Bu-bye...

I read in a book recently that in America, "social class is probably the single most important variable in society." Yet the idea that the US is classless is one we hold dear.

While this notion is - of course - patently false, nowhere is the idea of social class more enforced than by airline frequent flier programs. In these programs you accrue loyalty miles for flying with a particular airline or airlines. The more miles you get the higher your level and so your status. Status levels with names like, "bronze", "sliver", "gold", and "platinum"; or worse yet, "member" up to "elite". And with each level come perks such as priority boarding, special check-in lines, better seating, and club lounges to go to instead of waiting at the gates.

And I've even enjoyed it, I'm embarrassed to say. Like at an airport once where there was a special security lane for frequent fliers allowing you to skip directly to the barrier. As I walked past the 50 or so people in line I heard someone grumble about me not getting in line, only to have their companion whisper, "Oh! He must be one of those elite fliers!" People turned and stared.

But the let me tell you, the old saying, "...the harder they fall" certainly applies too. As I found out when, not realizing my level had been dropped in a period of inactivity, I nonetheless showed up at the airline club lounge following a particularly horrific flight. After a quick check of my name in the golden book the gatekeeper at the club desk purred with malicious glee, "Ooo. So sorry Mr Ted, but your membership no longer includes access to the lounge. Uh, bu-bye." And looking past me brightly said, "Next in line, please."

I could have sworn I heard her mumble something like "let them eat cake." But with the whoosh of the exit door closing behind me, maybe I misheard. Oh well, "Easy come.."

- Farmer Ted

That's a lotta candles...

To all my countrymen, a safe and Happy 4th of July holiday!


- Farmer Ted

Being musically serendipitous...

Have you ever discovered music only to suddenly hear it in the most unexpected places? Well here are three items that are on my iPod playlist that I'm listening to right now:

"Where the Wild Roses Grow", Nick Cave & Kylie Minogue - Dark and eerie with a cool video, Butters first introduced me to this song. Since then I've heard it on various YouTube videos playing in the background and on TV. I never would have even noticed this before.

"Salala", Angelique Kidjo & Peter Gabriel - I had the privilege of seeing Ms Kidjo in concert here. I'd never heard of her before and received the tickets as a gift. She is stunning on stage and can truthfully say I have never enjoyed a concert more in my life. Since then I have heard her music in the most unlikely places including a bookstore in the San Francisco airport and playing on outdoor speakers at a shopping mall in Australia. I'm glad I appreciate who she is now.

"Chase That Feeling", Hilltop Hoods - It is a rare Hip-Hop song indeed that makes me want to hear more, but this song is the #1 played on my iPod and on constant repeat. I first saw the video for it on RAGE and then received the CD as a gift. Hilltop Hoods are a trio from, of all places, Adelaide SA from an area I'm very familiar with (for reasons I won't go into here :-). They have swept the charts in Australia and my only regret is that the US seems blissfully unaware of them at the moment. But I think once this track hits the US - and lemme tell ya they do everything right on it - it will be huge.

Interestingly, these artists are either Australian or I first heard of them here in Australia. Hm. Is there a pod under my bed?

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: It's next to godliness...

This Australian behavior caused my mouth to drop open.

I remember the first time a few years ago when I was here on a business trip and went into a Maccas (that's McDonald's to you and me) for a quick bite. Sitting down in the minuscule dining area, I observed a couple who had finished their meal blithely get up leaving the trash from their meal behind without a backward glance. I was shocked to the core. "Oo! My momma would give them such a pinch," I thought! Only to see yet another group do it, followed minutes later by some bottom-of-the-rung McD's employee busing the tables.

Since then I have seen it countless times; including people at food courts eat amongst other people's leavings rather than clear the table. Even today a group of kids in an outdoor eating area of a fast-food restaurant got up and left their trash on a table mere feet from a receptacle, only to have it join the other discarded meal packages blowing around the parking lot like brightly colored confetti.

And remember that McDonald's I was talking about? It got so bad one night it garnered worldwide attention when someone posted cell phone footage of the mess on YouTube.

The Singaporean newspaper, The Straits Times, recounted an on-line blog entry, "I, for one, will not clear my trays at a foodcourt, not because I lack social graces, but because most foodcourts are not designed for customers to do that. What's next? Asking diners to clear up after themselves at a restaurant?"

Maybe it's just me.

- Farmer Ted

It's the simple things...

Would you believe I've been here for two years now? The chair has practically worn a groove in the porch meaning it's pretty comfortable. While globalization and the fact we all come from comparable societies has meant I'm able to find what I need, there are still a few simple things I'm missing about back in the US.

Like a bagel slicer. While in every store in the US bagel slicers are, in fact, unknown here. Yes, I said "unknown". Not the least reason because people don't really eat bagels widely here. Like when I went to an upscale cooking implement store to find one:

Me: (to clerk) Excuse me, but do you sell bagel slicers here?
Clerk: (slowly) A bagel slicer... (turning to another clerk behind her) Say, do we have bagel slicers?
Clerk #2: What's a bagel slicer?
Me: Well, it looks sorta like a guillotine. You push the handle down and it slices the bagel in half with no fuss.
Clerk #2: Nooo. We have nothing like that. But wow! What a great idea!
Clerk #1: But I don't eat bagels anyway. Do you?
Clerk #2: No.
Me: (sigh)
So, armed only with a bread knife and determination I've shed blood several times accomplishing this simple task.

But help may be on the way in the form of Butter's trip to the US; Customs willing, of course. But if they raise any questions, all it would take is sharing a perfectly sliced and toasted everything bagel with a schmear and it's in!

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Misplaced paens...

So Michael Jackson died last week and the world seems to be either expressing keens of grief or wallowing in the ghoulish commercialism of it all. While I am sorry he died, I just viewed him as an entertainer. Period. One that hadn't put out any new material in years; something that makes me wonder why people are rushing to buy music they already had. And I do feel for the family of Farrah Fawcett: the actress passed away after a brave battle with cancer at the same time as Michael Jackson and got buried (pardon the pun) in the hype surrounding his demise.

But someone else passed away a few days later who's passing at the same untimely age of 50 as Jackson and from the same cause has gone virtually unnoticed. I'm talking about, who else, Billy Mays. You know him: he was the guy who was always on TV with the bushy beard and the booming voice enticing you to buy household cleaning products like OrangeGlo and OxiClean. His genuineness and excitement just seemed to, well, shine (pardon the pun). And to me, he's much more deserving of tribute than Mr Jackson. Why? Let's take a look at a few facts:

Decorum:
MAYS: Wife reads, "Although Billy lived a public life, we don't anticipate making any public statements over the next couple of days. Our family asks that you respect our privacy during these difficult times."
JACKSON: With Rev Jesse Jackson as spokesman, family publicly disputes autopsy and hires a private forensic examiner. Janet Jackson & Jamie Foxx later ham it up on the BET Entertainer Awards.

Generosity:
MAYS: Visitors to his house typically got bottles of cleaner and housekeeping tips.
JACKSON: Visitors not typically welcome unless they had small children and gullible parents.

Legacy:
MAYS: "He'll live on forever because he always had the biggest heart in the world." (Former wife, Dee-Dee Mays)
JACKSON: "He'll live forever because he was, by the end, pretty much all plastic and wax." (Former plastic surgeon)

So pick carefully who you put on a pedestal, my friends.

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: Optimism...

When it comes to the weather, Australians have to be the most optimistic nation in the world. Why? Despite over 10 years of weather with far below average rainfall in all areas, rather than admit to climate change they put on their rose-colored sunnies and call it a "slight drought." And I'm not talking global warming climate change but analysis by climatologists that show that Australia was merely in one of its wet periods when it was settled.

So when after 2 years of the Todd River being completely dried up, it began running again following 2-inches of rain in what we in the US would've just regarded as a flash flood, the event was instead hailed in the community as hope the drought is over. It's not of course and the river dried back up within hours. "No worries!" they exclaim, "It'll be back to normal soon!"

What then fuels this optimism? I would say maybe it was something in the water but, well, ya know...

- Farmer Ted