A little bird told me...

Over this past weekend, I was helping a friend do some yard work. The great thing about this area of Australia in the summer is that the weather is so dang-blasted hot and dry that plants, including your lawn, just don't grow. So the work was limited to mostly cleaning up work.

Moving some branches aside, we discovered a hole in the siding that some birds had obviously been using as a nesting hole. After satisfying ourselves that there were neither eggs nor chicks inside, we pulled out as much of the nesting material we could reach (and what an archaeological dig THAT was) and then sealed the hole.

What we didn't count on was that the nest was still in use. Sure enough, back came the two owners fluttering in puzzlement around what used to be their front door. They then landed on a nearby branch and commenced to complain loudly to each other about this unfortunate turn of events.

Mrs Bird: See! I told you this would happen!
Mr Bird: What? How was I supposed to know that...
Mrs B: "Let's build the nest here," you said. "It'll be EASY," you said. "Humans are dumb - they'll never find it," you said. Now look at us! Homeless! AGAIN!
Mr B: Sorry, dearest. What can I do to make it up to...

And with that, Mrs B flies away leaving Mr B's last words stranded on the hot still January air.

Guess relationships are the same all over, even if you're only a bird.

- Farmer Ted

What's your word...

While playing Scrabble last night with friends I realized there is a definite advantage to being in this country: Australian vocabulary. So when push came to shove and in the US I would have been trapped holding tiles: X V O H N K L, I quickly was able to form H-O-O-N in a spot with an available O.

And it included a double-letter score as well.

Sweet.

- Farmer Ted

Bling, baby, bling...

Went to a local mall today looking for a bicycle. It had actually been a while since I'd been in a mall, something so ubiquitous in America I would have been hard pressed to remember the last time I hadn't been in a mall. As I sat on a bench outside a store waiting for Butters to make a purchase, I couldn't help but people watch.

C'mon! Isn't that really half the reason we go to malls?

What struck me here is what also struck me in the US: parents with infants. Specifically, parents with infants in these carriers where the baby is plastered to their chest FACING OUTWARDS. First off, think how disconcerting it would be to the infant, looking for the assurance of the warmth of a loving parent to hold onto with their short helpless arms, and instead being confronted with mall schlock and even worse, teenagers with no dermatological care.

Puts me to mind of the bling worn by that ex-rapper and reality show never-shoulda-been Flava-Flav. You remember, the one that always wore the clock around his neck.

Brrrr. Makes my blood run cold.

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: Summertime blues...

Today is the first day of work after Australia Day and there's something I've noticed going on at work: post-holiday blues.

I used to think that happened right after Christmas, but I see that here in Australia it rather tends to be following Australia Day. Why? As one Aussie observed to me, "Australia Day is like Labor Day and 4th of July to you Americans but all rolled into one." That is, it celebrates the founding of Australia AND it's the last summer holiday weekend before school starts.

And sure enough, reports indicate the office supply and variety stores were packed over the weekend with shoppers getting school supplies. Everyday except the holiday Monday - of course. As I was driving around I saw many cars filled with a university student plus far too much stuffed in the back seat of some little junker headed for the city and the start of a new term.

What I didn't think about, and this installment remarks on, is the fact that there is a significant percentage of Australians that left work before Christmas and today is their first day back. It's so common that a morning show was doing street interviews of them on their way to work. And as they arrived at my office looking all sleek, tan, and well fed the bonhomie of these workers, nevertheless once confronted with the MAG*, wilted under the glare of work like Betty Ramsey's wax tulips on that episode of I Love Lucy.

Back to reality. Back to life.

- Farmer Ted

*Moderate Australian Grind

"Celebrate what's great.."

I can't believe that this is my second Australia Day in Adelaide. And Australia Day 2007 in Adelaide promises to be of such boring proportions that even last years festivities will seem like New Years in Times Square.

So to avoid all the fuss (and falling shrapnel) I'm joing many other folks and just going to the beaches.

Uh-oh. Maybe I'm turning Aussie after all.

- Farmer Ted

Talking heads...

While watching my usual morning show on TV this morning, I was surprised to see the anchor that had been covering the terrible floods in Queensland back in the studio at the anchor desk. "What's this?" I wondered, "the floods are definitely not over. Hey, didn't I just see a story on the on-going flooding?" Then I realized, the story he had just reported was that the flood waters had crested and were, in fact, receding. His very earnest field stories had been on the "fear of the rising waters keeping poor Gladys up all night with worry" and documenting the obligatory dog stranded by flood waters in a tree. So I guess now that the waters were going down, there was no more misery to show and keep us riveted to the screen.

"They've not seen anything like this since then, but it was nothing like this," he spouts.

I think the worst fall from grace in this account has been Anderson Cooper, the journalist I probably admire more than any other even before his coverage of the misery in New Orleans during and after Hurricane Katrina. His coverage of the US presidential primaries is so inane, so egregiously talking head that even Jon Stewart is taking the piss. Yikes.

But back to our intrepid anchor now in the studio. I observed that he would most likely make it back out to that flooded area again. This time just when the Queensland flood waters subside and the evacuees are allowed back to their homes. After all you gotta be there to document the despair on their faces as they first see the devastation of their ruined lives don't you?

Now THAT, I guess, is news.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Fred goes home...

So, Hollywood actor turned GOP presidential candidate Fred Thompson has thrown in the towel and given up the bid for his party's nomination after a humiliating show in the South Carolina primaries. While there will be much analysis as to why his campaign failed, I figured why not me too. I think he fell wrong by comparing himself to Ronald Reagan, a comparison inexplicably made by each of the other GOP candidates as well. So since Mr Thompson insisted, here is the Farmer Ted Tote Board to help us understand the differences:

AWARDS:
Ronald Reagan: Hollywood actor, winning a 1957 Golden Globe and has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame;
Fred Thompson: Hollywood actor, losing the 2004 Best Ensemble Cast SAG Award but getting a kick-ass farewell card from the cast of Law & Order.

PERSONALITY:
Reagan: Charming and gregarious, making people like him no matter what;
Thompson: Rough & gravelly, making you think of the old man in "that house" that always chased you as a kid.

LEGACY:
Reagan: Has over 81 airports, naval vessels, institutions and bridges & highways named in his memory;
Thompson: Has his name on his mailbox.

WIFE:
Reagan: Nancy, who wielded unprecedented power over the oval office and shocked the nation by wearing a red dress to Ronald Reagan's first inauguration;
Thompson: He has a wife?

ALSO KNOWN AS:
Reagan: Ronald Wilson Reagan -> Sgt. Ronald Reagan -> Lt. Ronald Reagan -> Governor Ronald Reagan -> President Ronald Reagan;
Thompson: Fred Dalton Thompson -> Freddie Thompson -> Sen. Fred Thompson -> Fmr. Sen. Fred Thompson.

I think that last one speaks for itself.

- Farmer Ted