As the year turns...

Everyone says "Boy, am I glad this year is over!" at the end of every year. Can't say that's normally true for me. I mean, stuff happens - both good and bad - which is just how life is.

2007 promises to be quite a year for Farmer Ted, I think. In all likelyhood, the view you see at right from the porch may change. But that's in 2007.

Every year I re-read the poem "Paeans" that Maya Angeou recited at the Millennium Celebration in Washington DC for 2000. For me, it's just as appropriate now as we look to what we hope will be as the year turns:

The bells are a-clamor,
chimes have been loosed;
there is a banquet of Hosannas in the air.

We have endured endless peaks of pain and valleys of loneliness;
We have lost beloved's we could not live without; yet we have lived.

We have encountered unforgivable cruelty; yet we have forgiven, yet we have been forgiven.

We have survived, flourished, and thrived with passion, compassion, humor and style. We have been fortunate and worthy.

Now we stand, heavy laden, before a great gate which leads to the rest of all time. It swings ajar, and we know at this critical moment that not all we carry need enter when we enter.

We can evict hate and scorn from our souls; we can open clenched fists, and let bigotry, malice and enmity fall back down the slope to yesterday.

We can lay down our burden of violence and step lightly over the lintel into a vernal and newly-minted tomorrow.

We, who never saw a new century; we, who never saw a new one thousand years, can join the hallelujah, the hymns, the paeans, the voices all over the world.

We can shout or whisper, scream or mumble:
Happy New Millennium!
Happy New Century!!
Happy New Year!!!

Wishing us all peace,

- Farmer Ted

Y'all come back now, y'here...

Southern hospitality used to perplex me.

I've wandered down from the porch and to the nearest Wal*Mart because (let's face it) they do have the best prices. And as I bumped around the crowds with my cart, I couldn't help but notice how dayum polite everyone was.

Me: "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to crush your child with my cart!"
Shopper: (in a southern lilt) "Don't you worry about that! A little Bactine will fix that right up. Merry Christmas, y'all!"

I say it *used* to perplex me because I was observing my mother the other day when folks came over on Christmas. Now, she was born and raised in the south and has the ability, as I put it, "to invite a tornado in to 'set a spell'."

For example, this couple dropped by I know she didn't particularly care for. "Come on in!" she said. "Don't be silly, y'all just go'on have another piece of that pie!" she gushed. "Oh no! Do you have to go?" she says. Then once the door was closed behind them? "I never thought they'd leave!" she hissed. "Can you imagine the NERVE of them showing up here? And then to eat like pigs!"

Taught me a valuable lesson about people: Culture can mask a lot of things. Be aware.

- Farmer Ted

Make mine a cruller...

I loved the series Moonlighting.

Sitting here on the porch in that quiet time I'm reflecting just a bit. TV is just a bit boring since all the channels are showing re-runs. I mean, I really like South Park but even I can only take so much.

But I wanted you to know that I did find the Krispy Kreme Iced Crullers, so I'm set. And finding those reminded me of one of my favorite episodes from the series Moonlighting, "North by North DiPesto", the first episode where the character Agnes DiPesto is the central character.

In it, Agnes is down because her life is so routine and boring, even to the kind of donut she always orders from the bakery - jelly. Wishing to make her life more exciting, David and Maddie give her a ticket to the LA Detectives Ball. There, Miss Dipesto (as she is affectionately called) begins a whirlwind 24 hours of handsome men, intrigue, murder, and secret agents. It's really a fun episode and sorta brings home the old adage "Be careful what you wish for" as she comes close to being rinsed off in a laundry - permanently. The episode ends with her happily back at her desk and her life, but not the same: she picks up the phone and says to the bakery "...make mine a cruller."

A convoluted connection, I know. And yet it brings to mind a song that often comes to mind when I'm in a situation like hers (minus the murder and secret agents, of course) "Anything Can Happen" by Was (Not Was). Or better, the line by Miss DiPesto when she's caught up in all of the mayhem and she protests by wailing, "I'm someone who answers the phones!"

It's that amazing quality to life that gives Farmer Ted stuff to write about.

- Farmer Ted

It's got to be the morning after...

The day after Christmas is always strange, isn't it? All the gifts are unwrapped and taken. Or perhaps left under the tree in some misplaced attempt to recapture the anticipation of Christmas Eve. Gift cards don't count left under the tree, btw. They make miserable packages.

Not like it's a bad day at all. For me, it's one of my favorites. Things are quieter for one thing. Guests are gone and the Christmas visits are accomplished. And all the Christmas goodies are left to munch on without the frenetic activity of Christmas Day itself.

One thing I actually look forward to is heading off the porch to the sales at the retail stores and I have a long list of things I need to look for. As usual, the list reads like tea leaves for what occurred on Christmas. (Handing you my best mystic turban) Here's my current shopping list and while you're wearing the turban you'll "see" a snatch of conversation from Christmas Day:

o Set of wine glasses (you sense "Oh no! Not enough wine glasses. Guess it's time to break out the jelly jars!")

o Wine ("My gawd! They drank even out of jelly jars.")

o USB printer cord ("Dang! It didn't have one in the box? How was I supposed to know?")

o Printer cartridges ("I guess spares would be a good idea since the kids print out anything and everything.")

o Spoons ("If you can't find a clean teaspoon when you want one, it's time to buy more.")

o Orange Juice ("Out already?!? Was Anita Bryant here for Christmas?")

o Krispy Kreme Chocolate Iced Crullers (BLANK)

Okay. That last one is just for me.

- Farmer Ted

Wishing you a bedazzled Christmas...

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Your host, Farmer Ted, is back on the porch for the holidays and it feels good to be in the US again. If only because the holiday season is just not complete without the run of uniquely American schlock commercials which seem to abound at this time of year.

The first one I saw was for The Bedazzler. You know, the product that gives the opportunity to jewel encrust all manner of your attire? Who can forget the commercial depicting the pink stretch top with Sexy Girl emblazoned across the nipples. Now that's classy.

"It's easy! It's fun! It's fantastic!" screams the announcer.

Not to be outdone, Joseph Enterprises continues the tradition with the 11th Wave of Chia's (I kid you not, they are rolled out in waves) including the 25th anniversary Chia Alarm Clock and the Cuddly Chia Puppy. Although who can really cuddle up with a herbaceous figurine.

And what about the Pocket Fisherman from Ronco. Every time I see the commercial it makes me remember fondly those days as a kid casting longing and futilely into the Bronx River, hoping to suprise my mom with fish for dinner. Luckily I never caught anything. Shudder.

Yes, it's good to be back.

Welcome home, Farmer Ted.

Welcome home.

- Farmer Ted

Get ready to play...

"You can't help but notice that cute guy at the gym, in the bar or around the neighborhood. You smile at each other. And all you're thinking is one question..."

This the premise that Lifetime Television is betting will be the newest game show sensation since "Let's Make a Deal." Only in this case, the deal is whether a female contestant can meet and interact with three guys and determine which one is "Gay, Straight, or Taken."

And the tagline? "Play the game you already play!"

In this self-proclaimed "new kind of dating game" a woman is sent on a series of encounters with three men. If she can correctly select which one is straight and single, they both get sent on a "luxurious dream getaway for her and this available bachelor." Otherwise, the guy she mistakenly picks wins the getaway. Viewers are encourage to play along with an online scorecard.

While whimsical in some ways, I do think this whole thing is slightly offensive not because of the premise per se but in how stereotypically gays are portrayed in print ads. Snidely quips one, "Is this guy checking you out because: a) you're pretty? b) you look just like his girlfriend? c) he likes your shoes?"

Uh, "...likes your SHOES?"

Who writes this stuff, Sean Hannity?

Especially their so-called scorecard where you rank your "guydar," which I guess is their feeble attempt at spoofing the term "gaydar". Because as everyone knows, gays are not "guys", right?

*rolling my eyes*

Bzzzzzt. Ooh! So sorry, Lifetime. You win a years supply of Rice-A-Roni, The San Francisco Treat.

And, thanks for playing.

- Farmer Ted

Just call him "Bond"...

Saw the new 007 flick, Casino Royale. Let me just say it was the best Bond in decades. And it's all due to Daniel Craig filling the role of "James Bond".

Now I will admit when he was first announced as the choice in the film I was sceptical. But not for the reason you think: Daniel Craig is one of the finer actors today. I don't know if it was that my expectations for the actors who play Bond had dropped considerably over the years or what. But I felt he was - in truth - over qualified to play the role.

But he proved me wrong, bringing layers of complexity and rueful humor to a character that I'd come to expect to be merely a cardboard cut-out in a plot driven movie.

And the blue eyes and perfectly sculpted body don't hurt either! A body which we see clearly as he rises out of the ocean in a odd juxstaposition from the same move by Ursala Andress and Halle Berry. Hmmm.

Anyway, if by the end of the first 15 minutes you don't agree with me that this is the best Bond? Why. Why. I'll eat my head. Or maybe drink a dozen Vespers.

- Farmer Ted

Let's hear it for the 25th anniversary...

Today is World AIDS Day.

This year also marks the 25th anniversary of the CDC recognizing this plague as Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome.

Every year I take this time out to think about the friends and strangers lost to this terrible disease.

AIDS has a face. I have looked into that face as it realized it was infected. I have cried with that face as it was horrified with the changes wreaked on it by the virus. I have gazed into that face, trying to convey without words all my fervent hope that everything would be fine.

And I have sat alone, bereft of amazing people who deserved more from life than to be a statistic.

Yes, AIDS has a face. It can be the face of a friend. A sister. A baby. A lover. It is a human face.

And on my knees I offer up a prayer for people in my life still afflicted - and for those who I don't even know - for health and peace. And God's love.

Yes, it's been 25 years. And this is one occasion I wish never goes to 26.

- Farmer Ted