Travel travails...

Doing my best Sheryl Crow imitation:

This ain't no disco
It ain't no country club either
This is LA!

Yes, I'm in LA. The thing is, I should be halfway around the world already on a trip to Australia.

After boarding the plane on-time at 6pm last night in Philadelphia, we sat on the runway for FOUR HOURS waiting for a predicted storm to pass through. Unfortunately, we sat all that time with no food, refreshments, or entertainment -- from which I'm hard pressed to find the difference between that and a regular flight. This means that, of course, by the time we got to LA my connecting flight to Australia was a mere jet fuel fume memory.

They did rebook me on the same flight the next day. As you would expect.

So I'm here at a LA airport hotel looking out at a rather uninspiring vista of some unnamed freeway dimly seen through a haze of smog and a buncha light industry plants. I can't really complain though: At least I got the hotel and vouchers for free meals. Some passengers got nothing but sympathy and a bench in LAX, from what I understand.

The downside? They didn't give us our luggage back meaning by the time I arrive in Australia I hope everyone stays upwind of me.

So look for the tone of these postings to shift a bit as I work my way through The Land Down Under. If you'll excuse mixed metaph... I mean, "musical group references."

- Farmer Ted

Gesundheit...

A friend just sent me a news article saying that researchers at the University of Rochester Medical Center have developed a vaccine they claim can wipe out ear and sinus infections. As I am suffering (and suffering is the key word) from a sinus infection now I have only five words to say about this: "Where. Do. I. Sign. Up."

- Farmer Ted

Poor little rich girl...

I'm talking about Paris Hilton, of course. Tell me, did any of you even know she had released her debut album over the summer? Neither did anyone else in the US where it sold a dismal 75,000 units its first week of release. Other problems have beset the heiress turned music artist:

There will be no tour to support the album. Why? Because Paris Hilton cannot sing live. This is readily admitted by her publicist. Maybe if the tour included her singing in a shower she would sound better?

A mysterious artist calling himself "Bansky" has defaced the CD inner artwork at several UK stores, superimposing a dog's head on Paris' body. CD in the UK are typically sold without shrink wrap or the security seals madeningly common here in the US. The discs inside were then switched with a 40-min remixed CD by a DJ calling himself "DM". Rumor is that the culprit is Danger Mouse (of Gnarls Barkley fame). As you may have guessed, only the doctored CD are valuable.

Ms Hilton was charged for DUI in Los Angeles. The heiress claimed it was due to one drink after a day of not eating anything. Meanwhile, while discussing the incident on an LA radio station she admitted to having been eating and drinking around town all day.

Guess money can't buy everything, huh?

- Farmer Ted

International house of horrors...

Support for the US, it's influence and policies continues to crumble in the world. The interesting thing is, I'm seeing nothing in the popular media talking about it. So while hardly popular or media, I will:

Italy, the last major European ally in Iraq, abruptly ended their presence by withdrawing all remaining troops. Italy was responsible for the protection of an entire province with over 3000 troops which will now have to be patrolled by the Iraqi security forces (read that, "US troops").

chip.

Another US soldier has gone missing in Baghdad following a deadly suicide bomb attack on 16 Sept. Have you heard anything about it? Seeing the huge hit in popular support for the war that was taken the last time a kidnapping was played out in the media, can you understand why you haven't?

chip.

Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister and the Bush Administrations only European ally, has been ousted by his own party bosses. This as popular support for the Labor Party wanes, his aides resign, and the PM is attacked for possible constitutional misuse of his powers (hmm, sound familiar?). The timetable for his stepping down is not set, but is said to be around mid-2007. This would leave George Bush and flying solo amongst the world leaders. And we all know how well he does with that.

chip.

- Farmer Ted

Little boys shouldn't smoke...

Well I gotta say that the city of Philadelphia certainly stunned your host with the decision of Hizzonor John Street to immediately begin enforcement of the smoking ban in bars and restaurants. Although there may be a motive behind Hizzonor's madness since, as it was pointed out to me, by doing it this way Hizzonor makes it seem like it was all his initiative and not that of his krypton-wielding nemesis, Councilman Michael Nutter, who introduced it and bulled it through the pigsty of perfidy that is Philadelphia City Council. But hey, politics is a game of one-upsmanship after all.

Personally, having grown up with parents who smoked I could never see the point of it. Filthy habit. Never smoked and never will. Yuk. Plus my dad died of heart disease caused by smoking. I guess that makes it personal.

I did leave the porch over the weekend for a day out in Atlantic City. I'd forgotten that New Jersey had already instituted the smoking ban and I must say it was a joy being in restaurants and bars because of it. Even enjoyed what is arguably the most entertaining bar in Atlantic City, The Dizzy Dolphin at the Hilton, even more.

So times they are a changin', and for the better: from no more cigar chompin' Manny in the Pep Boys logo to Philadelphia finally thinking more about the health of bar & restaurant employees over special interests. It's a good thing.

- Farmer Ted

When the lion roars...

Who says big corporations can't do good things.

It seems Wal-Mart is now turning their massive buying power to the cost of medicine. The retail giant announced that it would begin offering generic brands of about 300 of the most popular drugs at $4 per subscription to its employees and customers. That's less than half of the standard drugstore price. Stocks for several other retail drug chains fell on the news.

Dunno if you're aware of this, but the buying power of Wal-Mart has been credited with actually lowering the CPI by at least 3.1% annually. And now with them getting into the drug purchasing business for their stores, they seem to be poised to do the same thing in that arena as well.

And do you want to know what the shame is? This could have been done at government levels long before this. Before the institution of the disastrous prescription drug program and the cards no senior can puzzle out. Bulk buy programs have been instituted successfully in other countries besides this one to help make prescription drugs affordable to consumers. I leave it to your favorite theory to explain the reluctance in the US.

So kudos to Wal-Mart for having the cojones our legislators lack.

But I still won't shop at your stores. Not without a cattle prod and and a flak jacket.

- Farmer Ted

May peace prevail on earth...

Today is the International Day of Peace around the world, declared by a UN Resolution in 1981 that says in part:

"Declares that the International Day of Peace shall henceforth be observed as a day of global ceasefire and non-violence, an invitation to all nations and people to honour a cessation of hostilities for the duration of the Day..."

Now we all know with conditions around the world today the chances of this happening in actuality are pretty slim, but wouldn't it be nice if , even for just one day, we could at least do our own small part?

So to that kid who's stands on the brink of getting back at someone for being "disrespected", just smile and walk away.

To the parent who feels a sharp criticism ready for their child who seems to never do right, just give them a hug.

To the driver on the road who's about to flip another car the bird for cutting them off, just put on your favorite tune.

To the spouse who wants to lash out at their significant other for being annoying, just kiss them.

And finally to you, when you feel angry at yourself for something you did -- or didn't do, just forgive yourself. Remember peace outside begins with peace inside.

- Farmer Ted.

Things money can't buy...

Actually seen today while on the road:

"Support Our Troops" magnetic ribbon on the back of a Honda Civic: $1.99

Baby sun shield on the side window of a VW Jetta: $12.99

Rubber bull balls hanging from the trailer hitch of a Dodge RAM 1500 pickup truck: Priceless


- Farmer Ted

Listening on a deserted island...

With "Lost" premiering on Sept 27, I got to thinking about the character Hugo "Hurley" Reyes and his music player (temporarily overlooking the fact the player somehow never seems to need batteries) and what he might be listening to. Does anyone remember the old "Desert Island Disc" (DID) list people used to keep? You had to pick 10 music recording discs you would want to have were you stranded on a deserted island. There were some caveats from the purists like "No greatest hits!" or "Nothing by Vanilla Ice!" but I don't listen to them. So here are my choices in no particular order:

1) Steers And Stripes / Brooks & Dunn
2) 30 Greatest Hits [Disc 2] / Aretha Franklin
3) World of Our Own / Westlife
4) Whitney / Whitney Houston
5) Keep On Movin' / Soul II Soul
6) Colour By Numbers / Culture Club
7) "The Mission" Music from the Motion Picture Soundtrack / Ennio Morricone
8) Miracles / Change
9) Heroes / Andreas Scholl
10) Double [Disc 1] / Roch Voisine

They say that your DID tell alot about you. I published this once and made two new friends. Who knew?

- Farmer Ted

COOKing with both hands...

I must be getting old.

You see that thing comedian Dane Cook is doing with his fingers?

I can't do that. Actually I have tried, but when I do people stop to ask if I need help getting any medication.

*sigh*

- Farmer Ted

A shout out to Whitney...

So Whitney Houston has filed for divorce from Bobby Brown, asking for custody of Bobbi in the process. I must admit to be sorta surprised. Not just because I've always loved her music from the very beginning and she was one of the few concerts I'd ever gone to see so I'm sorta biased towards her. But mostly because for anyone who saw "Being Bobby Brown" or the Diane Sawyer interview ("'Crack is cheap. I make too much money to use crack. Crack is wack.") would quickly come to the conculsion that Whitney was the "freak of the week" in that relationship. Me? I always viewed Bobby as the enabler and not really the culprit. Hey, folks do what they want to do, knaaa-mean?

Anyway, I wanted to give a shout out to the two of them to say THANK YOU for fourteen years of interesting headlines.

For having pot found in your luggage yet you bull on through the airport authorities showing "chutzpah" is a word even Blacks can use to their advantage. Thanks!

For giving your first duet with Bobby, "Something in Common", a new meaning: we thought you were singing about love but it was really about sharing the same dealer. Robert "Killer" Washington thanks you!

For appearing at a concert at Madison Sq Garden looking so gaunt even a sub-Saharan refugee gave you their dinner. Thanks!

For always giving the National Enquirer a bump in circulation whenever you appeared on the cover. They thank you!

For having a Mother's Day breakfast served to you on one the most famous episodes of "Being Bobby Brown" while wearing shades the entire time. Two snaps up in a figure of Ray Bans.

Whitney? Let's hope you go back to where you were headed before you were interrupted. Music greatness.

- Farmer Ted

Driving la vida Bond...

Seeing as it's a rainy day here around the porch, wanted to take a moment out to mention something to all the drivers out there. Ok, so the roads are wet. Yes I can understand driving with more caution.

But people... c'mon!

On the way to the feed store I was behind a minivan which was driving in the light rain as if it were a Katrina-esque hurricane. Soon I was just one of a line of about 10 cars creeping along behind it at well below the 35 mph speed limit. Which, I'm like, ok - some people don't handle rain well.

But do you want to know what burned me up? All the caution when out the damn window when we approached an intersection whose traffic light when from green to amber. All of a sudden, homey in the minivan hit the gas pedal and took off like the space shuttle, pushing the red and streaking through the light while the rest of us behind were all caught. As I stopped at the light, my last view of the minivan was of its fat ass careening away; disappearing into the misty rain.

It's times like those I wish for chassis mounted rockets on my car. Press a handy button on the dashboard and they drop down from the undercarriage like in a James Bond movie and rocket forward, completely obliterating the offending vehicle. Now some people say laser beams or disruptor rays are cleaner, but I say use the rockets: You'll get that extra sense of satisfaction as you drive through their debris.

- Farmer Ted

Keep doing this you'll go blind...

Yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking, but that's not it.

Heard on the radio that recent studies have suggested that exercise involving the lifting of heavy weights may contribute to blindness. The straining has been show to increase the occular pressure in the eyes which may contribute to glaucoma. This is by no means definitive and more study is needed, but the trend is real.

I think you'll remember that I mentioned that I go to the gym regularly (see my blog for August 22). I guess this would serve as a warning to all the "gym bunnies" as they tend to use more free weights and large weight stacks. So even while puny, I can exercise with a smug feeling and continued good eye health.

Gym bunnies. Nyah, nyah! . Maybe you should eat more carrots.

- Farmer Ted

A table for two, please...

Here's a question I like to ask people: If you could have dinner with anyone living, who would that be? I stress that it's just dinner, nothing else, where all you do is talk. Different people take this different ways. Some people choose someone glamorous or sexy that they'd like to meet. Others choose someone personal they'd like to get to know, while others choose someone in the news they're curious about.

Me? It would be Anderson Cooper. I find the guy fascinating in his being the child of Gloria Vanderbilt, the suicide of his brother, and his ability to balance his career with that personal life. Especially with his sexual orientation that seems to never be mentioned (aw c'mon, don't tell me you didn't know), much to his and the news establishments credit.

Still, it is weird I saw in Vanity Fair that in his bedroom he has a huge rendering of his mom above his bed. But I guess we all have something, huh?

- Farmer Ted

Remembering...

2nd plane crash into the tower.
A friend's birthday all but forgotten.
Empty skies.
A co-workers rush to get her children.
George Bush's blank face.
Frantic phone calls to loved ones.
True heroes.
The towers collapsing.
Astonishment.
Realization.
Horror.
9/11.

- Farmer Ted

Given the short (and wet) shrift...

Can I just tell you that CW Network, the train wreck formed form the joining of the WB & UPN, are a bunch of punks. Not only did they keep on their roster most of the shows that no one wants to see (except for "Supernatural" and "Veronica Mars", of course), but they seemed to pass on anything that remotely required what Julian McMahon's character inserted in Larry Hagman's character on "Nip/Tuck".

I'm speaking, of course, of the show "Aquaman" (mercifully renamed from the original title of "Mercy Reef") which Warner put the pilot episode up on iTunes for download for $1.99. I guess figuring they couldn't get sponsors and so make us pay directly, everyone was amazed at the quality of this gem and the fact it was number one on iTunes charts for a week. As for the show itself, your host had initial doubts figuring Ving Rhames (wacko), Lou Diamond Phillips (weirdo), and Justin Hartley (er... see pic) would be a toxic mess. However I downloaded it, watched it in the TV room - watched it twice - and now I'm more puzzled than ever why it remains in limbo.

So about a thousand glowing iTunes reviews later, critical buzz including internationally, and an inadvertent tie-in to the HBO hit series Entourage, the CW keeps its hands in its pockets and its head up its butt.

USA Networks? Sci-Fi Channel? Are you listening?

- Farmer Ted

Raising the gangplank...

P&O Cruise Lines is one of the largest serving vacationers in the southern hemisphere. Following being rocked by a sexual assault-related death on board one of their liners and the accompanying mismanagement allegations, family outrage and loss, tears, and government threats, P&O blithely started running what I'm sure they felt was a rather pithy and clever ad campaign:

The tag line? "More girls. More sun. More fun. There's nothing else a guy needs to know!" (rolling my eyes)

Where's Captain Stubing when you need him? Remember when we all thought dreamily of one day actually riding on "The Love Boat"? What happened to that innocence? Oh, right. It's on the Lido deck snorting a line with Julie, Your Cruise Director.

- Farmer Ted

The Quadfecta of TV News Cuteness...

...happened recently on Channel 6 ABC (Philadelphia) morning news.

I don't know if you're aware of this, but with the advent of high-definition TV two things became obvious when it came to newscasting: 1) news story videos now appeared breathtakingly realistic; and 2) every pore on a newscasters face looked like a moon crater. One evidence of the panic of the industry has been a sudden run on Cover Girl and Max Factor products. The other has been the assemblage of younger, more good-looking people in front of the camera than ever before.

Channel 6 achieved the Perfect Storm of Pretty when I turned on the TV to see Matt O'Donnell (anchor), Tamala Edwards (anchor), Adam Joseph (weather), and Matt Pellman (traffic) on the set together.

All of a sudden I was thrown back to high school and could just see them gathered all together at a table in the cafeteria. Planning their next party and who they weren't going to invite.

Hmph.

But I'm not bitter.

- Farmer Ted

Death and taxes...

...are the two big truisms in life, as recent news events have shown us.

Steve Irwin
Unless you've been under a rock, you know he was killed in a freak encounter with a stingray. I know it's hard not to use the word "freak" when describing Mr Irwin, but in this case it's justifiably not his fault. Who would believe you could get a barb right through the heart from one of those things? Whew.

Ronald Isley
Formerly of The Isley Brothers, was convicted of tax evasion and sentenced to 3 years (plus one month) in prison yesterday. Better known these days as "Mr. Big" he'll soon be known by the rather uncool moniker of "Somebody's Bitch." Whew.

- Farmer Ted

Election season is upon us...

And even here on the porch I can hear the blare of bullhorns from candidates vying for your votes - and the special interest groups vying for your attention about those candidates. One of the most vocal of these at the Labor Day parade in Philadelphia were the unions. And as we all know, Philadelphia unions are well known for their finesse.

Yeah... right. Can you say "flushless toilets"?

Anyway, in the spirit of this observation I found an apropos bit of humor from Jon Stewart's "America" (which if you don't already own you should be relegated to mucking out the cow barn):

Meet Your Lobbyists

- Farmer Ted

"I Want To Be Your Property"...

It has more genres than you can name: Acid, Chicago, Garage, Deep, Vocal; and was presided over by the likes of Frankie Knuckles, Steve "Silk" Hurley, Armand van Helden, and Junior Vasquez. Of course I'm talking about House Music.

While out last night celebrating the fact that today I don't have to go to work (hey, what's Labor Day for?), the DJ at the club broke away briefly from yet another Kelly Clarkson remix and the House Music clarion call of "Can you feel it!" rang out. I got all misty thinking about nights traveling up to New York City just to dance until dawn at The World on the Lower East Side, which arguably spun the world's best House.

So for those of you who still answer the call here's a few mentions that'll put you in the Way Back Machine without a net: "You Used to Hold Me" (Ralphi Rosario), "Can You Party" (Todd Terry), "Do It Properly" (2 Puerto Ricans, A Blackman, and A Dominican), "Respect" (Adeva), "Voodoo Ray" (A Guy Called Gerald), "Where Love Lives" (Alison Limerick), and "French Kiss" (Lil' Louis) just to name a few.

Too black! Check this out./Too strong! Check this out.

Classic.

- Farmer Ted

Who needs the Emmy's...

Speaking of the fall season of TV, I'm already looking at all the new programs and trying to figure out which I'll try, which I'll try not to hate, and which I'll try not to hate more. So just in case they're not around later, I've come up with a few awards to them I'm handing out here, live, on the porch of Farmer Ted:

Most Anticipated New Show That Better Be On Its Toes Award: "30 Rock" (NBC) - starring Tina Fey & Tracy Morgan, but they gotta keep it tight.

Most Hyped New Show That'll Die A Slow Death Award: "Studio 60 On Sunset Strip" (NBC) - get the oxygen ready! This celeb heavy porker's gonna need it.

New Show I Can't Believe Slipped Through the Cracks Award: "Ugly Betty" (ABC) - weird concept with niche appeal. Hope it works.

New Show That Is So Not New It's Annoying Award: "'Til Death" (FOX) - nothing like following "Everybody Loves Raymond" with ELR II.

Most Kitschy Concept That'll Soon Be on Cable Award: "Day Break" (ABC) - Taye Diggs as a cop reliving the same murderous day? Oy.

The "Don't Quit Your Day Job" New Show Award: "Happy Hour" (FOX) - Newly divorced guy + boozer best friend + wacky neighbors = "You want fries with that?"

Critical Fave That Treads A Thin Line with Failure Award: "Jericho" (CBS) - Skeet Ulrich in a post apocalyptic cautionary tale. Hard to lighten this up.

Finally, the Old Show That Came Back From The Dead So It's A New Show For All Intents and Purposes Award: "What About Brian" (ABC) - even the high power creator J.J. Abrams had buried this one when it did a Lazarus on him. (Runner up: "7th Heaven" (CW)).

Happy watching!

- Farmer Ted

Why are the soap dispensers on the wall, ferchissake...

Hmph. Watch where you're looking with those eyes, Julian!

Will the FX series Nip/Tuck actually follow through with, as one columnist calls it, "the dance of the thousand gay veils" when Mario Lopez comes on-board (pardon the pun) as an "infuriatingly fit" plastic surgeon? As these leaked shots from FX show, you'll have to tune in on September 5 to find out. I think maybe even I'll go into the TV room just to see where they go with this one.

More, uh, Lopez-cake at Towelroad, Most Proper, or Popsugar.

Yo, Mario! Sure beats the hell outta that stint on The Other Half.

- Farmer Ted

You can't make this stuff up...

Sitting on the porch here, I tend to go through a lot of books. And I like a lot of genres including mystery, thrillers, historical fiction, and even the occasional beach book. So I was aghast when I read an e-mail sent by an author trying to drum up interest in her new book. Here is an actual line from the synopsis:

"In her side-bar search for a white man with money, she ends up getting sidetracked by a young college man suspected to be a thug in disguise."

*blink*

Doesn't this read like something from a "World's Worst Prose" contest? Ol' Billy Shakespeare just appeared in a puff of smoke and gave me such a smack for transcribing it. So thank goodness she's self-publishing. Or should I say, I'm not surprised she is.

- Farmer Ted