Wonders...

View from my balcony a few moments ago:


Sometimes you gotta wonder what we did to deserve this.

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: The long and "shorts" of it...

I'm going to have to mention "unmentionables" here. "What's that?" I hear from my Australian readers? As every American knows I'm referring to underwear. Trying to find American-style Fruit of the Loom here is about as easy as finding a sober Australian at The Lord Nelson.

But let's get a few thing straight first: Cotton. Underwear should be cotton. And tell me, what's wrong with the color white? As every good American knows, underwear should always be white. Even Michael Jordan knows that. (Pinchy? Cat? Yes, you can up my count by including this one, too. :-) In Australia they come in every color BUT white. How can you tell if they're dirty?

Unless that's the point.

And what's with the price, yo? $10 for a single pair of briefs? It's a wonder more Aussies don't go commando.

Unless that's the point.

One thing I've learned, though, is the Australian definition of "thong". In the office building where I work are showers and prominently displayed on the door of them by our resident Principal Skinner is a laminated sign reading "For hygiene and safety, thongs must be worn in the shower area."

*blink*

It took me quite a while to puzzle out what to an American appears to be a complete non sequitur: "Safety"? "Thongs"? "Shower"? Until you realize in the US a thong is this; while in Australia it's this.

Guess that separated-by-a-common-language thing can bite... er bind ya in the most unexpected and uncomfortable of places.

- Farmer Ted

All possibilities...

Your Farmer does have a personality quirk: I do view each day, each event as a chance for new possibilities. A possibility for meeting new people, learning something, making a friend, gaining experience; giving me an opportunity to be a better Farmer on station. And when I do realize that I have gained something it gives me a lot of pleasure.

People have remarked I seem cheerful all the time and that nothing seems to bother me. Being human, of course things do bug the crap outta me at times. But keeping in mind there is something in just about everything that I'm meant to see or experience that I can use; and the most astonishing things in my life have been unlooked for and unexpected means I keep that sense of wonder.

As a matter of fact, before I would go out at night with my friends I would listen to "Anything Can Happen" by the group Was (Not Was). Never one of their more popular songs, I think. And at that time I was still going to The World in NYC to dance to the house music version of "Spy in the House of Love" so if you haven't heard of the song you're forgiven.

"Anything Can Happen." Perfect lyrics. Perfect sentiments. Give it a listen.

And you'll understand Ted a little better.

- Farmer Ted

Arachnophobia...

I was almost killed in my bedroom yesterday.

Woke up ("YAWWWWN"), stretched, got out of bed, and went to open the bedroom door stopping when reaching for the doorknob. "What the heck is that?" I wondered to myself as I bent down for a closer look. Some spider-looking shiny black spider had taken up residence in the space around the door jamb. Thinking of your garden variety American house spider, I paid it little mind thinking I'll just sweep it up after work.

When I finally did get home and went to take care of it, I decided to just have at it with the broom and kill it. In the final stages of the struggling to best the eight-legged monster, I noticed the rather bright red patterning on it's back. Quickly running my mind back over Bill Bryson's "In a Sunburned Country" I realized that this was actually a DEADLY SPIDER! And I ain't talking about Spiderman 3's alter ego either.

The mind shies away from how close I came to being spider fodder.

All I could see around my house all last night were visions of the spiders clicking their oozing mandibles and coming at me. Like when Robin Williams' character was trapped in the attic floor in the movie Jumanji. Chittering their nefarious chittering about how much more tasty Americans are than Australians because they don't taste like Vegemite.

Shudder.

As one Australian I related the story to said to me, "Ah mate! That's just the one you saw!" A second helpfully said, "Yeah, I tried to spray insecticide outside but that just meant they came inside to get away from it." While another added, "You're lucky it wasn't in your bed. Oh and I'll bet you'll shake out your shoes before you put them on too, huh?"

So, just how did they kill the beasties in Arachnophobia. Dr. Ross Jennings? I think I need some help here!

- Farmer Ted

"Bart! Stop pestering satan."

It's like you're always paying the devil.

What I've found here in Australia is that the entire economy appears to be run by very few large corporations or concerns. Practically like in the movie Rollerball. A contraversial TV/radio commentator here, Alan Jones, has been quite on a tear lately that one of the reasons prices in Australia are so high is because of this lack of true competition.

This was brought home to your ex-pat Farmer Ted when I went into a Tandy store to buy a clock radio so I could actually get up on time for work. Now, all Americans know that Tandy is where you go to buy no-frills items at no-frills prices. So I was suprised to see a veritable stable of Dick Smith Electronics branded products available (Dick Smith is a huge retailer of electronics goods at huge prices). So I asked the clerk why there are so many Dick Smith products in the store. "Oh, Tandy is owned by Dick Smith. And Dick Smith is owned by Woolworths," he replied, adding, "it's all the same these days, mate."

So trying to get away from Coles, Telstra, and Woolworths grip on competition in Australia is tantamount poking a stick at Satan. Like in The Simpsons episode "Treehouse of Horror IV":

Bart: I'd sell my soul for a formula one racing car.
[Satan Ned appears with a race car]
Ned: Heh heh heh, that can be arranged.
Bart: Changed my mind. Sorry.
[Ned vanishes] Cool!
Marge: Bart! Stop pestering Satan.

Just substitute "true marketplace competition" for "formula one racing car", and the CEO of Woolworths for Ned and you get what it seems like it would take here.

But sometimes the price is just too high.

- Farmer Ted

Becoming Mac-cool...

Now that I'm here, I ordered a Macintosh. And can you blame me? With all the press today about Vista already being targeted and hacked. Plus maintaining my XP machine takes hours, what with antivirus software, disk scans, anti-spyware, and endless "Click here to download the latest update" balloons.

I've given up.

We all remember fondly using Mac's in school. How simple and fun it was and so... well, kiddish. Then we graduated and went out into the big wide world. Replete with suits, paychecks, rent, and Microsoft. Was this really the price of growing up?

Well, I've decided to go back to what I learned in kindergarten. I've ordered a Mac mini with all the trimmings not just because it's not Windows but because it's so f*kin' cool I can't stand it.

What I didn't count on was the difference in price in Australia versus the US. Now I know about exchange rates and all, but how Macintosh in the US can cost half again as much Down Under is beyond the pale. Even in cheerful Australian dollars it's a ripoff. Someone is making money on this and I'd like to know who. I was thinking at first it was that very droppable "Mac" guy in the Macintosh ads (Apple? Are you listening? John Hodgman is freakin' HILARIOUS and you got a drip to play your product) but since he hasn't changed his grey monochromatic togs in for FUBU, I figure it must be the Australian government.

Johnny? John Howard? Where's my refund? Psh! No wonder you're smilin'...

- Farmer Ted

Farmer Ted, on station...

Well it finally happened. Your Farmer Ted has officially become, er, Farmer "Aussie" Ted after having emigrated to The Land Down Under. Here for a few years.

It's really odd thinking about being an American in Australia after all the posts I've written since my first "Observing the Aussies". Will I continue to observe these differences? Well, from my vantage point on the porch of the station, I certainly hope so. Even though Pinchy (a great mate from Sydney) seems to think I'm developing a rather lopsided view of this land by not living in the great state of New South Wales and more pointedly, Sydney.

But I don't think it's going to be a problem since it keeps smacking me in a face with rather a lot of vigor. For example, what are those round rubber air-filled things your car drives on? Here they are called "tyres". Something which caused giggles amongst my American co-workers here for meetings since the last time we saw that in the US it was a reference on The Discover Channel to an extinct city in Phoenicia.

Truthfully, I'm enjoying being here. I've gotten the usual "We're gonna visit!" from my countrymen all the while knowing they won't (after all, being American I know that and count on it). I've also gotten several stunned "So you really DID do it!" from my Australian friends along with an offer of their liver to help me keep up in the pub (see my post "They Make the world go round...").

I think I'm gonna make it after all.

- Farmer Ted