New World Order by the numbers...

Let's face it, when it comes to self-assembled furniture no one has it down to an art like Ikea. In Pennsylvania, we had the privilege of having the first Ikea in North America so I've been shopping at the place for a long time. Heck my very first apartment was furnished pretty much courtesy of it.

So when I came here On Station, imagine my surprise to find Ikea had invaded Down Under as well. Meaning I've used them AGAIN to complete furnishing my abode here. But not seeming to have learned, I still approached the assembly endeavor with enthusiasm and optimism. Only to be left 6 hours later with 1 misshapen TV stand, 1 cockeyed coat rack, and two partially assembled items because parts were missing. I tried not to collapse weeping.

I think from having been punk'd by Ikea on two continents, that gives me the unique qualification to offer these suggestions:

1) Include a level-of-difficulty on the products. Perhaps 1 for EASY, up to 5 for DIFFICULT. For example the BILLY bookcase with its myriad of parts was a snap to put together. LOD=2. Meanwhile two simple-looking NYCKELBY glass doors where a b*tch to attach: LOD=5. While I think this would curtail sales for some products, it would cut down on the incidence of kickus-ikea-productus that seems to happen to all of us at some point.

2) Use product names someone not from Sweden can pronounce. Don't they realize it makes you not want to ask for help in finding something you can't pronounce because of a poor consonant-to-vowel ratio? Like BJURSTA. Although I'll admit, it is funny seeing a shopper keeping a 3-yo kid in check while attempting to pantomime "glass-door cabinet with five shelves in white foil" just because the product name is unpronounceable.

3) Use WORDS on the assembly instructions. Sure I know it's supposed to show how friggin' international Ikea is, but a set of visual instructions like this pictured is why it took hours to get those damn glass doors on. Observe an actual step. Given there are two hinges, what does "3x" mean? And is the word "click" the same in Finnish? I don't think so. Hypocrites, the lot of 'em.

I guess the conspiracy theorists would call Ikea the harbinger of the New World Order; or more appropriately FLARKE: but only if you want it in beech veneer.

- Farmer Ted