Arachnophobia...

I was almost killed in my bedroom yesterday.

Woke up ("YAWWWWN"), stretched, got out of bed, and went to open the bedroom door stopping when reaching for the doorknob. "What the heck is that?" I wondered to myself as I bent down for a closer look. Some spider-looking shiny black spider had taken up residence in the space around the door jamb. Thinking of your garden variety American house spider, I paid it little mind thinking I'll just sweep it up after work.

When I finally did get home and went to take care of it, I decided to just have at it with the broom and kill it. In the final stages of the struggling to best the eight-legged monster, I noticed the rather bright red patterning on it's back. Quickly running my mind back over Bill Bryson's "In a Sunburned Country" I realized that this was actually a DEADLY SPIDER! And I ain't talking about Spiderman 3's alter ego either.

The mind shies away from how close I came to being spider fodder.

All I could see around my house all last night were visions of the spiders clicking their oozing mandibles and coming at me. Like when Robin Williams' character was trapped in the attic floor in the movie Jumanji. Chittering their nefarious chittering about how much more tasty Americans are than Australians because they don't taste like Vegemite.

Shudder.

As one Australian I related the story to said to me, "Ah mate! That's just the one you saw!" A second helpfully said, "Yeah, I tried to spray insecticide outside but that just meant they came inside to get away from it." While another added, "You're lucky it wasn't in your bed. Oh and I'll bet you'll shake out your shoes before you put them on too, huh?"

So, just how did they kill the beasties in Arachnophobia. Dr. Ross Jennings? I think I need some help here!

- Farmer Ted

"Bart! Stop pestering satan."

It's like you're always paying the devil.

What I've found here in Australia is that the entire economy appears to be run by very few large corporations or concerns. Practically like in the movie Rollerball. A contraversial TV/radio commentator here, Alan Jones, has been quite on a tear lately that one of the reasons prices in Australia are so high is because of this lack of true competition.

This was brought home to your ex-pat Farmer Ted when I went into a Tandy store to buy a clock radio so I could actually get up on time for work. Now, all Americans know that Tandy is where you go to buy no-frills items at no-frills prices. So I was suprised to see a veritable stable of Dick Smith Electronics branded products available (Dick Smith is a huge retailer of electronics goods at huge prices). So I asked the clerk why there are so many Dick Smith products in the store. "Oh, Tandy is owned by Dick Smith. And Dick Smith is owned by Woolworths," he replied, adding, "it's all the same these days, mate."

So trying to get away from Coles, Telstra, and Woolworths grip on competition in Australia is tantamount poking a stick at Satan. Like in The Simpsons episode "Treehouse of Horror IV":

Bart: I'd sell my soul for a formula one racing car.
[Satan Ned appears with a race car]
Ned: Heh heh heh, that can be arranged.
Bart: Changed my mind. Sorry.
[Ned vanishes] Cool!
Marge: Bart! Stop pestering Satan.

Just substitute "true marketplace competition" for "formula one racing car", and the CEO of Woolworths for Ned and you get what it seems like it would take here.

But sometimes the price is just too high.

- Farmer Ted

Becoming Mac-cool...

Now that I'm here, I ordered a Macintosh. And can you blame me? With all the press today about Vista already being targeted and hacked. Plus maintaining my XP machine takes hours, what with antivirus software, disk scans, anti-spyware, and endless "Click here to download the latest update" balloons.

I've given up.

We all remember fondly using Mac's in school. How simple and fun it was and so... well, kiddish. Then we graduated and went out into the big wide world. Replete with suits, paychecks, rent, and Microsoft. Was this really the price of growing up?

Well, I've decided to go back to what I learned in kindergarten. I've ordered a Mac mini with all the trimmings not just because it's not Windows but because it's so f*kin' cool I can't stand it.

What I didn't count on was the difference in price in Australia versus the US. Now I know about exchange rates and all, but how Macintosh in the US can cost half again as much Down Under is beyond the pale. Even in cheerful Australian dollars it's a ripoff. Someone is making money on this and I'd like to know who. I was thinking at first it was that very droppable "Mac" guy in the Macintosh ads (Apple? Are you listening? John Hodgman is freakin' HILARIOUS and you got a drip to play your product) but since he hasn't changed his grey monochromatic togs in for FUBU, I figure it must be the Australian government.

Johnny? John Howard? Where's my refund? Psh! No wonder you're smilin'...

- Farmer Ted

Farmer Ted, on station...

Well it finally happened. Your Farmer Ted has officially become, er, Farmer "Aussie" Ted after having emigrated to The Land Down Under. Here for a few years.

It's really odd thinking about being an American in Australia after all the posts I've written since my first "Observing the Aussies". Will I continue to observe these differences? Well, from my vantage point on the porch of the station, I certainly hope so. Even though Pinchy (a great mate from Sydney) seems to think I'm developing a rather lopsided view of this land by not living in the great state of New South Wales and more pointedly, Sydney.

But I don't think it's going to be a problem since it keeps smacking me in a face with rather a lot of vigor. For example, what are those round rubber air-filled things your car drives on? Here they are called "tyres". Something which caused giggles amongst my American co-workers here for meetings since the last time we saw that in the US it was a reference on The Discover Channel to an extinct city in Phoenicia.

Truthfully, I'm enjoying being here. I've gotten the usual "We're gonna visit!" from my countrymen all the while knowing they won't (after all, being American I know that and count on it). I've also gotten several stunned "So you really DID do it!" from my Australian friends along with an offer of their liver to help me keep up in the pub (see my post "They Make the world go round...").

I think I'm gonna make it after all.

- Farmer Ted