International House of Horrors: Misplaced paens...

So Michael Jackson died last week and the world seems to be either expressing keens of grief or wallowing in the ghoulish commercialism of it all. While I am sorry he died, I just viewed him as an entertainer. Period. One that hadn't put out any new material in years; something that makes me wonder why people are rushing to buy music they already had. And I do feel for the family of Farrah Fawcett: the actress passed away after a brave battle with cancer at the same time as Michael Jackson and got buried (pardon the pun) in the hype surrounding his demise.

But someone else passed away a few days later who's passing at the same untimely age of 50 as Jackson and from the same cause has gone virtually unnoticed. I'm talking about, who else, Billy Mays. You know him: he was the guy who was always on TV with the bushy beard and the booming voice enticing you to buy household cleaning products like OrangeGlo and OxiClean. His genuineness and excitement just seemed to, well, shine (pardon the pun). And to me, he's much more deserving of tribute than Mr Jackson. Why? Let's take a look at a few facts:

Decorum:
MAYS: Wife reads, "Although Billy lived a public life, we don't anticipate making any public statements over the next couple of days. Our family asks that you respect our privacy during these difficult times."
JACKSON: With Rev Jesse Jackson as spokesman, family publicly disputes autopsy and hires a private forensic examiner. Janet Jackson & Jamie Foxx later ham it up on the BET Entertainer Awards.

Generosity:
MAYS: Visitors to his house typically got bottles of cleaner and housekeeping tips.
JACKSON: Visitors not typically welcome unless they had small children and gullible parents.

Legacy:
MAYS: "He'll live on forever because he always had the biggest heart in the world." (Former wife, Dee-Dee Mays)
JACKSON: "He'll live forever because he was, by the end, pretty much all plastic and wax." (Former plastic surgeon)

So pick carefully who you put on a pedestal, my friends.

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: Optimism...

When it comes to the weather, Australians have to be the most optimistic nation in the world. Why? Despite over 10 years of weather with far below average rainfall in all areas, rather than admit to climate change they put on their rose-colored sunnies and call it a "slight drought." And I'm not talking global warming climate change but analysis by climatologists that show that Australia was merely in one of its wet periods when it was settled.

So when after 2 years of the Todd River being completely dried up, it began running again following 2-inches of rain in what we in the US would've just regarded as a flash flood, the event was instead hailed in the community as hope the drought is over. It's not of course and the river dried back up within hours. "No worries!" they exclaim, "It'll be back to normal soon!"

What then fuels this optimism? I would say maybe it was something in the water but, well, ya know...

- Farmer Ted

Inside the Coriolis effect...

We're in the middle of a heatwave here in my part of Australia. I'm talking day after day of +105F temperature with blazing sun. A sun that is actually killing trees it's so strong and the temperature so hot. At night, we're lucky if it gets down to 90F.

As you might expect, the culprit of this is a high-pressure system. Rather like the harbinger of US summer heat waves when it hangs over Bermuda, this one is over the Tasman Sea between Australia and New Zealand. The big difference is because of the Coriolis effect, which means weather systems spin in opposite directions in the northern and southern hemispheres.

Being born and raised in the US, I tend to forget this little fact and so am constantly suprised by weather map here as I invariable apply my northen hemisphere logic and so get it all wrong. Little things that keep tripping me up such as:

• Cold air comes from the south;
• Hot weather comes from the north;
• Summer sun is in the northern sky;
• Moss doesn't grow on any side of a tree.

Even Heat Miser would be having a nervous breakdown.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Wisdom through the ages...

On the day of celebrating the legacy of the Rev Dr. Martin Luther King,
On the eve of the inauguration of the first African-American as President of the United States of America,
And on the hopes of change by a country tired by war and economic troubles;
Come words of timeless wisdom by Dr King almost it seems directly to President-elect Barack Obama:

"A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Now go lead, Mr President.

- Farmer Ted

Into the new year...

Well here it is 2009 and I'm winding up my two years here in Australia.

This year, I spent Christmas back in the US but saw the new year turn here in Australia. An interesting experience not just because of the time difference (a full 16 hours ahead of the east coast of the US) but also because it's summertime here in the southern hemisphere. Meaning New Year's Eve celebrations are typically held either outdoors having a late barbecue or on a beach. Or better yet outdoor watching fireworks without a scarf, gloves and mittens but in shorts and sandals.

I guess there are worse ways to do it, huh?

But this allowed me to puzzle out why some things are missing around the holiday here that we take for granted in the northern climes.

Like holiday movies. It was interesting to discover the low number of Australians who've seen the holiday movies that we hold dear in the US. And I'm not talking about modern classics like "Scrooged" starring Bill Murray, but even "A Miracle on 34th Street" starring Maureen O'Hara and a young Natalie Wood. That is, until I realized that unlike the US where it's cold so we're indoors doing things like being curled up watching a movie while it's cold outside, here they're at the beach boogie boarding and throwing lamb kabobs on the barbie.

To each his own, I say.

Happy 2009!

- Farmer Ted

Men are from Mars...

While flipping through television channels the other day, Butters observed mildly that the sports talk program the tuner rested on momentarily sure was gossipy. I couldn't agree more.

In fact, it led me to look at just how a sports talk program like ESPN SportsCenter is little different than The View as both sit around discussing topics of interest to them with little regard for what's really happening in the world outside. "Yet for all that," I can hear you say, "one is talking sports and the other fluff so they aren't really the same." Well, observe the chart below:

Maybe men and women are from the same planet after all.

- Farmer Ted

The VIII-th Commandment...

Thou shalt not steal.

Seems simple: when it comes to other peoples property, keep your hands to yourself. Oddly, from what I've seen, this rule seems to be more like keep your hands to yourself unless it's something you want.

At the office, I always kept something sitting on my desk: an EASY button. We Americans all know those as they're offered by Staples office supplies in the US; a store and ad campaign unknown in Australia. Pressing the bright red button with easy spelled out in bold white letters rewarded you with a cheerful voice blurting "That was easy!" Needless to say, the easy button was very popular around the office where - because it's an open plan office - folks I knew, and didn't know, would just walk by and press it, laughing and shaking their heads.

So you can imagine my surprise when I came in one day to find it gone. Stolen. Not only stolen but taken out of the building completely since it's the only one of its kind here. It's also a bit obvious as it can't seem to shut up when handled. My annoyance at the whole thing was only eclipsed by my sadness at someone doing it in the first place.

I mentioned it to a friend of mine, an re-pat ex-pat in another city here in Australia. He has a young school-age daughter who was born in the US and is learning to live here now. He related to me how his daughter came to him one day and in all seriousness asked, "Daddy? Why do kids here steal so much?" Surprised, he asked what she meant. "Well," she said,"when we go outside we have to wear hats and kids take anyone's so they can go out." Pronouncing, "That's not right to take something that belongs to someone else."

Out of the mouths of babes...

- Farmer Ted