Men are from Mars...

While flipping through television channels the other day, Butters observed mildly that the sports talk program the tuner rested on momentarily sure was gossipy. I couldn't agree more.

In fact, it led me to look at just how a sports talk program like ESPN SportsCenter is little different than The View as both sit around discussing topics of interest to them with little regard for what's really happening in the world outside. "Yet for all that," I can hear you say, "one is talking sports and the other fluff so they aren't really the same." Well, observe the chart below:

Maybe men and women are from the same planet after all.

- Farmer Ted

The VIII-th Commandment...

Thou shalt not steal.

Seems simple: when it comes to other peoples property, keep your hands to yourself. Oddly, from what I've seen, this rule seems to be more like keep your hands to yourself unless it's something you want.

At the office, I always kept something sitting on my desk: an EASY button. We Americans all know those as they're offered by Staples office supplies in the US; a store and ad campaign unknown in Australia. Pressing the bright red button with easy spelled out in bold white letters rewarded you with a cheerful voice blurting "That was easy!" Needless to say, the easy button was very popular around the office where - because it's an open plan office - folks I knew, and didn't know, would just walk by and press it, laughing and shaking their heads.

So you can imagine my surprise when I came in one day to find it gone. Stolen. Not only stolen but taken out of the building completely since it's the only one of its kind here. It's also a bit obvious as it can't seem to shut up when handled. My annoyance at the whole thing was only eclipsed by my sadness at someone doing it in the first place.

I mentioned it to a friend of mine, an re-pat ex-pat in another city here in Australia. He has a young school-age daughter who was born in the US and is learning to live here now. He related to me how his daughter came to him one day and in all seriousness asked, "Daddy? Why do kids here steal so much?" Surprised, he asked what she meant. "Well," she said,"when we go outside we have to wear hats and kids take anyone's so they can go out." Pronouncing, "That's not right to take something that belongs to someone else."

Out of the mouths of babes...

- Farmer Ted

You just put your lips together and blow...

I was motioned over by the state police for a breathalyzer test this past weekend while entering a town where a rock festival was being held. Now, I have never been pulled over for anything in Australia before, so as I carefully pulled my car onto the soft shoulder and slowly towards the waiting officer I wasn't sure what to expect.

Winding down my window, he stepped up to my car door holding a small black box-like affair sporting a white tube.

"Police breathalyzer test. Do you consent to being tested?" he summarily asked not realizing how I relished this unique experience.

"Of course," I said eagerly.

After pressing a few buttons, causing an angry *beep* to come from the box with each press, he held it so the tube was to my lips.

"Just blow in the end of the breathalyzer tube, thank you" he said.

"Phht!" I blew a quick breath.

I was rewarded with an annoyed *beep* sound from the machine. "Uh, harder," he advised.

"PHHT!"

**BEEP**

"Again, but longer this time," obviously wondering how tough this was going to be.

"PHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT!" I phht'd, I swear turning blue in the face.

I knew I was successful this time because the breathalyzer unit responded with a rather smug beep. A quick look at the unit by the officer and I was waved on my way with a curt "Thanks!"

Oh well, at least I'll remember my first time fondly.

- Farmer Ted