Jim Shaughnessy showing a Pennsylvania Railroad freight train and operator handing up train orders in Leolyn, Pennsylvania.

When I look at it I think "Who was that guy standing there in the snow handing up the messages to the engineer of that train? What was his name? He looks happy. What was his life like? Was he married? Did he have kids? What made him laugh? What were his dreams?"

I guess I can't answer that anymore than people reading this blog can realistically say about me. Perhaps, when it comes to the playing out of our lives, we're all just trying to not end up being remembered as Man in Crowd #3.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Parity by Christmas...

Lately I've had to ask myself, what good are all these so-called "economic experts" so often quoted and providing sound bites?

For example, both last fall and again this summer during the time the US dollar was weak, economists in Australia were predicting Aussie dollar parity with the US dollar by Christmas. Not only has that not happened, but with the credit meltdown and softness in the commodity markets, it's sunk to levels not seen in years.

While in the US it's easy (and correct) to lay much at the feet of the ex-Fed Chairman, when you get right down to it, the whole subject of economic forecasting just seems to be akin to be a he-said/she-said/he-said of guessing. Especially since economies around the world are now globally tied together inextricably with so many variables in play no one can really tell anything.

As result, you'll always have one set of so-called experts that will predict things go up, another that says it stays the same, and another that it goes down. Of course, one of the three will be right each time; trumpeting their sageness over the others, conveniently forgetting that on the next issue (and likely the previous one) they're the ones grumbling at the fallacy of their bogus prognostications.

My view from the porch these days? I just look at the effects where I live and hold on tight.

- Farmer Ted

Our aim is true...

I see that catchphrase posted on the restroom walls everyday here at work.

It's the Desert Eco System purporting to eliminate (pardon the pun) the use of water in urinals: the much touted waterless system. How it works is rather than flushing, use a blue microbial-packed cube in each unit and turn off the water. Easy-peesy! Water saved! Odors eliminated!

Well, something must be going wrong somewhere cause every place I've been to where it's used I have been left with a far less relieving experience. Despite the glowing testimonials spouted by the manufacturer, restroom with the system invariably smell like the ones I remember at Veterans Stadium after they've been visited by a few thousand male fans during the course of a hot summer baseball game.

I'll leave you with that mind picture for a while.

So despite all the splashy testimonials posted on its website and catchy slogans sprayed on restroom walls all over Australia, I'm not a believer. Personally? I think it's because we're guys and guys are used to a lot that no one is complaining at these patently yellow journalism tactics to keep us quiescent.

Hopefully this whole thing will pass and we're not just circling the drain until a better product comes along.

Pardon the puns.

- Farmer Ted

Ted's Sniglets: Sqwaat

Sqwaat [skwaet] (noun) - The amount of product that splats out of a bottle when you squeeze vigorously after having left it upside down for a while to get that last bit out.

I need to get more lotion because I had only a sqwaat left.

- Farmer Ted

Don't rush me...

I'm such great a credit risk these days. Recently I've begun getting inundated by mortgage and credit card companies asking why haven't I considered getting a credit card or financing a mortgage with them? Especially since I'm a preferred customer.

Eh, how's that again?

Oh, I get it. Now I see why all the red roses. Just because I pay my bills on time that makes me - even me - preferred.

I don't know whether to be insulted or sad.

- Farmer Ted

Why do clocks run clockwise...

My friend Pigeon decided he would get a group of friends and trek the Kokoda Trail. The Kokoda Trail, to those who have no idea about it like I was, is actually a track in Papua New Guinea (PNG) traversed by Australian soldiers to dislodge a Japanese fighting force during WW II.

As you might imagine, the reason it's been memorialized is because it was hot, humid, wet, under miserable conditions, and very rugged terrain over a set of mountains and losing many diggers (as Australian soldiers are called for some rather vague reason) along the way.

And you can book a professional to guide you and any group over the same track.

So what does a modern-day trek of the Kokoda Trail have to do with clocks? Well, like caring why clocks run the direction they do, I find the thought of doing something like the Kokoda Trail sparks mild curiosity, but not anything you'd really care to take any further than that.

Have fun, Pigeon (whenever you get my message at a base station with an operational whip antenna...WTF)!

- Farmer Ted

The 2nd happiest man in the world...

...after last night, I reckon, would have to be Levi Johnston. You remember him: The 18-yo ice-hockey-playing fiance' of Bristol Palin, the (now) 18-yo daughter of ex-veep candidate Sarah Palin, and father of Bristol's unborn child.

So why should Levi be happy? Well, just think about it.

Had the Republican candidates won the White House his life would be a living nightmare. To be married under the baleful stare of a moose-hunting Sarah; watched like a hawk by the media waiting for him to mess up; the Republican Party daring him to mess up; and the Palin clan tapping their freshly cleaned hunting rifles hoping he'd mess up I don't think ANY new husband, let alone one getting married to his very pregnant high-school classmate after professing to all the world "I don't want kids." on his My Space page, could possibly cope.

Yep, I'll bet ol'Levi is breathing just a little bit easier today.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: A change is gonna come...

There is a haunting song by the late Sam Cooke called "A Change is Gonna Come". In the lyrics, Sam Cooke laments on the state of race relations, the difficulties of life in America as a black man, and the burdens life throws at you. That threaten to take your spirit. And after each verse comes the line heralding hope:

It's been a long time coming, but I know
A change is gonna come, oh yes it will.

I think of that song each time I see Barack Obama. Can this event be what Sam Cooke was singing about? Are we closer to answering the earnest call of that song?

But ya know, everytime I see Senator Obama and read his slogan with the word CHANGE in huge letters? How can I think anything else.

- Farmer Ted

"Bye Bye Birdie"...

Your Farmer Ted LOVES Bollywood movies. To me they are corny, predictable, cliched, over-the-top, gaudy and probably the greatest entertainment you can experience. Bollywood have their own stars, starlets, and major studios. And with an audience of 1.1 BILLION that's a heck of fan base.

But when it comes to the movies, most importantly the dance numbers keep me riveted and my feet just'a tapping on the ol'porch.

And did you know they make videos out of the dance numbers? Just tune into Asian Variety Show (AVS) TV almost any time of the day on cable and you'll catch music videos made of the dance scenes from the latest movies."Desi Girl" from the movie Dostana is getting much airplay right now. And thanks to YouTube I can stream the dance version into my living room anytime I want.



Ah! Remember when Hollywood used to make movies like these? Like Bye Bye Birdie starring Paul Lynde, Ann-Margaret, and Dick Van Dyke? Yes, we do have to go back that far to find them in the US.

Ok, I may be showing my age, but I still got the moves!

- Farmer Ted

Calling IT names...

By "IT" I mean the information technology departments in the world. And we all have names for IT, none complimentary, for what we see as their policy implementations being an impediment to our doing what we feel we need to do with our company computing resources.

This has been borne out by a study published at Forbes.com that has found that almost 3/4 of us think that IT unnecessarily limits the use of technology it delivers without any explanation of why. But the question I found most illuminating was this one: When IT limits the use of technology, does it provide alternative ways to accomplish tasks? Yes: 19%; No: 81%. From discussions with Butters (an ex-IT manager) about this and how people complain and complain, I noted that engineers are an exception to that behavior.

From your puzzled expression I see I need to continue.

Engineers love a challenge and are trained to solve problems, so restricting the use of technology with a commandment-like start of "THOU SHALT NOT..." with no plausible explanation means one thing: Engineers are, sure as shootin', gonna immediately try to find a way to circumvent it.

And they will. Oh yeah, they will.

So all you IT folks out there, if your user population includes engineers who complain and then go silent? Look to your systems! Like a 5-yo that suddenly gets quiet in their play, it means they're doing something you probably don't want them to.

- Farmer Ted

Halloween hell...

It's October 31 which means it's Halloween! While here in Australia it's more of an adult holiday with costume parties galore, for kids there isn't much in it for 'em. While I remember getting upwards of 80 trick-or-treaters come to my door, here people at work tell me if they get a half dozen visits that's a good year.

I have pretty fond memories of trick-or-treating from growing up: the dressing up (as a ghost if your mom didn't remember in time); the wonder of going from house-to-house hoping for something good (i.e., no fruit); the spreading out of your booty afterward and trading the ones you didn't like with your siblings (I still can't stand Mary Jane's); and finally trying to get to sleep despite the sugar high.

But there was a dark side to the activity as well. Older kids - I'm talking 12/13 yo - that would lay in wait to ambush unsuspecting Little Red Riding Hoods and Fred Flintstones who wandered too far outside the group. Like lions in wait for the young and infirm they would pounce, taking your candy and leaving you with a headful of shaving cream or at worst Nair. For a near miss you may get hit by an egg thrown at you so you'd arrive home looking like you were in some demented yellow & white paintball game. And if during the mad dash for safety one of your band fell behind or was caught? Hmph! You ran all the faster as their "sacrifice" meant you would arrive home with all your candy and your eyebrows intact.

Yeah, I guess even as a kid there were good sides and bad sides to things. As Butters observed when I related my memories, "Eh, it was just preparing you for life."

Truer words...

- Farmer Ted

The road less travelled...

Two good friends of mine went on vacation to a very unlikely place: Iceland. Wouldn't have thought of it myself until I saw some of the pictures they brought back.


Quaint and lovely, eh?

- Farmer Ted

Telling time on the road...

Did you know there must be about 823,479 makes of alarm clock in the world? I think there must be because as I've traveled around the world from hotel to hotel I think I've been a victim of all of 'em.

Take the place I'm in now. It has a clock radio that has about a dozen buttons on the face of it, none of which seem to control the clock in any way. Featuring two alarms, I somehow was able to set both of them to go off repeatedly throughout the night with no clear way to either stop them or turn them off, the first night scaring me so badly I nearly bolted from the room.

Doing an online search on how to manage this thing I discovered something chilling: this clock radio has a support page. Yes, a support page. Lemme just make a common sense observation and say that any clock radio that has that much online angst has to be a bad choice for a home let alone a hotel.

My vote for best clock radio had to be the one I had at a Hyatt earlier this year. Not only did it have an iPod dock but the controls were actually easy to use. I wanted to take the durn thing with me, I was so impressed with it (don't worry, I left it there).

Sure, I can hear some of you wondering why I don't just use a wake-up call from the hotel.

And to you I say, "Wimps!"

- Farmer Ted

Cooper Enquirer...

So what's happened to Anderson Cooper now that he's gone mainstream on CNN? While the fledgling Anderson Cooper 360 was quick-witted, almost irreverent in lampooning headlines of the day, it seems as though as his show was recognized and moved to a prime spot (the show now bearing the moniker AC360) he lost that objectivity, his pithiness turned bitter and then downright, well, crazy.

Take his reporting on the recent Senator John Edwards scandal, something I really don't care about since Mr Edwards has been politically off-center for months and doesn't effect my life in the slightest. While AC360 on-line coverage is quite circumspect, Cooper's on-air discussions about the affair on Saturday as the story broke was worthy of an article in National Enquirer magazine:

"They expect us to believe that he hired this woman for a $144,000 a year job after just meeting her in a bar? Does this pass the smell test?" he hammered unmercifully at his on-air guest, who in this case WAS ANOTHER AC360 STAFFER.

*tap*tap*

Uh, hello? What's wrong with this scenario? Let's think. Maybe it lacks all sense of credibility and relevance? The old Anderson would have struggled to get a party official or someone close to the issue to give a perspective, rather than having reporters interviewing each other; winding each other up like neighbors gossiping about an errant husband over a back fence. Yellow journalism at it's very best.

"That a good point there, Anderson!" his staffer expectantly gushed to the observation.

As Senator Edwards said during his ABC News interview regarding his state of mind during the affair:

"...it's the same old thing again. Adulation, respect, admiration. [...] All of which fed a self-focus, an egotism, a narcissism that leads you to believe that you can do whatever you want. You're invincible. And there will be no consequences. And nothing, nothing could be further from the truth."

Are you paying attention, Mr Cooper?

- Farmer Ted

PS. Andy? It was me that submitted the "multi-colored hydra" comment to your production team about the old set.

Observing the Aussies: Banks as robbers...

As an American I just don't get it.

I'm talking about the way Australia banks, arguably one of the most protected sectors in Australia, are allowed to make money off its citizens. No, "make money" is too kind a word: "pillage" is more like it.

For my non-Aussie readers, mortgage interest rates here aren't like in the US where the vast majority of such are fixed rate over the life of the loan. Meaning you can get a 30-year mortgage locked in at the rate the bank initially lend it to you so your monthly payment will never change. Here in Australia, generally the loan interest rate is not fixed and can change at any time over the loan period - even monthly. So if the banks decide to raise rates, then your loan rate goes up as well and so does your monthly payment. Once this rate was loosely tied to the prime rate set by the Reserve Bank of Australia (RBA), but that has gone out the window in the face of the current global credit crisis, as rather than take any loss of profits Australian banks have shown their true colors and unabashedly decoupled mortgage rates from the RBA rate, charging any rate they choose.

So what does that mean? Rather than take any loss in profits due to their misguided quick-money schemes and financial mismanagement, the Australian borrowing public is treated as a huge piggy bank where by raising interest rates the banks bring in more money to cover any shortfalls. How egregious is this robbery? National Australia Bank just announced they would have to take a $1.2Bn write down to cover bad loans and so would raise mortgage rates to cover it. But that's not the whole story: even WITHOUT the rate rise they would be making $3Bn in profit, the rise is just being used to make their projected profit of $4Bn.

Interest rates are now hovering just under 10%.

What's most pitiable is the RBA thinks they actually control the money policy in Australia and the Government thinks they control the economy, keeping it from spiraling dangerously close to what some are calling a recession; completely ignoring that the banks are the ones controlling the money supply and are in truth killing the economy by sucking away its buying power.

Maybe it's because at one time banks were government-owned entities charged with protecting consumers there has been no outcry yet; just the citizenry obediently turning out their pockets to the banks all the while whinging to the Government about how everything is getting so bad.

What's that smell in the air? It's coffee. Time to wake-up Australia.

- Farmer Ted

Xmas in July...

I don't know if you remember, but I wrote about having a lot of problems with celebrating Christmas here in Australia. I mean, how can it be Christmas when it's 90F, everyone is wearing shorts and there's not an evergreen tree in sight. As a matter of fact, they sell artificial palm trees with Christmas decorations in stores.

So I resolved to hold a Xmas in July celebration. Why July? Because it's winter here in Australia, meaning in this area is cold, windy, and damp - just like back in the northeastern US. And I wasn't the only one with the idea as several stores actually were holding Christmas in July sales on holiday goods like plates, ornaments, and party favors. I stocked up!

And you know what? The evening went off without a hitch. With Butters, Charms, and Sase I threw a celebration with a little Christmas tree, gifts, and a turkey dinner with all the trimmings. With holiday music playing it was a grand time. I even tried my hand at lemon curd tart with lemons from our own Meyer lemon tree that we'd nursed through the heat and drought that nearly killed it during the regular Christmas season.

For the first time I really began to feel at home here.

- Farmer Ted

Channel 9 check, ok...

Did you know that US airliners let you hear the chatter between pilots and the different Air Traffic Controllers (ATC) along the flight route? Yep, just turn to entertainment channel 9 at your seat. To me, it's cool hearing the ATC instruct your flight to change altitude or course and feel the plane doing it.

In explanation, as your flight travels, it's actually handed off from one regional ATC to the next until finally it gets handed to the ATC of your destination airport. Just think of elementary school kids going down a hallway, being directed from one room's teacher to the next until they get to the right room and you'll get the picture.

But from hearing some of the harried chatter as the ATC direct what seem to be dozens of flight each, it's obvious that analogy is closer to reality than you think. And no wonder as they try to communicate effectively with pilots with German accents, Australian accents, Chinese accents, and a pilot that sounded suspiciously like Steve Martin doing his best "Wild & Crazy Guy" voice.

For instance instead of using the proper letter designation of "hotel-yankee-kilo" for "HYK," hearing that Martin alike stumble out with "Uh, was that Harry-yellow-Karen?" By the stunned pause the ATC was probably banging her head on the desk before affirming the request using the proper designation. I could swear she added the word "..moron!" under her breath but maybe I'm just projecting.

Pilots were negotiating routes and being overruled by ATC constantly for safety reasons; questioning instructions with the unasked, "But why me!" hanging in the air. I'll bet it was with relief the ATC hand over the more recalcitrant pilots to the next ATC region.

Meanwhile I got served my ice cream dessert, glad I was sitting back in the cabin.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Rights defended...

So the US Supreme Court has ruled to defeat the Washington DC district-wide ban on handguns, claiming in a sharply-divided decision that it violated the 2nd Amendment to the US Constitution, The Right to Bear Arms.

Personally, I've never believed in civilians holding firearms, believing in the letter of the 2nd Amendment that unless it's in furtherance of "a well regulated militia." Even though I'm in the minority on this.

What was predicted has come about: a flurry of lawsuits are being filed against gun-control laws all across the US, the most egregious I think being the National Rifle Association (NRA) filing a suit against the ban on handguns in public housing projects in San Francisco. Perhaps the NRA feels, in furtherance of the sentiments expressed by Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, that arming denizens of housing projects might be one way to "decrease the surplus population."

While meant as a send-up on gun owners, this might be eerily prescient:


It's at times like these I'm glad I'm living elsewhere for now.

- Farmer Ted

Trust me...

While returning recently from (yet) another trip back to the US and something struck me as highly suspicious.

Anyone who's come into Australia knows how seriously the Australian Quarantine and Inspection Service (AQIS) take protecting the place from outside infestations. These infestations can take the form of fruit flies, vermin, and even the odd chocolate biscuit.

Their first line of defense is the beagle. That's right, I'm talking about the little brown-and-white spotted dog.

While you're waiting for your luggage at any Australian port of entry, these 4-legged government agents wander at will, casting about for any food contraband in your possession. Should you be marked by the little beasties the agents praise them while they rifle through your belongings trying to find the offending leftover chocolate bar.

But that got me to thinking: who says the dogs are honest? I mean, they get praise lavished on them when they mark a bag, so who says they're not marking just for kicks?

Think about it: who questions the ethics of a detector beagle, looking as little and cute as they do?

Um-hm. I'm just sayin...

- Farmer Ted