Observing the Aussies: On the road...

I mean they do it all over the world. Driving, I mean. Only here they take it to a form not seen since Exit 11 off the New Jersey Turnpike.

First off? No solid lines between traffic. Yep. All the roads, including the major ones simply have the same white dashed lines all over, punctuated from time-to-time with cement curb-height bumps where the center would be, designed to be just at the right height to rip the exhaust system clean off your car.

Want more road danger? Their telephone poles on the side of the road, called Stobie poles, are made of concrete and steel. That's right, hit one of those and say hello to Jesus, my friend. Some people say it's because the termite problem is so bad that wooden poles wouldn't last. I say, it's the reason there are only 25 million people on this whole continent: It's some sort of perverse population control mechanism devised by the roads department.

Then there's the fact that there are cars here you will not find anywhere in the world. Not because they're unique, just that everywhere else junked them long ago. I'm talking Gremlins, Novas, Ford Fairlanes. It's a veritable "Island of Mis-fit Cars." You know, that Christmas stop-action island where Santa left toys too weird to give as gifts? Like the train engine with square wheels? That's what Australia is for cars. Maybe it's the climate. Maybe Santa has an extra large sleigh. But here they are. Death traps moving on four wheels since these things were long before safety devices. Again, population control.

Finally there's a maneuver I call the "dart and switch", where they dart out of a side road in the teeth of solid wall of oncoming traffic and switch right into your lane going well below the speed limit. I saw one get their come-uppance yesterday when they didn't switch quite fast enough from the dart and got sideswiped by one of the on-coming cars. "NOVICE!!!" an old lady screamed out her car window as she disappeared in a cloud of noxious fumes.

Yep, these guys play for keeps here.

Of course, Australians seem to accept all this with the same stolid incuriosity they meet all such things that puzzle the rest of the world: With a bright "G'day, mate!" and a cheery wave.

Meanwhile, I'm terrified some AMC Alliance will misjudge the dart, have it's brake system ripped out by those median bumps, hit a concrete and steel telephone pole and wind up careening into me.

Now THAT, gentle readers, is terror.

- Farmer Ted