The Quadfecta of TV News Cuteness...

...happened recently on Channel 6 ABC (Philadelphia) morning news.

I don't know if you're aware of this, but with the advent of high-definition TV two things became obvious when it came to newscasting: 1) news story videos now appeared breathtakingly realistic; and 2) every pore on a newscasters face looked like a moon crater. One evidence of the panic of the industry has been a sudden run on Cover Girl and Max Factor products. The other has been the assemblage of younger, more good-looking people in front of the camera than ever before.

Channel 6 achieved the Perfect Storm of Pretty when I turned on the TV to see Matt O'Donnell (anchor), Tamala Edwards (anchor), Adam Joseph (weather), and Matt Pellman (traffic) on the set together.

All of a sudden I was thrown back to high school and could just see them gathered all together at a table in the cafeteria. Planning their next party and who they weren't going to invite.

Hmph.

But I'm not bitter.

- Farmer Ted

Death and taxes...

...are the two big truisms in life, as recent news events have shown us.

Steve Irwin
Unless you've been under a rock, you know he was killed in a freak encounter with a stingray. I know it's hard not to use the word "freak" when describing Mr Irwin, but in this case it's justifiably not his fault. Who would believe you could get a barb right through the heart from one of those things? Whew.

Ronald Isley
Formerly of The Isley Brothers, was convicted of tax evasion and sentenced to 3 years (plus one month) in prison yesterday. Better known these days as "Mr. Big" he'll soon be known by the rather uncool moniker of "Somebody's Bitch." Whew.

- Farmer Ted

Election season is upon us...

And even here on the porch I can hear the blare of bullhorns from candidates vying for your votes - and the special interest groups vying for your attention about those candidates. One of the most vocal of these at the Labor Day parade in Philadelphia were the unions. And as we all know, Philadelphia unions are well known for their finesse.

Yeah... right. Can you say "flushless toilets"?

Anyway, in the spirit of this observation I found an apropos bit of humor from Jon Stewart's "America" (which if you don't already own you should be relegated to mucking out the cow barn):

Meet Your Lobbyists

- Farmer Ted

"I Want To Be Your Property"...

It has more genres than you can name: Acid, Chicago, Garage, Deep, Vocal; and was presided over by the likes of Frankie Knuckles, Steve "Silk" Hurley, Armand van Helden, and Junior Vasquez. Of course I'm talking about House Music.

While out last night celebrating the fact that today I don't have to go to work (hey, what's Labor Day for?), the DJ at the club broke away briefly from yet another Kelly Clarkson remix and the House Music clarion call of "Can you feel it!" rang out. I got all misty thinking about nights traveling up to New York City just to dance until dawn at The World on the Lower East Side, which arguably spun the world's best House.

So for those of you who still answer the call here's a few mentions that'll put you in the Way Back Machine without a net: "You Used to Hold Me" (Ralphi Rosario), "Can You Party" (Todd Terry), "Do It Properly" (2 Puerto Ricans, A Blackman, and A Dominican), "Respect" (Adeva), "Voodoo Ray" (A Guy Called Gerald), "Where Love Lives" (Alison Limerick), and "French Kiss" (Lil' Louis) just to name a few.

Too black! Check this out./Too strong! Check this out.

Classic.

- Farmer Ted

Who needs the Emmy's...

Speaking of the fall season of TV, I'm already looking at all the new programs and trying to figure out which I'll try, which I'll try not to hate, and which I'll try not to hate more. So just in case they're not around later, I've come up with a few awards to them I'm handing out here, live, on the porch of Farmer Ted:

Most Anticipated New Show That Better Be On Its Toes Award: "30 Rock" (NBC) - starring Tina Fey & Tracy Morgan, but they gotta keep it tight.

Most Hyped New Show That'll Die A Slow Death Award: "Studio 60 On Sunset Strip" (NBC) - get the oxygen ready! This celeb heavy porker's gonna need it.

New Show I Can't Believe Slipped Through the Cracks Award: "Ugly Betty" (ABC) - weird concept with niche appeal. Hope it works.

New Show That Is So Not New It's Annoying Award: "'Til Death" (FOX) - nothing like following "Everybody Loves Raymond" with ELR II.

Most Kitschy Concept That'll Soon Be on Cable Award: "Day Break" (ABC) - Taye Diggs as a cop reliving the same murderous day? Oy.

The "Don't Quit Your Day Job" New Show Award: "Happy Hour" (FOX) - Newly divorced guy + boozer best friend + wacky neighbors = "You want fries with that?"

Critical Fave That Treads A Thin Line with Failure Award: "Jericho" (CBS) - Skeet Ulrich in a post apocalyptic cautionary tale. Hard to lighten this up.

Finally, the Old Show That Came Back From The Dead So It's A New Show For All Intents and Purposes Award: "What About Brian" (ABC) - even the high power creator J.J. Abrams had buried this one when it did a Lazarus on him. (Runner up: "7th Heaven" (CW)).

Happy watching!

- Farmer Ted

Why are the soap dispensers on the wall, ferchissake...

Hmph. Watch where you're looking with those eyes, Julian!

Will the FX series Nip/Tuck actually follow through with, as one columnist calls it, "the dance of the thousand gay veils" when Mario Lopez comes on-board (pardon the pun) as an "infuriatingly fit" plastic surgeon? As these leaked shots from FX show, you'll have to tune in on September 5 to find out. I think maybe even I'll go into the TV room just to see where they go with this one.

More, uh, Lopez-cake at Towelroad, Most Proper, or Popsugar.

Yo, Mario! Sure beats the hell outta that stint on The Other Half.

- Farmer Ted

You can't make this stuff up...

Sitting on the porch here, I tend to go through a lot of books. And I like a lot of genres including mystery, thrillers, historical fiction, and even the occasional beach book. So I was aghast when I read an e-mail sent by an author trying to drum up interest in her new book. Here is an actual line from the synopsis:

"In her side-bar search for a white man with money, she ends up getting sidetracked by a young college man suspected to be a thug in disguise."

*blink*

Doesn't this read like something from a "World's Worst Prose" contest? Ol' Billy Shakespeare just appeared in a puff of smoke and gave me such a smack for transcribing it. So thank goodness she's self-publishing. Or should I say, I'm not surprised she is.

- Farmer Ted