Yawwwwn...

Do you know the average person needs 20 minutes of wakening in the morning? I saw this on a BBC special recently. Except in my case, it's more like 2 hrs and 15 minutes. Met up with Pinchy while in Sydney this weekend. Over dinner he mentioned it takes him 30 minutes from alarm clock going off to hitting the pavement to walk to work. That includes shower, shave, dress, and breakfast. His girlfriend Kat nodded agreement.

(BLINK)

It takes me 30 minutes before I stop hitting the snooze button.

Dunno what's wrong with me then. But it does give me more time to enjoy the process. To stop and look out the window at the sun coming up. To let a good hot shower slowly waken me. And then to enjoy my toast with jam gotten from The Jam Lady in Robe, listening to ABC Classic FM.

Ya know, somehow I think I'm getting the better deal.

- Farmer Ted

Shocking pink...

While having a coffee the other day, one of my Aussie co-workers related a weird story he'd heard on the news. Something about a woman holding a gathering of women in her home where, instead of buying Tupperware or Avon, they sold tasers.

Now, I fully expected he was kidding me as usual (or as they would say, "taking the piss") about the violent culture of the US, but on a little investigation I found out it's true. In fashion colors, yet. But just as dangerous.

So gone are the old days of a wife standing in the door holding a rolling pin when the errant husband comes stumbling in at all hours. Instead, she'll now be holding her nightgown-matching taser at the ready.

Wife: And just where were you until 1am, mister?
Husband: [moving in to kiss her] Working late hon...
Wife: [raises taser to his neck] ZAP! Where?
Husband: [now on his knees] A flat tire. I swear it was a flat tire. I...
Wife: ZAP! WHERE?
Husband: [twitching helplessly on the floor] A pub. I was at a pub with the guys! I'm soooorrrry!
Wife: [smugly] Mm-hm. Thought so.

Life at home will never be the same.

- Farmer Ted

La plus ca change...

Visiting Sydney this past and very rainy weekend I was looking for a place indoors to pass the time. Coming upon The Art Gallery of New South Wales I wandered in.

Three things struck me.

The first thing that struck me was in the US we would call this edifice an art museum. But not being the pedantic type, I let that go in the face of the second thing: it appeared half of Sydney was also looking for a place to go, anywhere to go, just as long as it was out of the rain. Ducking out of this madhouse of humanity and into the first empty-looking exhibit hall I found myself immersed in Chinese artifacts dating back to the 1600's. Graceful pottery, exquisite statuary, and rich textiles abounded. Then the third thing struck me: what happened to any semblance of this ancient culture? From having just come from Paddy's Market, I did know what it had turned into.

All I could do was sigh.

On the train to the airport a bedraggled woman shepherding some very bored youngsters was in a seat nearby. One of her brood, seeing a sign for the Museum of Sydney on the wall, asked "What's a museum?" to which the mother replied "It's a very interesting place."

And I thought, "Interesting? Talk about the kiss of death as far as THAT kid ever stepping foot into one."

I'm just sayin...

- Farmer Ted

The Smoking Gun overlooked: Vehicles adornments...

Yet another news item out of Florida (US) missed by the editors of The Smoking Gun.

State moves to ban fake testicles on vehicles


Again, you can't make this stuff up, folks!

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: The Oracle of Seneca speaks...

Seneca, South Carolina (US) I mean. And by that I'm referring to John Edwards, who finally threw his endorsement to Barack Obama as the Democratic Party candidate in the upcoming US presidential elections.

When you think about it, our John was a man who held his own counsel about who to back. Like the Oracle of Delphi, eyes closed in a seeming trance ignoring supplicants until ready to speak. After all, what was at stake was being chosen as a running mate to the winner of this bloody battle for supremacy between the good Senators.

No sense in speaking before the die seems cast, right?

Thus, the endorsement of Senator Obama by John Edwards is easily seen as an indication of the state of Senator Clinton's hopes for Democratic presidential candidacy.

And given how her ill-spoken observation "how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me" is foolhardy considering that Edwards counts the same constituency; putting into my head that an Obama-Edwards ticket could be a winner for the Democrats.

Who knew that Mrs Clinton has oracular talent as well.

- Farmer Ted

Import/Export...

Everyone here who knows someone overseas does it. I mean have visiting friends from the US bring over items for them, almost always items unavailable here in Australia.

For me, that's pretty much personal grooming products that - like everyone - I find I like but just can't seem to find the same ones over here. Well almost. You see, I like Aveda products; which are available here. Only for some reason they are 2- to 3-times as expensive in Australia as in the US despite the current exchange rate. Look at this price comparison chart:

So since I don't have an organ to spare, I have friends bring over whatever I'm out of. Each sorta like my own personal "Chanel" Corby, so-to-speak.

But at least I look my best.

- Farmer Ted

Have I got a tip for you...

One of the favorite sports here is Australian Rules Football or "footy". There are 16 teams in a an organization called the Australian Football League or AFL. Patterned after the NFL, each team is a franchise and is associated with an Australian city. In the case of where I am, there are two footy teams.

And like in US football, fans are rabid over AFL and their local teams. Not being a big NFL fan and on top of that being American, I can't say I get all the AFL excitement. Especially since some of their uniforms are pretty dumb looking.

But I have been to a footy match and participate in an activity here called "footy tipping." Footy tipping is essentially and organized selection of the winning teams each week for fun. I do it just to be sociable, truth-to-tell.

Like I said, not being from here I have absolutely no affiliation with any team or strong feelings at all about any particular one for that matter. So when I tip, it's pretty logical and unsentimental. I look at the favorites, remember any team news I'd heard, figure there'll be a few upsets and then make my selections for the 8 matches played per weekend.

I was 8/8 last week, 7/8 the past two weeks and am #2 out of 55 on the rankings ladder in my competition.

Let me just say this has not endeared me to the Australians on the ladder, who find it unthinkable a "yank" could out-guess them at their own game; meaning they hardly stop by to say "congratulations", that's for sure.

Oh well, bitterness never is pretty.

- Farmer Ted