Farmer Ted's Porch

Through the looking glass...

2011-05-04T05:53:00.004-04:00

I remember the morning of September 11, 2001.

For me it was the moment, like Alice, that everything went from what I knew to a crazy place where nothing made sense anymore.

It was a typical morning going to work. It was my friend Clara's birthday and I sent her an e-mail as soon as I got in at 8am wishing her a fantastic day. Clara worked in Tower 6 of the World Trade Center complex. After composing and sending it off I was chatting with an admin, cup of coffee in one hand and a piece of bran muffin nabbed from a friend in the other, when someone rushed up with the news that the first plane had hit. Thinking he must be mistaken we grabbed a radio and tuned in.

My trip through the looking glass had begun.

What I realize is that I'm not the same person I was. Neither is the world. Simply too much has happened. Meaning the death of Osama bin Laden is not the shake I need - we need - to wake up. Because the other side of the looking glass, rather than a dream, is now the reality.

- Farmer Ted

Midsomer m*rders...

2010-09-06T05:22:00.002-04:00

I had a chance to actually be at a village fete a few weeks ago that put me in mind of what you would see during a production of "Midsomer Murders". Although in this case it was a less a matter of finding a body in the car park and more guessing the value of "antiques" piled on several tables as judged by two professional appraisers. And while there were plenty of suspects for each item on display, it would have taken Inspector Barnaby to ferret out the truth of who's was what. Or maybe no one wanted to admit their culpability. But from looking at what was on offer and the pained look on the appraisers faces, I can tell at least they felt a crime was definitely being perpetrated.

- Farmer Ted

Weird science? Not for me...

2010-09-03T20:46:00.005-04:00

Apparently it's tough to get students to consider going into science and engineering as a profession. Such was the testimony from Boeing to a US Congressional panel looking into the matter. "There's no shortage of scientists and engineers on TV and the movies, says Richard Stephens, senior vice-president of human resources and administration at Boeing. Many, however, are portrayed in an unsympathetic light. "In movies and on TV, 10 percent of characters are scientists and engineers," Stephens said. "Unfortunately, of those more than 70 percent kill others, are killed, or are overcome by lay people."

Uh, "lay people"?

Remember when it was considered uber-cool to be a scientist? When "Mr. Wizard" ruled the airwaves and the WGBH produced "Zoom" always included a segment doing a science experiment and I.G.Y. was more than just a Donald Fagen song. Even "McGyver" made the science behind the everyday accessible as he used a matchstick, a wad of chewing gum and a pickle to bring down a missile speeding to destroy Los Angeles...and do it remotely.

But it's been an uphill battle for a while, apparently, as I saw recently when I rented The Man in the White Suit on AppleTV. Produced in 1951 it was the era following WWII, the technology of the atom bomb and the rise of suburban US with all the devices the homes could want. In the movie, an out-of-work but utterly brilliant scientist invents a fabric that won't rip, stain or wear out. Rather than be welcomed as a hero, he is instead persecuted by the industrialist that fear it will put them out of business and the factory workers who fear it will put them out of a job. He winds up being laughed at, jeered at and hounded by mobs. As one washer woman with a pile of rags spits at him when he pleads for help, "Why can't you scientists leave things alone!"

For some reason, "Do you want fries with that?" looks like a more appreciated career choice.

- Farmer Ted

Fear on the fairground...

2010-09-01T19:11:00.009-04:00

Tomorrow starts an annual event in Adelaide that's over 100 years old: The Royal Adelaide Show or as it's been named, The Big Show. Starting as more of a farm exposition it now features not only agriculture exhibits but rides, contests, midways and showbags. Think of a county fair in the US on steroids. It's so popular here that schools actually close so the student body can attend, I guess rather than have them cut class along with their parents.

Now, I have no problem with this at all; heck it sounds like fun! It's their advertising that gives me the shivers. I've never been comfortable with the concept of clowns in general and I have real anxiety about the Big Show choice of clown image in particular.
How these don't give kids nightmares is beyond me.

- Farmer Ted

As the seasons turn (winter)...

2010-08-30T04:37:00.006-04:00

Some winter pics I've taken of places I've been in South Australia this year.

A local beach with a storm approaching. It can get pretty wild when they hit.
The River Torrens flooding. Most of the year this a veritable trickle. Winter is the rainy season in Australia and this August has been the rainiest in 18 years. Good, but it's still in drought around here overall.
See where the bench is? Yep, it's flooded. Unless you want your feet wet, that is.One of the Torrens catchments. The graffiti is evidence this is dry most of the time. I have learned the true meaning of "flash flood" from watching this go from empty to like this in mere minutes.
Remind me to reprise this in 6-month's time, ok?

- Farmer Ted

"What's the matter with kids..."

2010-08-27T02:41:00.013-04:00

After having embraced the technology before today's Gen-Y'ers were even born, I find myself feeling curiously left behind sometimes. Like the whole thing with social networking sites, something about which I have discussed my scorn and well-placed mistrust of before.

But even your Farmer may have to get on the social network bus by necessity. Take this exchange I had on the phone recently:

Me: (to my 15yo niece) We should keep in touch, Natasha.
Natasha: Well, why don’t you friend me on Facebook?
Me: Sorry. I don’t have a Facebook account.
Natasha: (with audible scorn) Oh…
Me: Well, why don’t you send me an email?
Natasha: (sounding pained) Email? Well I guess…
Me: OK! What’s your email address?
Natasha: I got lots of them. Which one do you want?
Me: (puzzled) Uh. I don’t know. Which one do you check most?
Natasha: I dunno. Gmail?
Me: GREAT! What’s your email address there?
Natasha: I got lots of 'em. I don’t know, try this one (reciting a username that must mean something if you're under 17).
Me: Perfect. I’ll send something there when I go online. You will check it, right?
Natasha: I guess. (pause) But why don’t you just friend me on Facebook?

Why do I feel like Harry MacAfee (Paul Lynde) in the movie Bye Bye Birdie?

- Farmer Ted

It's Fang-tastic..!

2010-08-25T18:59:00.004-04:00

I'm really hooked on HBO's "True Blood". I brought Season 1 of the show here with me on DVD and used it to glamour other unsuspecting viewers with it's rather salacious drama. I've downloaded Season 2 on iTunes and even though it's turned a bit more soap-ish and B-grade during the season, I love it just the same. And I am discriminating, finding vampire dramas like "Vampire Diaries" and the Twilight Saga just plain annoying; agreeing with True Blood creator Alan Ball when he said in Rolling Stone magazine that the idea of celibate vampires is ridiculous.

Butters does often wonder why I like the genre and even more puzzling why it doesn't give me nightmares. First off, I do realize there really are no such things as vampires; and, horror doesn't bother me - suspense does. So I sleep like a baby.

There is one thing about True Blood that does scare the bejeezus out of me every time I see it; and that's the still of the opossum during the opening credits. And given the cuddly look of what they call a possum in Australia, who can blame me?

So which would you rather meet in a dark attic?

- Farmer Ted

Fractured fairy tale tweets...

2010-08-23T23:28:00.008-04:00

While I do have disdain for social networking sites such as Facebook and their ilk, I will say that during election night of the recently held Federal elections here in Australia, Butters and I did tune in to Crikey.com and the veritable blizzard of Twitter traffic as the news analysis of the results droned on.

Now the majority of the tweets were as you would expect, inane blather of 140-chrs or less, but there were those that did provide some amusing moments. The one that had me laugh out loud was when the TV commentators talked about the race for the seat of Lalor, Victoria now held by the current Prime Minister, Ms Julia Gillard, against the Liberal candidate, Ms Sheridan Ingram.

When Ms Ingram's pic appeared on the screen came the well-timed tweet, "Rapunzel rapunzel let down your hair!"

I think soda shot out of my nose.

- Famer Ted

Observing the Aussies: Rules of the road...

2010-08-22T23:20:00.007-04:00

There are a few more things about driving that have puzzled me since coming to Australia. Things you point out to your standard Aussie and they laugh a bit uncomfortably thinking, "Yeah, why do we do that?"

DEATH SIGNS - Nothing seem to preoccupy the road safety nannies here in Australia than letting you know that getting behind the wheel of a car means you better have a paid up life insurance policy and a valid will. From distance markers predicting your demise, road side indicators marking someone else's demise or gruesome ads depicting your likely demise it makes you want to just stay home.

ROAD PILLOWS - What the heck are these yellow concrete things anyway? From what I can tell, other than to rip the suspension from the bottom of your car they can't really serve a purpose a simple painted line can't. And with much less vehicle damage.

WHAT EXIT NUMBERS? - The New Jersey state query of "What exit number do you live off of?" would be met with a puzzled silence here. Not sure why, but highway exits only list town or road names. It sure did get me lost one day when trying to find Pigeon's place and his breezy instructions to "Get off at the exit for my town" was not enough. Mostly because his town wasn't listed on any of the signs. After traveling for miles past and, I kid you not, seeing cow skeletons by the side of the road we finally got turned around and found it. "Oh, I guess it's not on the sign is it?" he apologized when we drove up dusty and almost out of gas, adding, "But I know the exit when I see it."

Just call me "King of the Road." Mate.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: H-E-double-L..

2010-08-19T04:34:00.005-04:00

There are two main political parties here in Australia: Labor - which for some reason is not spelled with a "u" in it; and Liberal - which is anything but as they are the conservative party. It is odd how there always seem to be two major politicals in every country I can think of. Hm.

But I digress.

What's fascinating about voting in Australia is that: a) voting is on a Saturday; b) all political ads have to stop two days before the election; and, c) you can get fined for not voting even if you're not in the country. Now while I wish the US would adopt "a" & "b", choice "c" can be binned, if you ask me.

The coolest thing is that they do preferential balloting. So when you vote, you don't just say "I pick you!" but, in schoolyard fashion when choosing sides at kickball, you get a first, second and third choice on down until there are either no candidates left or your pencil gets dull.

But the fun appears to really happen when it comes to counting the votes. Not only does it depend on what kind of election it is (state or federal) but also whether it's the House of Representatives or the Senate. How votes are counted given preferences is so complicated even Einstein would have scratched his head, involving "quotas", vote reallocation, proportional or transfer votes and a healthy dose of "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe".

Still, much like during election time in the US, I most look forward to when it will all be over.

- Farmer Ted

Trainspotting...

2009-10-23T16:54:00.009-04:00

I used to think I really loved trains.

It all started as a young boy when we would travel for summer vacation by train to visit relatives and I was hooked. So as a kid I would lovingly assemble my train set on the floor in the bedroom, happily making deliveries of goods to "towns" along the circular route. Never minding that it was the same set of plastic buildings for each town. As I grew older and my copies of Model Railroader kept growing, I began to actually have a collection of engines and rolling stock (ie, rail cars). And while real trains were interesting I never was a railroading enthusiast, always liking model ones the best.

After many (MANY) years of not being involved in the hobby, I recently decided to buy my first railroading enthusiast's magazine from a news agent here in Australia. This particular periodical hailed from the UK - the home of "trainspotters." These guys (and they are always male, it seems) get this particular nickname because they purportedly haunt train yards and lurk on rail right-of-ways wearing anoraks and clutching little note pads "spotting" trains by the number painted on the engines and writing them down in their notebooks. Sometimes traveling great distances to get that one number missing and bragging about it to their friends.

If it sounds like a sad existence, you'd be correct. And I never believed trainspotting was true. That is, until I got this magazine.

Page after page, letter after letter, article after article was written orgasmically describing train engines, the numbers on train engines, and that rite-of-passage moment into manhood when they scored "that missing number". Thank god there were no pictures.

All of a sudden, I don't think I'm so into trains after all.

- Farmer Ted

iTouch manifesto...

2009-10-17T04:26:00.009-04:00

Have you ever seen the 1970 movie classic "Colossus: The Forbin Project"? Exploiting the unfamiliarity of computers and Cold War fears, it's the story of an intelligent supercomputer, Colossus, built to control all US nuclear defenses. However Colossus detects the presence in the USSR of its counterpart, called Guardian. The two supercomputers begin communicating and decide it is mankind itself that must be controlled.

Fast forward to 2009 where the Wi-Fi Alliance has just announced the finalization of Wi-Fi Direct. You all know what wi-fi is, allowing our electronics to connect wirelessly to a hotspot, wireless router or access point and communicate. Well what would you think about your same device being able to communicate with other wi-fi enabled devices directly; without the hotspot or router? That's what Wi-Fi Direct does. And your devices are already able to do it, it just needs a software upgrade to be made available next year.

As you might have guessed, Apple is one of the sponsor members ratifying this standard.

So I can just imagine now all my Apple devices, from the Mac Mini to AppleTV and iPods, able to communicate directly and wirelessly with each other and others nearby. Deciding what music between themselves must be controlled. Eventually with other Apple products forming a huge SkyNet-like sentience and taking over the world. All to the sounds of the latest hit by the Black Eyed Peas.

I'm just sayin..

- Farmer Ted

T-shirts talk...

2009-10-09T01:10:00.003-04:00

Here in South Australia, the use of plastic lightweight shopping bags have been banned since midyear. While I applaud the effort if only for the trash reduction aspect, it does leave you in a lurch at times. Especially when it comes to unplanned buying of something so that you either didn't bring your own green bags or didn't bring enough of them.

Not to be caught napping, the two major supermarket chains, Coles and Woolworths, allow you to purchase durable heavy plastic shopping bags for 15-cents. These bags are interesting in that they are boldly printed with messages to make sure you know they are re-usable and exhortations not to just throw them away. These entreaties to use the bag again appear straightforward enough when you see them on the bag, however if you ask me they can take on a much more salacious note when the same message is printed on, say, a t-shirt.

So is it just me?

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: Hey Hey...

2009-10-08T01:22:00.002-04:00

I would say something about this but I'm too utterly disappointed.

Not angry. Disappointed.

- Farmer Ted

Free trade...

2009-10-06T20:14:00.004-04:00

I bought my first product from Cuba today at a store here in Australia.

Sure, that may not seem noteworthy to the rest of the world, but readers from the US know that is something never seen. As I decided I would make celebratory mojitos tonight for Butters and Illy, I went to the local bottle shop to purchase white rum. Looking at the dazzling array of offerings I found one that the type, price and size were right but the label was - unfamiliar. For a moment I just stared at it, seeing the label was written in spanish (nothing new, especially in the US) but puzzling over where it said it was from. I had to laugh at myself when I finally realized that "Cuba" in spanish was, in-truth, Cuba. Yes, that's how much we've been conditioned in the US - so that it doesn't even occur to us.

So I bought it. And while the the mojitos I serve will, I'm sure, be thirst quenching to the others; to me it will all be just a little bit cloak-and-dagger.

- Farmer Ted

Mindless marketing...

2009-10-02T01:33:00.006-04:00

How do you know when the term "free range" has been overused?

Guess there's really nothing more I can add.

- Farmer Ted

Springing forward...

2009-10-01T01:42:00.006-04:00

Nothing divides a country more than whether or not to observe the use of daylight savings time (DST). For the states in the US that don't use it, like Hawaii and Arizona, while state offices maintain one clock throughout the year federal offices, like the US Postal Service, do observe it to maintain schedules with other states. Thus if you were an Arizona - uh - an, opening and closing times would depend on when the rest of the US changed clocks. Here in Australia, the resistance to DST is a high art; with (historically) some states having their own dates to change the clocks or as now, some states not changing at all.

And while I've been neither a proponent nor detractor of the practice of DST, I definitely never bought the argument it saves energy.

But what gets me is the farmers are the most vocal complainers about having DST or not - something I don't understand. Does an eggplant really care about DST? Or when have cows worn a wristwatch?

"But then we'll have to get up just because the rest of the people do!" they exclaim.

Yeah, well, welcome to the real world.

- Farmer Ted

Who's the problem here...

2009-09-29T01:27:00.005-04:00

Butters just went to the dentist yesterday and came home with very sore gums. While getting out the Peroxyl, my own visits to the dentist played out like an installment of the movie "Saw". What would always puzzle me is that after using the sharp instrument to jab into your pinky gums to "measure probing depths" the hygienist would invariably pronounce you at fault by saying,

"Oh, I see gum bleeding in there. You must have a lot of plaque buildup."

"No," I think to myself sarcastically, "it's because you're jabbing my gums with a sharp instrument they're bleeding." Now I say this to myself because, 1) my mouth is stuffed with dental cotton making talking impossible; 2) the hygienist still has the sharp sticker in her hand and my momma didn't raise no fools.

If you think this attitude that the patient being always in the wrong happens only at the dentist, you'd be mistaken.

On my last visit to the optometrist, I was put through the battery of so-called eye health tests before even seeing the doctor of optometry. Having the assistant have me do the chart reading test, the "round circle of bright lights glaring into your eyes" test, the "streaming bright vertical slits of light blindingly on your retinas" test and, worse, the glaucoma "puff of dessicating air into your wide open eyes" test. Finally being ushered, stumbling and half blind into the presence of the optometrist, the first thing the doctor observes to me is,

"I see your eyes are really red and irritated. You must have a problem with them."

This time, not being vaugely menaced by a sharp instrument, I could let this health professional know why my peepers were like that and just what I thought of the diagnosis. The faint response? "Oh, there is that."

(smugly) Let's just say the rest of the exam went by with no further fault finding.

- Farmer Ted

Would I lie to you...

2009-09-28T02:03:00.004-04:00

Have you ever seen the US TV drama show "Lie to Me"? It's one of my favorites. In it a fictious team of consultants trained to detect deception in the tiniest discrepancies in the human face, body and voice solve crimes for everyone from the kid next door to the Department of Homeland Security. It's pretty ingenious really and one can't help testing yourself to see if you see what the actors are scripted to see. And of course, everyone who deos watch it thinks because of it they're an expert in detecting deception in others.

Including me.

I happened to see a news clip from Philadelphia news the other day. In it, the founder of the Community Academy Charter School, Mr Joseph Proietta, was commenting on the fact the feds had swooped down upon their offices and seized financial records. An honest-to-god Lie-to-me moment came in a bit of the interview on TV in the actions of Mr Proietta as he states, "...I'm confident [shaking his head] when everything is said and done that there is not going to be found anything [sic], any wrongdoing [nodding his head] ."

And from my extensive watching of "Lie to Me" season one? Ooooo! Somebody is in trouble...

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: What's in a name...

2009-09-24T02:18:00.002-04:00

Did you know that in Australia they rarely use your middle initial on things?

It's not that people here don't have middle names or anything.

Hm. Maybe there's just not enough people in Australia that they figure they need 'em.

Yeah. That must be it.

- Farmer Ted

I care. Well, not really...

2009-09-23T02:03:00.007-04:00

On a recent trip to the US, I happened to visit the local Kmart to try and get a few personal items to bring back with me to Australia.

Have you ever seen pictures in those news stories of the supermarkets in the then Soviet Union? You know where they show, like, two products on each shelf and long lines just to get them? Well that was what this Kmart was like. Dirty floors, poor lighting, shelves a mess with products tumbled about, missing or mislabeled items, and a checkout process that was took so long people actually gave up and left their carts where they stood in disgust.

How Kmart ever was in a position to buy Sears like it did is beyond me. But I digress.

When I got home, I was about to throw the Kmart receipt away when I noticed an entreaty at the bottom of it to go online and give them feedback of my experience. I don't know about you, but I tend to do these - both for good experiences and for bad ones - since it's the only way to make sure a store keeps doing something you like and stops doing something you don't.

So logging onto the site, I dutifully answered all the proffered questions, going into detail because especially if you rate something bad the stores wants you to explain why. After 15 minutes I got to the final exhortation to "Click to submit your survey and finish" that I dutifully, well, clicked. Only to be met with an otherwise blank page with these words written across it (in Times Roman bold, yet):

Survey Error
This survey has ended.
Results of this survey have probably been submitted.

"...have probably been submitted?" PROBABLY? WTF does that mean?
Yeah, you and I both know what it means: "I'm not listening anyway. Thanks for nothing, chump."

Well, "Once bitten," is all I have to say.

- Farmer Ted

Idiotic idioms...

2009-09-21T23:21:00.004-04:00

Can you guess the well known (and overused) phrase depicted by the rebus below?

For some reason, it always struck me as a funny turn of phrase.

- Farmer Ted

The king is dead...

2009-09-17T02:14:00.005-04:00

So the Rudd government here in Australia has finally ordered the breakup of Telstra: either split into a retail entity and an infrastructure entity, or face being barred from further access to possibly lucrative future wireless and adjacent markets.

For those of you on foreign shores, Telstra is the old AT&T/British Telecom of Australia; the telco that owns practically all the communications infrastructure in Australia due to that legacy position; from the phones in an Australian household, to the copper wires, to the switching equipment, to the transmission lines on down. And as a result, the broadband infrastructure as well as the largest wireless network. Once government owned, it was completely privatised as of 2006.

For my Australian readers, does any of this sound familiar:

Controls all long-distance lines, thus limiting competitors’ growth simply by denying them connections to the national network
Cuts rates in competitive markets keeping out other providers
Charges high local rates or provides poor local service to other telephone service providers
Implements a public-relations strategy to persuade both customers and the government that the telephone system was a “natural monopoly” – efficient, uniform, and reliable service in exchange for “rational” profits.

Do you think they're talking about Telstra? Nope, this is what they were saying about US telco giant AT&T before its historic breakup by the US Dept of Justice in 1982.And while how current Telstra shareholders do depend on how the shares are apportioned amongst the resultant companies, be ready for the old truism about "the parts being greater than the whole" to result if played correctly.

So stop whinging and relax: there's more choice and lower prices ahead, Australia.

- Farmer Ted

Two bits, four bits...

2009-08-20T02:07:00.006-04:00

I've decided to give up trying to understand the system of coins here in Australia.

In this monetary system, there are 6 coins: 5-cent, 10-cent, 20-cent, 50-cent, $1 and $2. While the dollar coins are so novel I have no problems with them, I am forever getting the cents ones wrong. With the US having 5-cent, 10-cent and 25-cent in popular use, I'm having to change my entire way of thinking about, well, change.

Sure on first thought it seems simple, but its required all of my brain power to not look stupid paying for things. The most common scenario being confidently trying yet invariably using the wrong coins to pay for things; gaping stupidly as the the clerk keeps holding out their hand expectantly for the rest. Worse, being helpful they eventually just say how much more they need, often telling me the missing coins.

There are two ways I've found to not get into this embarrassing situation:

1) Hold out a handful of money and let the clerk take the correct change. Unfortunately that makes you appear as if you're either 4 years old or don't understand english; both patently not true since you don't have your mother with you and, in fact, had spoken to the clerk in english.

2) Pay only with dollar coins. While that seems the adult way to hide your monetary comprehension challenges, to your horror you receive back yet more of those dayum coins to get rid of. DOH!

Guess you really can't teach an old dog new tricks, eh?

- Farmer Ted

Little facts I can do without #4...

2009-08-13T01:28:00.002-04:00

The London Daily Mail report on "10 Mystifying Human Habits" reports:

Scientist charged with tracking the motivation behind the habit of nose picking have concluded "there isn't any significant nutritional content in nasal mucous."

Oh.. my.. gawd.:-o

- Farmer Ted

Ashes to ashes...

2009-08-12T00:07:00.002-04:00

The Australian cricket team is locked in battle with the England team in The Ashes 2009 tournament. Now everyone here knows that I have converted into a complete cricket nut (although Pigeon says not since I like Twenty20).

As with a participant in any professional sport, cricketers also find the need to stand out from the team in their own way. To express their individuality, as it were.

But there is a difference between being different and being just plain silly.

- Farmer Ted

Chatting with penguins...

2009-08-11T01:54:00.006-04:00

I mentioned I was trying to create a Linux file server? Well I can yell, SUCCESS!

Yesterday after clicking the last check box all my home assets were able to log onto the Linux box and use it.

Butters was amazed that an old 80MB hard drive, AMD pre-core processor machine that was about to be trashed is now a Fedora 11-based 2TB file server for an increasingly storage-hungry home network.

Who can talk penguin?

- Farmer Ted (that's who!)

Most embarrassing moment (inebriated)...

2009-08-10T01:15:00.011-04:00

While at work today, I overheard people describing what they did over the weekend, with Funke relating an embarrassing story about what happened when he had a little too much to drink once and then how it felt when he sobered up and remembered what happened.

Picture it: Manhattan, NYC, January 1998. It's a cold winter night and I meet up with two friends at a Lower East Side bar.

There I'm introduced to a drink I'd never heard of before: a vodka seven. Surprised at it's smoothness, I drink one. Then another. Then another. Soon I lose track. Much later, arm-in-arm, we three go forth into the deep frosty night to see what we could get into.

It is now near noon the next day and I have the worst hangover created by the heavens. As we stumble towards a subway entrance heading to brunch, I'm squinting even against the feeble winter sun when my glance happens to fall on a panhandler next to the turnstile. You've seen Alfred Hitchcock's Veritgo, right? When Jimmy Stewart's character is climbing the tower and there's that weird pull-back while falling sensation? That's what I experience horrific disjointed memories from the night before stabbed forth.

"Guys," I asked, still staring at the panhandler while annoyed New Yorkers pushed past me towards the entrance, "when we left the bar last night, was there a homeless person outside the bar?"

"Yes," one agreed.

"Was it a woman?" I pressed, "A homeless woman asking for money?"

"Sure was," said the other.

"And tell me," I continued, feeling truly sick. "Tell me I didn't stand there on the street giving her advice on how to panhandle. Tell me I didn't wish her good luck and then give her a big bear hug. Tell me I didn't.." I finished weakly, my head helplessly jerking from left to right under the onslaught of the surfacing vodka-laden memories.

"Sorry but that's exactly what you did," the first said with evil glee. "She was really REALLY annoyed."

And with that, my misery - and my most embarrasing inebriated moment - was cast.

What's yours? I won't tell. Promise.

- Farmer Ted

Fifteen candles...

2009-08-07T01:26:00.007-04:00

Director John Hughes passed away yesterday. He was 59.

For me, Mr Hughes' films loomed large in my formative years, not the least of which is the movie Sixteen Candles from which my own blog moniker hails. Perhaps because his films entertained me (even when I knew better) and echoed my own life experiences (hey, we all carry a bit of teen angst even when an adult) that I'll always appreciate him.

So I pay homage to the man, his talent and his art.

- Farmer Ted

Not quite Ramsay Street...

2009-08-06T01:19:00.009-04:00

National Night Out was this week in the US. For those not familiar, since 1984 NNO has been at its bare essence designed for folks to get to the know their neighbors and who lives in their neighborhoods; coordinating block parties, cookouts, flashlight walk arounds, and most importantly sitting on your porch or front steps ("stoops" as we call them in Philadelphia) and just talking to your neighbors. The rationale is simple: to build a sense of community. Your Farmer had participated in previous years and it's pretty cool.

NNO now has worldwide participation. Except in Australia where it appears to be unknown.

It puzzled me as to why until I thought about the different way the denizens of US & Australia live at home. In a fundamental architectural difference here, living spaces are in the back of the house and bedrooms in the front; while that reversal in the US meaning living areas are very visible to the street. And to ensure isolation, many houses in Australia are walled completely from the street meaning there is no front stoop or porch to be seen anyway; very different than in the US.
It's like if you're not located somewhere miles away from your neighbors, people here try to make sure it feels that way.

I guess NNO never comes to Ramsay Street.

- Farmer Ted

Flora and Fauna (4)...

2009-08-04T23:45:00.006-04:00

Everyone agrees that the wildlife here in Australia is like no where else in the world. Especially joking about how many can kill ya.

Well, what do you think about spiders large enough to capture and eat birds?

~Shudder~

Anyone got a 55 gallon drum of Raid?

- Farmer Ted

Why bother...

2009-08-03T01:42:00.004-04:00

Encountered on an automated teller machine screen I used this weekend:
So you tell me, why bother with the instruction at the bottom with the screen fairly shouting "Look at me! Look at what I'm doing!"

Sheesh.

- Farmer Ted

A rose by any other name..

2009-07-31T08:25:00.006-04:00

This weekend I'm going to be performing a feat not done by the faint-hearted: I'm going to build my first file server for my home. And I'm going to do it using Linux.

I can hear some of you out there, saying "What a geek!" and "What kinda person would do that in his free time? I know..."

Interestingly, it's something I've really want to try to do. And besides, there are a lot of sweet things about being a geek. Just ask anyone.

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: Tabloid talk..

2009-07-30T00:38:00.006-04:00

Newspaper headlines in Australia leave me puzzled, at a loss to imagine what the heck they're trying to tell me.

MACCA WANTED BROWN, blares The Adelaide Advertiser. I didn't guess it was about two sports figures.

CUCUMBER TRUCK HITS BUFF NEAR JUMPING CROCS, is splashed across The Northern Territory News front page. If you're like me, you know each of those words but put them together and it's like no phrase in english you've ever seen.

And maybe that's my trouble: perhaps it's not english but a sort of tabloid pidgin-australian, as it were. But papers in the US are not any better I guess:

VACS WACKS: CONCERNS OVER CC, screams The NY Post.

Uh,I say "The fat man has landed, the eagle walks alone."
So THERE!

- Farmer Ted

Little facts I can do without #3..

2009-07-29T04:51:00.004-04:00

Seen on the side of a panel truck yesterday:

Delivering Excellence in Swine Reproduction

Does anyone else feel like washing their hands right about now?

- Farmer Ted

Shredded tweet..

2009-07-28T04:59:00.004-04:00

The Colonel and I were talking today about Twitter.

As I've written before, social networking leaves me cold - as in with fear. I just don't like my business all out there for anyone to read. Like the poor guy who Twittered saying he was away from home and returned to find his house had been burgled. And call me apathetic, call me self-absorbed; but I honestly don't care about what other people are doing every minute of their day.

What is true is that most of our daily lives is singularly uninteresting to anyone except ourselves. I did surf onto someone blog that had their Twitter feed. After riveting posts like, "Just went to kitchen. Still nothing in frig." and, "I hate getting up for a wrong number on the phone." I was more perplexed than ever.

So why is Twitter such a hot thing right now?

I think because people are afraid they'll miss something. It's human nature. Take for an illustration the man who put a mini camera on his cat's collar certain that after he left the house each day the feline lived some sort of wild and crazy cat life. After getting home and checking the images he realized something profound:

All the cat did was sleep. It did nothing exciting at all.

So he had done that effort.. and waiting.. for nothing.

Twitterers take note.

- Farmer Ted

Life invisible no more...

2009-07-27T01:37:00.006-04:00

Someone whom I consider a watershed writer has passed.

E. Lynn Harris died this past Thursday of undisclosed causes. He was 54.

I refer to Mr Harris the way I do not just because he was one of the first African-American authors I'd read intentionally for the experience. And notwithstanding the fact he was gay, but at the time I was reading his first book, Invisible Life, the nascent African-American mass market for books was getting started. Through a book club I belonged to, I discovered many other books by black authors: some excellent and some not so. And his first novel was like The Stonewall of the upsurge ushering it all in.

And so I say, simply, "Thanks, Mr Harris."

- Farmer Ted

Merry Xmas 2...

2009-07-24T01:30:00.003-04:00

No, you're not reading wrong. It's just that tomorrow I'm celebrating my second annual Christmas in July celebration at the house with friends. As I mentioned last year at this time, now that it's cold with short days so that you want to snuggle up inside the house to a warm fire really seems like it should be the time for Christmas. And not when it's 90F and you're having a Xmas bbq like it is at calendar Christmas here in Australia.

Butters and I put together a menu to make any Christmas celebration proud: turkey with lemon stuffing, cranberry apple chutney, roast vegetables, candied yams and sourdough rolls; matched all up with cocktails and wines, including sparkling shiraz that Aussies insist you must have with turkey and you have a feast.

Yeah, I think this country does a disservice to itself by not having a bit of light and warmth during the coldest part of the year. Makes me appreciate home even more, I reckon.

- Farmer Ted

A milestone of sorts...

2009-07-23T04:47:00.008-04:00

Welcome to my 201st blog entry. That's right! If you had a cake and lit a candle for every one of them the cake would be inedibly covered with wax by the time you lit the last one.

So with this, I thought I might answer a few questions posed over the course of the two hundred posts, submitted by readers like you (or by me pretending to be you):

Farmer Ted - Where did you get the name "Farmer Ted" and why did you choose it? - Curious in Catalina
Dear Catty, Farmer Ted was the character played by Anthony Michael Hall in that coming-of-age classic "Sixteen Candles". As I liked the way he grew up and got a bit wiser over the course of the film, I thought the same might happen for me writing this blog. Rather, I've just grown older and a bit more sharp tongued. Luckily, I still have a crush on Molly Ringwald.

Farmer Ted - What is that view from your front porch, anyway? - (no name)
Dear Lazy Signer, this is a view from the porch at Paxton Winery in McLaren Vale, South Australia. While it may look quite bucolic, it is hella hot and dry for most of the year. I took the picture in the "About me.." during the summer, meaning the view from the porch is really through the window near the porch while I stand in the air conditioning inside. So sue me.

Guess that's it for now. Keep reading and thanks for the encouragement!

- Farmer Ted

Missed it by THAT much..

2009-07-22T00:18:00.004-04:00

So as luck with have it, the most complete solar eclipse of this century is occuring at this moment over the eastern hemisphere.

As you will observe, the only way to see even the tiniest bit here in Australia is if I travel to the very tip-top of Queensland and stand on my tip toes.

Figures.

- Farmer Ted

To the moon, Alice...

2009-07-21T01:15:00.004-04:00

July 20, 1969. So where were you on the day of the first manned spacecraft landing on the moon?

Given it was summertime and a Sunday night so I'm sure I was at home from elementary school. My parents were in the room and not at work so that fits.

I remember thinking while looking at the contrasty image on the TV screen, "Cool! Not sure why everyone's so excited. But cool!"

Sure people are complaining about the national mandate to go back to the moon, but hey, I think it will still be pretty cool.

Again.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Why Halle Berry cried...

2009-07-20T01:32:00.004-04:00

I remember when Halle Berry won the Best Actress Academy Award at the 2002 Oscars. It was a noteworthy event given the fact that no African-American woman had won it in the history of the awards. Her acceptance speech was heartfelt, simple and moving. During which she cried; and rightly so, I thought. My UK friends were pretty derisive about her reaction, saying how over the top it was.

Being American, I found it very hard to explain to them centuries of US cultural memory that came together at that moment. How can you? How can anyone? And so I didn't even try, but ever since then I've been sending them news snippets of evidence of racial injustice in the US graphically illustrating that the memory is sadly a harsh reality; entitling each email, "Why Halle Berry cried".

In Philadelphia PA, where your farmer hailed from, a recent event involving children at a private swimming pool has shown there is still far to go in America.

And so the tears roll on.

- Farmer Ted

Cha-ching...

2009-07-17T00:12:00.002-04:00

Like something out of a made-for-TV movie, 19-yo UK resident and student Jamie Neal went out on a few hours walkabout in the Blue Mountains of NSW (Australia) and wound up lost. He had left his belongings, including his mobile phone, behind at the place he was staying. Some 12 days later he was discovered, just a bit the worse for wear, having survived by eating plants and berries to headlines all over the world.

While glad he was discovered safely, the thing that galls everyone I speak to here is that his "tale of survival" is expected to fetch him up to one million dollars on the talk show, tabloid, and lecture circuit.

$1M. Hmph. Not bad for just being a dumb-ass.

- Farmer Ted

As the Gavel Turns...

2009-07-16T00:49:00.003-04:00

Because of my time zone, it's difficult to watch the live hearings on the nomination of Judge Sonya Sotomayor to the US Supreme Court. However replays are pretty easy to come by. What's really striking is how annoyed I got by the senators on the panel from the first moments of the bluster and puffery of their opening statements. During these - were it a courtroom - I'm sure Judge Sotomayor would have surely banged her gavel and asked archly, "Excuse me, Senator, but is there a question in there somewhere?" In fact on one day Sotomayor was only able to speak for about 8 mins in over 3 hours of Senatorial grandstanding. So we endure our elected officials doing nothing but wanting to make themselves heard on some point important only to them or worse, their party backers.

Said Sen. Jeff Session (R-AL) in a discourse about letting personal feelings influence a judges decision,"In truth, it's more akin to politics, and politics has no place in the courtroom."

If only that were true in the hearing chamber, Mr Senator.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Less dagger, please...

2009-07-15T01:03:00.002-04:00

The US Central Intelligence Agency is one beleaguered agency under investigation on multiple fronts. Including the latest coming slowly and sordidly to light: acting, it's now appearing, as some sort of secret hit squad with the involvement of then Vice President Dick Cheney. Giving a new meaning to word dagger in the phrase, "cloak and dagger."

To me the CIA, like any government agency, is primarily made of good hard-working men and women just doing the right thing. And yet it seems, from here on the porch, that a few of the decision makers are allowing the agency to be used in ways that don't stand the paper test. Decisions that instead reflect poorly on everyone in the agency; ultimately hampering any one of them from doing their jobs effectively.

I can't help but wonder why. Why allow themselves to be used like this?

I guess it all boils down to what my grandmomma said, "You can't expect people to respect you until you respect yourself."

- Farmer Ted

Those crystal moments...

2009-07-14T02:38:00.003-04:00

I think everyone has those special moments where for just that second the world contracts into a crystal clear instant in time. I'm not talking about the "Where were you when..." moments, but a moment in time that couldn't get more perfect, more happy or more special.

Me? I try to remember my top 3. I was reminded of one of them when The Colonel was talking about a holiday including a trip to Paris that he and the Mrs just returned from. While in Paris, he told me about sitting at a cafe and who they met and how it turned into an incredibly fun day with new un-looked for friends.

Likewise there was a summer when I lived in Paris. A friend I hadn't seen in forever came over from London and with another friend from America and with hours before returning to our respective countries we decided to spend all day just going from cafe to cafe. Starting at breakfast, we went from one to another as the whim took us, sitting for hours talking about anything and everything, laughing and companionable. Our drinking went from cafe cremes, to menthe a l'eau, to beers then to wine as the day progressed into night. The moment came as evening was falling and we were in a little cafe on a square off Rue du Pot de Fer. The setting summer sun was striking the buildings across the square as kids were playing in the fountain. As we sat and I looked around the square to the lights coming on in the filling cafes and then at my chatting friends I suddenly realized here was a moment that had waited an eternity to come and would never come again. I felt warm and content, special and privileged to be there that second at that place. And so I remember.

So when are your moments in time?

- Farmer Ted

Little facts I can do without #2...

2009-07-13T01:52:00.003-04:00

From a calendar:

In the 17th century Tsar Michael of Russia hated smoking so much he decreed beating for the first offense, a slit nose for the second and death for the third.

Gee. And people I know complain about having to step outside.

- Farmer Ted

Swimming upstream...

2009-07-10T05:45:00.002-04:00

Did you know that people tend to walk on the same side of passageways and sidewalks as they drive?

While I don't know if there's a study that verifies this, I can tell you from painful experience that it's true.

Being here in Australia where people drive on the left, they definitely tend to walk on that side too.

And me, being from the US tends to walk on the right. Meaning - you guessed it - when walking I often find myself going against the flow.

Like a salmon swimming upstream.

- Farmer Ted

So what's in a name...

2009-07-09T01:15:00.003-04:00

Remember when the names of stadiums and arenas were civic minded such that they actually meant something?

Pictured above is an aerial view of the stadium area in South Philadelphia circa 1971. From left to right they are John F Kennedy Stadium, The Spectrum, and Veterans Stadium. In these venues football, basketball & hockey, and baseball, respectively were played. Good sensible respectable building names that made sense (even "The Spectrum" as it was meant to be used by an array of arena sports).

Now JFK and Vet Stadium are long gone, having been replaced by newer structures. And the names? Hmph. All sold to the highest bidder: Lincoln Financial Field, Wachovia Center, and Citizens Bank Park. That does cause problems, of course, given the propensity of businesses to fail or merge. The plain Spectrum, has been called The CoreStates Spectrum and the First Union Spectrum until now being the Wachovia Spectrum as each of the institutions was successively swallowed by another. And with Wachovia's failure it's now part of Wells Fargo.

The Wells Fargo Spectrum.
Now that just rolls off the tongue, don't it?

- Farmer Ted

Take two & call me in the morning...

2009-07-08T00:41:00.010-04:00

Norton Anti-Virus has to be about the worst anti-virus program out there. And I say that not because it doesn't do its primary job, which is to protect your PC from malware; just in the way it goes about it.

Not content to protect your PC against viruses and other malware, it also takes over your recycle bin (in case you want to undelete something), your network access (in case something tries to connect that shouldn't), and your operating system (in case something tries to install that shouldn't). Not taking into account these are things that happen normally all the time, in the name of protecting you this software presents you with warning box after warning box of things you can't do anything about or are unsure that you want to do anything about.

And by dire warnings from other product that do similar things, a user is duped into installing even more software. Take my poor cousin Red, for example: between the protection offered by Windows and layered products of Norton, AOL, and virus scan package by her ISP her entire PC is now in a paroxysm of conflicting indecision. Practically schizophrenic with all these things in its poor computer brain trying to protect it, it displays lots of confusing warnings but accomplishes nothing.

My solution to the whole mess? I bought a Mac.

- Farmer Ted

Little facts I can do without #1...

2009-07-07T01:09:00.001-04:00

From the lid on a juice drink:

No. 100
Your mouth produces about 1.5 litres of saliva each day.

Yuk.

- Farmer Ted

Bu-bye...

2009-07-06T00:40:00.007-04:00

I read in a book recently that in America, "social class is probably the single most important variable in society." Yet the idea that the US is classless is one we hold dear.

While this notion is - of course - patently false, nowhere is the idea of social class more enforced than by airline frequent flier programs. In these programs you accrue loyalty miles for flying with a particular airline or airlines. The more miles you get the higher your level and so your status. Status levels with names like, "bronze", "sliver", "gold", and "platinum"; or worse yet, "member" up to "elite". And with each level come perks such as priority boarding, special check-in lines, better seating, and club lounges to go to instead of waiting at the gates.

And I've even enjoyed it, I'm embarrassed to say. Like at an airport once where there was a special security lane for frequent fliers allowing you to skip directly to the barrier. As I walked past the 50 or so people in line I heard someone grumble about me not getting in line, only to have their companion whisper, "Oh! He must be one of those elite fliers!" People turned and stared.

But the let me tell you, the old saying, "...the harder they fall" certainly applies too. As I found out when, not realizing my level had been dropped in a period of inactivity, I nonetheless showed up at the airline club lounge following a particularly horrific flight. After a quick check of my name in the golden book the gatekeeper at the club desk purred with malicious glee, "Ooo. So sorry Mr Ted, but your membership no longer includes access to the lounge. Uh, bu-bye." And looking past me brightly said, "Next in line, please."

I could have sworn I heard her mumble something like "let them eat cake." But with the whoosh of the exit door closing behind me, maybe I misheard. Oh well, "Easy come.."

- Farmer Ted

That's a lotta candles...

2009-07-04T01:19:00.002-04:00

To all my countrymen, a safe and Happy 4th of July holiday!

- Farmer Ted

Being musically serendipitous...

2009-07-03T01:00:00.007-04:00

Have you ever discovered music only to suddenly hear it in the most unexpected places? Well here are three items that are on my iPod playlist that I'm listening to right now:

"Where the Wild Roses Grow", Nick Cave & Kylie Minogue - Dark and eerie with a cool video, Butters first introduced me to this song. Since then I've heard it on various YouTube videos playing in the background and on TV. I never would have even noticed this before.

"Salala", Angelique Kidjo & Peter Gabriel - I had the privilege of seeing Ms Kidjo in concert here. I'd never heard of her before and received the tickets as a gift. She is stunning on stage and can truthfully say I have never enjoyed a concert more in my life. Since then I have heard her music in the most unlikely places including a bookstore in the San Francisco airport and playing on outdoor speakers at a shopping mall in Australia. I'm glad I appreciate who she is now.

"Chase That Feeling", Hilltop Hoods - It is a rare Hip-Hop song indeed that makes me want to hear more, but this song is the #1 played on my iPod and on constant repeat. I first saw the video for it on RAGE and then received the CD as a gift. Hilltop Hoods are a trio from, of all places, Adelaide SA from an area I'm very familiar with (for reasons I won't go into here :-). They have swept the charts in Australia and my only regret is that the US seems blissfully unaware of them at the moment. But I think once this track hits the US - and lemme tell ya they do everything right on it - it will be huge.

Interestingly, these artists are either Australian or I first heard of them here in Australia. Hm. Is there a pod under my bed?

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: It's next to godliness...

2009-07-02T00:20:00.001-04:00

This Australian behavior caused my mouth to drop open.

I remember the first time a few years ago when I was here on a business trip and went into a Maccas (that's McDonald's to you and me) for a quick bite. Sitting down in the minuscule dining area, I observed a couple who had finished their meal blithely get up leaving the trash from their meal behind without a backward glance. I was shocked to the core. "Oo! My momma would give them such a pinch," I thought! Only to see yet another group do it, followed minutes later by some bottom-of-the-rung McD's employee busing the tables.

Since then I have seen it countless times; including people at food courts eat amongst other people's leavings rather than clear the table. Even today a group of kids in an outdoor eating area of a fast-food restaurant got up and left their trash on a table mere feet from a receptacle, only to have it join the other discarded meal packages blowing around the parking lot like brightly colored confetti.

And remember that McDonald's I was talking about? It got so bad one night it garnered worldwide attention when someone posted cell phone footage of the mess on YouTube.

The Singaporean newspaper, The Straits Times, recounted an on-line blog entry, "I, for one, will not clear my trays at a foodcourt, not because I lack social graces, but because most foodcourts are not designed for customers to do that. What's next? Asking diners to clear up after themselves at a restaurant?"

Maybe it's just me.

- Farmer Ted

It's the simple things...

2009-07-01T01:39:00.003-04:00

Would you believe I've been here for two years now? The chair has practically worn a groove in the porch meaning it's pretty comfortable. While globalization and the fact we all come from comparable societies has meant I'm able to find what I need, there are still a few simple things I'm missing about back in the US.

Like a bagel slicer. While in every store in the US bagel slicers are, in fact, unknown here. Yes, I said "unknown". Not the least reason because people don't really eat bagels widely here. Like when I went to an upscale cooking implement store to find one:

Me: (to clerk) Excuse me, but do you sell bagel slicers here?
Clerk: (slowly) A bagel slicer... (turning to another clerk behind her) Say, do we have bagel slicers?
Clerk #2: What's a bagel slicer?
Me: Well, it looks sorta like a guillotine. You push the handle down and it slices the bagel in half with no fuss.
Clerk #2: Nooo. We have nothing like that. But wow! What a great idea!
Clerk #1: But I don't eat bagels anyway. Do you?
Clerk #2: No.
Me: (sigh)
So, armed only with a bread knife and determination I've shed blood several times accomplishing this simple task.

But help may be on the way in the form of Butter's trip to the US; Customs willing, of course. But if they raise any questions, all it would take is sharing a perfectly sliced and toasted everything bagel with a schmear and it's in!

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Misplaced paens...

2009-06-30T00:21:00.008-04:00

So Michael Jackson died last week and the world seems to be either expressing keens of grief or wallowing in the ghoulish commercialism of it all. While I am sorry he died, I just viewed him as an entertainer. Period. One that hadn't put out any new material in years; something that makes me wonder why people are rushing to buy music they already had. And I do feel for the family of Farrah Fawcett: the actress passed away after a brave battle with cancer at the same time as Michael Jackson and got buried (pardon the pun) in the hype surrounding his demise.

But someone else passed away a few days later who's passing at the same untimely age of 50 as Jackson and from the same cause has gone virtually unnoticed. I'm talking about, who else, Billy Mays. You know him: he was the guy who was always on TV with the bushy beard and the booming voice enticing you to buy household cleaning products like OrangeGlo and OxiClean. His genuineness and excitement just seemed to, well, shine (pardon the pun). And to me, he's much more deserving of tribute than Mr Jackson. Why? Let's take a look at a few facts:

Decorum:
MAYS: Wife reads, "Although Billy lived a public life, we don't anticipate making any public statements over the next couple of days. Our family asks that you respect our privacy during these difficult times."
JACKSON: With Rev Jesse Jackson as spokesman, family publicly disputes autopsy and hires a private forensic examiner. Janet Jackson & Jamie Foxx later ham it up on the BET Entertainer Awards.

Generosity:
MAYS: Visitors to his house typically got bottles of cleaner and housekeeping tips.
JACKSON: Visitors not typically welcome unless they had small children and gullible parents.

Legacy:
MAYS: "He'll live on forever because he always had the biggest heart in the world." (Former wife, Dee-Dee Mays)
JACKSON: "He'll live forever because he was, by the end, pretty much all plastic and wax." (Former plastic surgeon)

So pick carefully who you put on a pedestal, my friends.

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: Optimism...

2009-06-29T22:56:00.003-04:00

When it comes to the weather, Australians have to be the most optimistic nation in the world. Why? Despite over 10 years of weather with far below average rainfall in all areas, rather than admit to climate change they put on their rose-colored sunnies and call it a "slight drought." And I'm not talking global warming climate change but analysis by climatologists that show that Australia was merely in one of its wet periods when it was settled.

So when after 2 years of the Todd River being completely dried up, it began running again following 2-inches of rain in what we in the US would've just regarded as a flash flood, the event was instead hailed in the community as hope the drought is over. It's not of course and the river dried back up within hours. "No worries!" they exclaim, "It'll be back to normal soon!"

What then fuels this optimism? I would say maybe it was something in the water but, well, ya know...

- Farmer Ted

Inside the Coriolis effect...

2009-02-02T23:17:00.003-05:00

We're in the middle of a heatwave here in my part of Australia. I'm talking day after day of +105F temperature with blazing sun. A sun that is actually killing trees it's so strong and the temperature so hot. At night, we're lucky if it gets down to 90F.

As you might expect, the culprit of this is a high-pressure system. Rather like the harbinger of US summer heat waves when it hangs over Bermuda, this one is over the Tasman Sea between Australia and New Zealand. The big difference is because of the Coriolis effect, which means weather systems spin in opposite directions in the northern and southern hemispheres.

Being born and raised in the US, I tend to forget this little fact and so am constantly suprised by weather map here as I invariable apply my northen hemisphere logic and so get it all wrong. Little things that keep tripping me up such as:

Cold air comes from the south;
Hot weather comes from the north;
Summer sun is in the northern sky;
Moss doesn't grow on any side of a tree.

Even Heat Miser would be having a nervous breakdown.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Wisdom through the ages...

2009-01-20T00:24:00.003-05:00

On the day of celebrating the legacy of the Rev Dr. Martin Luther King,
On the eve of the inauguration of the first African-American as President of the United States of America,
And on the hopes of change by a country tired by war and economic troubles;
Come words of timeless wisdom by Dr King almost it seems directly to President-elect Barack Obama:

"A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Now go lead, Mr President.

- Farmer Ted

Into the new year...

2009-01-15T00:32:00.002-05:00

Well here it is 2009 and I'm winding up my two years here in Australia.

This year, I spent Christmas back in the US but saw the new year turn here in Australia. An interesting experience not just because of the time difference (a full 16 hours ahead of the east coast of the US) but also because it's summertime here in the southern hemisphere. Meaning New Year's Eve celebrations are typically held either outdoors having a late barbecue or on a beach. Or better yet outdoor watching fireworks without a scarf, gloves and mittens but in shorts and sandals.

I guess there are worse ways to do it, huh?

But this allowed me to puzzle out why some things are missing around the holiday here that we take for granted in the northern climes.

Like holiday movies. It was interesting to discover the low number of Australians who've seen the holiday movies that we hold dear in the US. And I'm not talking about modern classics like "Scrooged" starring Bill Murray, but even "A Miracle on 34th Street" starring Maureen O'Hara and a young Natalie Wood. That is, until I realized that unlike the US where it's cold so we're indoors doing things like being curled up watching a movie while it's cold outside, here they're at the beach boogie boarding and throwing lamb kabobs on the barbie.

To each his own, I say.

Happy 2009!

- Farmer Ted

Men are from Mars...

2008-12-10T23:57:00.006-05:00

While flipping through television channels the other day, Butters observed mildly that the sports talk program the tuner rested on momentarily sure was gossipy. I couldn't agree more.

In fact, it led me to look at just how a sports talk program like ESPN SportsCenter is little different than The View as both sit around discussing topics of interest to them with little regard for what's really happening in the world outside. "Yet for all that," I can hear you say, "one is talking sports and the other fluff so they aren't really the same." Well, observe the chart below:

Maybe men and women are from the same planet after all.

- Farmer Ted

The VIII-th Commandment...

2008-12-09T00:34:00.007-05:00

Thou shalt not steal.

Seems simple: when it comes to other peoples property, keep your hands to yourself. Oddly, from what I've seen, this rule seems to be more like keep your hands to yourself unless it's something you want.

At the office, I always kept something sitting on my desk: an EASY button. We Americans all know those as they're offered by Staples office supplies in the US; a store and ad campaign unknown in Australia. Pressing the bright red button with easy spelled out in bold white letters rewarded you with a cheerful voice blurting "That was easy!" Needless to say, the easy button was very popular around the office where - because it's an open plan office - folks I knew, and didn't know, would just walk by and press it, laughing and shaking their heads.

So you can imagine my surprise when I came in one day to find it gone. Stolen. Not only stolen but taken out of the building completely since it's the only one of its kind here. It's also a bit obvious as it can't seem to shut up when handled. My annoyance at the whole thing was only eclipsed by my sadness at someone doing it in the first place.

I mentioned it to a friend of mine, an re-pat ex-pat in another city here in Australia. He has a young school-age daughter who was born in the US and is learning to live here now. He related to me how his daughter came to him one day and in all seriousness asked, "Daddy? Why do kids here steal so much?" Surprised, he asked what she meant. "Well," she said,"when we go outside we have to wear hats and kids take anyone's so they can go out." Pronouncing, "That's not right to take something that belongs to someone else."

Out of the mouths of babes...

- Farmer Ted

You just put your lips together and blow...

2008-12-08T00:37:00.006-05:00

I was motioned over by the state police for a breathalyzer test this past weekend while entering a town where a rock festival was being held. Now, I have never been pulled over for anything in Australia before, so as I carefully pulled my car onto the soft shoulder and slowly towards the waiting officer I wasn't sure what to expect.

Winding down my window, he stepped up to my car door holding a small black box-like affair sporting a white tube.

"Police breathalyzer test. Do you consent to being tested?" he summarily asked not realizing how I relished this unique experience.

"Of course," I said eagerly.

After pressing a few buttons, causing an angry *beep* to come from the box with each press, he held it so the tube was to my lips.

"Just blow in the end of the breathalyzer tube, thank you" he said.

"Phht!" I blew a quick breath.

I was rewarded with an annoyed *beep* sound from the machine. "Uh, harder," he advised.

"PHHT!"

**BEEP**

"Again, but longer this time," obviously wondering how tough this was going to be.

"PHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT!" I phht'd, I swear turning blue in the face.

I knew I was successful this time because the breathalyzer unit responded with a rather smug beep. A quick look at the unit by the officer and I was waved on my way with a curt "Thanks!"

Oh well, at least I'll remember my first time fondly.

- Farmer Ted

Turkey, bar...

2008-11-27T22:18:00.002-05:00

Well here I am "celebrating" the US holiday of Thanksgiving in Australia again. And again it's a non-Thanksgiving for me. An anti-turkey day. A turkey-bar, to misuse a math phrase for the negative.

You would never even know it except for an occasional mention of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in the news and guys coming in saying that sports on FoxTel, the Comcast of Australia, is showing back-to-back football on an off day.

Yeah, the financial world may get pneumonia when the US sneezes. But when it comes to holidays and such? Eh. Not so much.

- Farmer Ted

Email "friends"...

2008-11-25T23:57:00.004-05:00

"I have no idea why I get messages from this guy telling he's going to be out of the office", a co-worker, Mobby, complained. "I mean, I have never sent this guy a message and he never sends me anything - except when he's going to be out of the office!"

Yes, we've all had something like this happen to us before. I tend to get them when people change e-mail addresses; then up pops an e-mail from someone who you last heard from when you still had all your hair exhorting you to "make sure you update your contact list with my new information!"

I don't know how to respond politely telling them they were never IN my contact list.

Wonder why people do this? Is it just to make it seem to the rest of the people on the distribution list that they are popular? That all these people you're seeing in the "To:" field care about their whereabouts or how to stay in contact with them?

Guess it's sorta like an e-mail version of the "Friends" feature on MySpace.

For all you out there that like to do this? Be a maverick: put your distribution in the BCC so no one would know about the others.

Now that would really show your mettle.

- Farmer Ted

Grandma's hands...

2008-11-23T21:31:00.004-05:00

This Saturday marked the 45th anniversary of the assassination of President John F Kennedy in Dallas, Texas. While that day was one of those so-called defining moments where people say they remember what they were doing, I was far FAR too young then.

What I do remember vividly is visiting my grandmother's house in the southern US as a child. Her living room was unremarkable as far most of that era, with one wall given over to photos and images she found important. I remember there were pictures of her many children, my aunties and uncles - most in military uniforms - smiling out at me through younger eyes; she and her by-then deceased husband in their best, if old-fashioned, clothes. But there were three pictures placed above them all: a photo of John F Kennedy, one of Martin Luther King Jr, and an image of Jesus.

Yes, I may have been too young, but I do remember.

- Farmer Ted

Taking Solace...

2008-11-21T00:28:00.007-05:00

A mate, Sam, and I went to see Quantum of Solace, the latest offering in the James Bond movies. Now I love James Bond movies and Daniel Craig in James Bond movies, however I must admit to being a bit disappointed. Not because it wasn't a great ride - it WAS a James Bond movie after all - but when director Marc Forster said he wanted to have an art house feel, I think he achieved that only if the art house was located in an earthquake zone. There was so much of that trendy shaky camera shots that in some sequences I kept wondering, "I'm still in my seat, right?" And sure it had twice as much action, but that's because there were 2 chase scenes and 2 heart-to-heart holdings by our hero. Let me put it this way, at one point Bond returns to the hotel and is handed a message on a piece of paper with one word on it, "RUN!" Let's hope that's what Barbara Broccoli does if the writing team that penned this movie heads her way again.

And while we're on the topic, Australia had it's premiere this week in Sydney and other selected venues to much fanfare as the great celluloid hope of the Australian film industry. Starring Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman, this film has garnered such a loud jingoistic chorus by the critics you'd think it was "Waltzing Matilda" after the 10th shout at the corner pub. The thought of the movie by your average Aussie I've spoken too? Eh, not so much. The one good thing about it is that it's spawned a whole new Australian Tourism campaign "Come Walkabout", shepherded by doe-eyed aboriginal youngster Brandon Walter who played "Nullah" in the movie. Gone forever is the painful "So where the bloody hell are ya!" bleated by the vapid Lara Bingle. Gone is the screech of Bindy Irwin. Now the ads are sleek, cool, and stress how Australia is the antidote for the soul. All it needs is young Brandon to whisper, "Zoom! Zoom!" to be complete.

- Farmer Ted

Just being social...

2008-11-19T23:09:00.004-05:00

Your Farmer Ted sucks at social networking on the internet. To me, it's one of those "big things" that will go the way of others like Internet Relay Chat (anyone remember using IRC?). But not only has it been identified as one of the top 10 IT disruptive technologies but it seems like everyone I know says incredulously "YOU don't have a Facebook page?" with that look on their faces as if they smelled a faintly unsavory odor.

Well godammit I don't have any of 'em. Never will. Your Farmer is very leery about flapping his bonafides in the internet breeze for all to see. And that definitely goes for LinkedIn and the same for My Space.

I was speaking to a female acquaintance the other day about my reticence prompting her to comment, "Don't worry about it, go on and join one!" Sensing my confusion, she continued, "That way, when your old classmates link as friends you can have a look to see how bad they look as they've grow older." Finishing with,"Then, you can have a good laugh and just cut them off," and snapped her fingers.

Guess I've been looking at this thing all wrong.

- Farmer Ted

Man in crowd #3...

2008-11-18T22:38:00.004-05:00

Ya know, there is something that's always interested me about photographs. As a matter of fact, when it comes to artistic mediums it's probably my favorite. I especially like historical photography. While strictly speaking all photography by it's very nature is historic; but I mean professional slice of life pictures. What fascinates me is looking at the people subjects in these photographs - not the main point of the photo but rather the nameless people that are as integral a part of the shot as the main subject would be.

Look at this 1957 photograph by photographer Jim Shaughnessy showing a Pennsylvania Railroad freight train and operator handing up train orders in Leolyn, Pennsylvania.

When I look at it I think "Who was that guy standing there in the snow handing up the messages to the engineer of that train? What was his name? He looks happy. What was his life like? Was he married? Did he have kids? What made him laugh? What were his dreams?"

I guess I can't answer that anymore than people reading this blog can realistically say about me. Perhaps, when it comes to the playing out of our lives, we're all just trying to not end up being remembered as Man in Crowd #3.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Parity by Christmas...

2008-11-17T21:04:00.005-05:00

Lately I've had to ask myself, what good are all these so-called "economic experts" so often quoted and providing sound bites?

For example, both last fall and again this summer during the time the US dollar was weak, economists in Australia were predicting Aussie dollar parity with the US dollar by Christmas. Not only has that not happened, but with the credit meltdown and softness in the commodity markets, it's sunk to levels not seen in years.

While in the US it's easy (and correct) to lay much at the feet of the ex-Fed Chairman, when you get right down to it, the whole subject of economic forecasting just seems to be akin to be a he-said/she-said/he-said of guessing. Especially since economies around the world are now globally tied together inextricably with so many variables in play no one can really tell anything.

As result, you'll always have one set of so-called experts that will predict things go up, another that says it stays the same, and another that it goes down. Of course, one of the three will be right each time; trumpeting their sageness over the others, conveniently forgetting that on the next issue (and likely the previous one) they're the ones grumbling at the fallacy of their bogus prognostications.

My view from the porch these days? I just look at the effects where I live and hold on tight.

- Farmer Ted

Our aim is true...

2008-11-13T23:01:00.005-05:00

I see that catchphrase posted on the restroom walls everyday here at work.

It's the Desert Eco System purporting to eliminate (pardon the pun) the use of water in urinals: the much touted waterless system. How it works is rather than flushing, use a blue microbial-packed cube in each unit and turn off the water. Easy-peesy! Water saved! Odors eliminated!

Well, something must be going wrong somewhere cause every place I've been to where it's used I have been left with a far less relieving experience. Despite the glowing testimonials spouted by the manufacturer, restroom with the system invariably smell like the ones I remember at Veterans Stadium after they've been visited by a few thousand male fans during the course of a hot summer baseball game.

I'll leave you with that mind picture for a while.

So despite all the splashy testimonials posted on its website and catchy slogans sprayed on restroom walls all over Australia, I'm not a believer. Personally? I think it's because we're guys and guys are used to a lot that no one is complaining at these patently yellow journalism tactics to keep us quiescent.

Hopefully this whole thing will pass and we're not just circling the drain until a better product comes along.

Pardon the puns.

- Farmer Ted

Ted's Sniglets: Sqwaat

2008-11-11T02:46:00.002-05:00

Sqwaat [skwaet] (noun) - The amount of product that splats out of a bottle when you squeeze vigorously after having left it upside down for a while to get that last bit out.

I need to get more lotion because I had only a sqwaat left.

- Farmer Ted

Don't rush me...

2008-11-09T23:02:00.003-05:00

I'm such great a credit risk these days. Recently I've begun getting inundated by mortgage and credit card companies asking why haven't I considered getting a credit card or financing a mortgage with them? Especially since I'm a preferred customer.

Eh, how's that again?

Oh, I get it. Now I see why all the red roses. Just because I pay my bills on time that makes me - even me - preferred.

I don't know whether to be insulted or sad.

- Farmer Ted

Why do clocks run clockwise...

2008-11-06T16:23:00.007-05:00

My friend Pigeon decided he would get a group of friends and trek the Kokoda Trail. The Kokoda Trail, to those who have no idea about it like I was, is actually a track in Papua New Guinea (PNG) traversed by Australian soldiers to dislodge a Japanese fighting force during WW II.

As you might imagine, the reason it's been memorialized is because it was hot, humid, wet, under miserable conditions, and very rugged terrain over a set of mountains and losing many diggers (as Australian soldiers are called for some rather vague reason) along the way.

And you can book a professional to guide you and any group over the same track.

So what does a modern-day trek of the Kokoda Trail have to do with clocks? Well, like caring why clocks run the direction they do, I find the thought of doing something like the Kokoda Trail sparks mild curiosity, but not anything you'd really care to take any further than that.

Have fun, Pigeon (whenever you get my message at a base station with an operational whip antenna...WTF)!

- Farmer Ted

The 2nd happiest man in the world...

2008-11-05T18:38:00.001-05:00

...after last night, I reckon, would have to be Levi Johnston. You remember him: The 18-yo ice-hockey-playing fiance' of Bristol Palin, the (now) 18-yo daughter of ex-veep candidate Sarah Palin, and father of Bristol's unborn child.

So why should Levi be happy? Well, just think about it.

Had the Republican candidates won the White House his life would be a living nightmare. To be married under the baleful stare of a moose-hunting Sarah; watched like a hawk by the media waiting for him to mess up; the Republican Party daring him to mess up; and the Palin clan tapping their freshly cleaned hunting rifles hoping he'd mess up I don't think ANY new husband, let alone one getting married to his very pregnant high-school classmate after professing to all the world "I don't want kids." on his My Space page, could possibly cope.

Yep, I'll bet ol'Levi is breathing just a little bit easier today.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: A change is gonna come...

2008-11-04T17:02:00.004-05:00

There is a haunting song by the late Sam Cooke called "A Change is Gonna Come". In the lyrics, Sam Cooke laments on the state of race relations, the difficulties of life in America as a black man, and the burdens life throws at you. That threaten to take your spirit. And after each verse comes the line heralding hope:

It's been a long time coming, but I know
A change is gonna come, oh yes it will.

I think of that song each time I see Barack Obama. Can this event be what Sam Cooke was singing about? Are we closer to answering the earnest call of that song?

But ya know, everytime I see Senator Obama and read his slogan with the word CHANGE in huge letters? How can I think anything else.

- Farmer Ted

"Bye Bye Birdie"...

2008-11-03T21:31:00.007-05:00

Your Farmer Ted LOVES Bollywood movies. To me they are corny, predictable, cliched, over-the-top, gaudy and probably the greatest entertainment you can experience. Bollywood have their own stars, starlets, and major studios. And with an audience of 1.1 BILLION that's a heck of fan base.

But when it comes to the movies, most importantly the dance numbers keep me riveted and my feet just'a tapping on the ol'porch.

And did you know they make videos out of the dance numbers? Just tune into Asian Variety Show (AVS) TV almost any time of the day on cable and you'll catch music videos made of the dance scenes from the latest movies."Desi Girl" from the movie Dostana is getting much airplay right now. And thanks to YouTube I can stream the dance version into my living room anytime I want.

Ah! Remember when Hollywood used to make movies like these? Like Bye Bye Birdie starring Paul Lynde, Ann-Margaret, and Dick Van Dyke? Yes, we do have to go back that far to find them in the US.

Ok, I may be showing my age, but I still got the moves!

- Farmer Ted

Calling IT names...

2008-11-02T20:23:00.005-05:00

By "IT" I mean the information technology departments in the world. And we all have names for IT, none complimentary, for what we see as their policy implementations being an impediment to our doing what we feel we need to do with our company computing resources.

This has been borne out by a study published at Forbes.com that has found that almost 3/4 of us think that IT unnecessarily limits the use of technology it delivers without any explanation of why. But the question I found most illuminating was this one: When IT limits the use of technology, does it provide alternative ways to accomplish tasks? Yes: 19%; No: 81%. From discussions with Butters (an ex-IT manager) about this and how people complain and complain, I noted that engineers are an exception to that behavior.

From your puzzled expression I see I need to continue.

Engineers love a challenge and are trained to solve problems, so restricting the use of technology with a commandment-like start of "THOU SHALT NOT..." with no plausible explanation means one thing: Engineers are, sure as shootin', gonna immediately try to find a way to circumvent it.

And they will. Oh yeah, they will.

So all you IT folks out there, if your user population includes engineers who complain and then go silent? Look to your systems! Like a 5-yo that suddenly gets quiet in their play, it means they're doing something you probably don't want them to.

- Farmer Ted

Halloween hell...

2008-10-30T21:07:00.005-04:00

It's October 31 which means it's Halloween! While here in Australia it's more of an adult holiday with costume parties galore, for kids there isn't much in it for 'em. While I remember getting upwards of 80 trick-or-treaters come to my door, here people at work tell me if they get a half dozen visits that's a good year.

I have pretty fond memories of trick-or-treating from growing up: the dressing up (as a ghost if your mom didn't remember in time); the wonder of going from house-to-house hoping for something good (i.e., no fruit); the spreading out of your booty afterward and trading the ones you didn't like with your siblings (I still can't stand Mary Jane's); and finally trying to get to sleep despite the sugar high.

But there was a dark side to the activity as well. Older kids - I'm talking 12/13 yo - that would lay in wait to ambush unsuspecting Little Red Riding Hoods and Fred Flintstones who wandered too far outside the group. Like lions in wait for the young and infirm they would pounce, taking your candy and leaving you with a headful of shaving cream or at worst Nair. For a near miss you may get hit by an egg thrown at you so you'd arrive home looking like you were in some demented yellow & white paintball game. And if during the mad dash for safety one of your band fell behind or was caught? Hmph! You ran all the faster as their "sacrifice" meant you would arrive home with all your candy and your eyebrows intact.

Yeah, I guess even as a kid there were good sides and bad sides to things. As Butters observed when I related my memories, "Eh, it was just preparing you for life."

Truer words...

- Farmer Ted

The road less travelled...

2008-09-12T01:31:00.008-04:00

Two good friends of mine went on vacation to a very unlikely place: Iceland. Wouldn't have thought of it myself until I saw some of the pictures they brought back.

Quaint and lovely, eh?

- Farmer Ted

Telling time on the road...

2008-08-11T21:12:00.005-04:00

Did you know there must be about 823,479 makes of alarm clock in the world? I think there must be because as I've traveled around the world from hotel to hotel I think I've been a victim of all of 'em.

Take the place I'm in now. It has a clock radio that has about a dozen buttons on the face of it, none of which seem to control the clock in any way. Featuring two alarms, I somehow was able to set both of them to go off repeatedly throughout the night with no clear way to either stop them or turn them off, the first night scaring me so badly I nearly bolted from the room.

Doing an online search on how to manage this thing I discovered something chilling: this clock radio has a support page. Yes, a support page. Lemme just make a common sense observation and say that any clock radio that has that much online angst has to be a bad choice for a home let alone a hotel.

My vote for best clock radio had to be the one I had at a Hyatt earlier this year. Not only did it have an iPod dock but the controls were actually easy to use. I wanted to take the durn thing with me, I was so impressed with it (don't worry, I left it there).

Sure, I can hear some of you wondering why I don't just use a wake-up call from the hotel.

And to you I say, "Wimps!"

- Farmer Ted

Cooper Enquirer...

2008-08-10T11:20:00.012-04:00

So what's happened to Anderson Cooper now that he's gone mainstream on CNN? While the fledgling Anderson Cooper 360 was quick-witted, almost irreverent in lampooning headlines of the day, it seems as though as his show was recognized and moved to a prime spot (the show now bearing the moniker AC360) he lost that objectivity, his pithiness turned bitter and then downright, well, crazy.

Take his reporting on the recent Senator John Edwards scandal, something I really don't care about since Mr Edwards has been politically off-center for months and doesn't effect my life in the slightest. While AC360 on-line coverage is quite circumspect, Cooper's on-air discussions about the affair on Saturday as the story broke was worthy of an article in National Enquirer magazine:

"They expect us to believe that he hired this woman for a $144,000 a year job after just meeting her in a bar? Does this pass the smell test?" he hammered unmercifully at his on-air guest, who in this case WAS ANOTHER AC360 STAFFER.

*tap*tap*

Uh, hello? What's wrong with this scenario? Let's think. Maybe it lacks all sense of credibility and relevance? The old Anderson would have struggled to get a party official or someone close to the issue to give a perspective, rather than having reporters interviewing each other; winding each other up like neighbors gossiping about an errant husband over a back fence. Yellow journalism at it's very best.

"That a good point there, Anderson!" his staffer expectantly gushed to the observation.

As Senator Edwards said during his ABC News interview regarding his state of mind during the affair:

"...it's the same old thing again. Adulation, respect, admiration. [...] All of which fed a self-focus, an egotism, a narcissism that leads you to believe that you can do whatever you want. You're invincible. And there will be no consequences. And nothing, nothing could be further from the truth."

Are you paying attention, Mr Cooper?

- Farmer Ted

PS. Andy? It was me that submitted the "multi-colored hydra" comment to your production team about the old set.

Observing the Aussies: Banks as robbers...

2008-08-03T21:43:00.004-04:00

As an American I just don't get it.

I'm talking about the way Australia banks, arguably one of the most protected sectors in Australia, are allowed to make money off its citizens. No, "make money" is too kind a word: "pillage" is more like it.

For my non-Aussie readers, mortgage interest rates here aren't like in the US where the vast majority of such are fixed rate over the life of the loan. Meaning you can get a 30-year mortgage locked in at the rate the bank initially lend it to you so your monthly payment will never change. Here in Australia, generally the loan interest rate is not fixed and can change at any time over the loan period - even monthly. So if the banks decide to raise rates, then your loan rate goes up as well and so does your monthly payment. Once this rate was loosely tied to the prime rate set by the Reserve Bank of Australia (RBA), but that has gone out the window in the face of the current global credit crisis, as rather than take any loss of profits Australian banks have shown their true colors and unabashedly decoupled mortgage rates from the RBA rate, charging any rate they choose.

So what does that mean? Rather than take any loss in profits due to their misguided quick-money schemes and financial mismanagement, the Australian borrowing public is treated as a huge piggy bank where by raising interest rates the banks bring in more money to cover any shortfalls. How egregious is this robbery? National Australia Bank just announced they would have to take a $1.2Bn write down to cover bad loans and so would raise mortgage rates to cover it. But that's not the whole story: even WITHOUT the rate rise they would be making $3Bn in profit, the rise is just being used to make their projected profit of $4Bn.

Interest rates are now hovering just under 10%.

What's most pitiable is the RBA thinks they actually control the money policy in Australia and the Government thinks they control the economy, keeping it from spiraling dangerously close to what some are calling a recession; completely ignoring that the banks are the ones controlling the money supply and are in truth killing the economy by sucking away its buying power.

Maybe it's because at one time banks were government-owned entities charged with protecting consumers there has been no outcry yet; just the citizenry obediently turning out their pockets to the banks all the while whinging to the Government about how everything is getting so bad.

What's that smell in the air? It's coffee. Time to wake-up Australia.

- Farmer Ted

Xmas in July...

2008-07-31T22:05:00.003-04:00

I don't know if you remember, but I wrote about having a lot of problems with celebrating Christmas here in Australia. I mean, how can it be Christmas when it's 90F, everyone is wearing shorts and there's not an evergreen tree in sight. As a matter of fact, they sell artificial palm trees with Christmas decorations in stores.

So I resolved to hold a Xmas in July celebration. Why July? Because it's winter here in Australia, meaning in this area is cold, windy, and damp - just like back in the northeastern US. And I wasn't the only one with the idea as several stores actually were holding Christmas in July sales on holiday goods like plates, ornaments, and party favors. I stocked up!

And you know what? The evening went off without a hitch. With Butters, Charms, and Sase I threw a celebration with a little Christmas tree, gifts, and a turkey dinner with all the trimmings. With holiday music playing it was a grand time. I even tried my hand at lemon curd tart with lemons from our own Meyer lemon tree that we'd nursed through the heat and drought that nearly killed it during the regular Christmas season.

For the first time I really began to feel at home here.

- Farmer Ted

Channel 9 check, ok...

2008-07-10T00:50:00.006-04:00

Did you know that US airliners let you hear the chatter between pilots and the different Air Traffic Controllers (ATC) along the flight route? Yep, just turn to entertainment channel 9 at your seat. To me, it's cool hearing the ATC instruct your flight to change altitude or course and feel the plane doing it.

In explanation, as your flight travels, it's actually handed off from one regional ATC to the next until finally it gets handed to the ATC of your destination airport. Just think of elementary school kids going down a hallway, being directed from one room's teacher to the next until they get to the right room and you'll get the picture.

But from hearing some of the harried chatter as the ATC direct what seem to be dozens of flight each, it's obvious that analogy is closer to reality than you think. And no wonder as they try to communicate effectively with pilots with German accents, Australian accents, Chinese accents, and a pilot that sounded suspiciously like Steve Martin doing his best "Wild & Crazy Guy" voice.

For instance instead of using the proper letter designation of "hotel-yankee-kilo" for "HYK," hearing that Martin alike stumble out with "Uh, was that Harry-yellow-Karen?" By the stunned pause the ATC was probably banging her head on the desk before affirming the request using the proper designation. I could swear she added the word "..moron!" under her breath but maybe I'm just projecting.

Pilots were negotiating routes and being overruled by ATC constantly for safety reasons; questioning instructions with the unasked, "But why me!" hanging in the air. I'll bet it was with relief the ATC hand over the more recalcitrant pilots to the next ATC region.

Meanwhile I got served my ice cream dessert, glad I was sitting back in the cabin.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Rights defended...

2008-07-03T02:37:00.005-04:00

So the US Supreme Court has ruled to defeat the Washington DC district-wide ban on handguns, claiming in a sharply-divided decision that it violated the 2nd Amendment to the US Constitution, The Right to Bear Arms.

Personally, I've never believed in civilians holding firearms, believing in the letter of the 2nd Amendment that unless it's in furtherance of "a well regulated militia." Even though I'm in the minority on this.

What was predicted has come about: a flurry of lawsuits are being filed against gun-control laws all across the US, the most egregious I think being the National Rifle Association (NRA) filing a suit against the ban on handguns in public housing projects in San Francisco. Perhaps the NRA feels, in furtherance of the sentiments expressed by Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, that arming denizens of housing projects might be one way to "decrease the surplus population."

While meant as a send-up on gun owners, this might be eerily prescient:

It's at times like these I'm glad I'm living elsewhere for now.

- Farmer Ted

Trust me...

2008-07-01T02:32:00.004-04:00

While returning recently from (yet) another trip back to the US and something struck me as highly suspicious.

Anyone who's come into Australia knows how seriously the Australian Quarantine and Inspection Service (AQIS) take protecting the place from outside infestations. These infestations can take the form of fruit flies, vermin, and even the odd chocolate biscuit.

Their first line of defense is the beagle. That's right, I'm talking about the little brown-and-white spotted dog.

While you're waiting for your luggage at any Australian port of entry, these 4-legged government agents wander at will, casting about for any food contraband in your possession. Should you be marked by the little beasties the agents praise them while they rifle through your belongings trying to find the offending leftover chocolate bar.

But that got me to thinking: who says the dogs are honest? I mean, they get praise lavished on them when they mark a bag, so who says they're not marking just for kicks?

Think about it: who questions the ethics of a detector beagle, looking as little and cute as they do?

Um-hm. I'm just sayin...

- Farmer Ted

Yawwwwn...

2008-06-20T02:22:00.002-04:00

Do you know the average person needs 20 minutes of wakening in the morning? I saw this on a BBC special recently. Except in my case, it's more like 2 hrs and 15 minutes. Met up with Pinchy while in Sydney this weekend. Over dinner he mentioned it takes him 30 minutes from alarm clock going off to hitting the pavement to walk to work. That includes shower, shave, dress, and breakfast. His girlfriend Kat nodded agreement.

(BLINK)

It takes me 30 minutes before I stop hitting the snooze button.

Dunno what's wrong with me then. But it does give me more time to enjoy the process. To stop and look out the window at the sun coming up. To let a good hot shower slowly waken me. And then to enjoy my toast with jam gotten from The Jam Lady in Robe, listening to ABC Classic FM.

Ya know, somehow I think I'm getting the better deal.

- Farmer Ted

Shocking pink...

2008-06-18T23:50:00.004-04:00

While having a coffee the other day, one of my Aussie co-workers related a weird story he'd heard on the news. Something about a woman holding a gathering of women in her home where, instead of buying Tupperware or Avon, they sold tasers.

Now, I fully expected he was kidding me as usual (or as they would say, "taking the piss") about the violent culture of the US, but on a little investigation I found out it's true. In fashion colors, yet. But just as dangerous.

So gone are the old days of a wife standing in the door holding a rolling pin when the errant husband comes stumbling in at all hours. Instead, she'll now be holding her nightgown-matching taser at the ready.

Wife: And just where were you until 1am, mister?
Husband: [moving in to kiss her] Working late hon...
Wife: [raises taser to his neck] ZAP! Where?
Husband: [now on his knees] A flat tire. I swear it was a flat tire. I...
Wife: ZAP! WHERE?
Husband: [twitching helplessly on the floor] A pub. I was at a pub with the guys! I'm soooorrrry!
Wife: [smugly] Mm-hm. Thought so.

Life at home will never be the same.

- Farmer Ted

La plus ca change...

2008-06-17T02:54:00.003-04:00

Visiting Sydney this past and very rainy weekend I was looking for a place indoors to pass the time. Coming upon The Art Gallery of New South Wales I wandered in.

Three things struck me.

The first thing that struck me was in the US we would call this edifice an art museum. But not being the pedantic type, I let that go in the face of the second thing: it appeared half of Sydney was also looking for a place to go, anywhere to go, just as long as it was out of the rain. Ducking out of this madhouse of humanity and into the first empty-looking exhibit hall I found myself immersed in Chinese artifacts dating back to the 1600's. Graceful pottery, exquisite statuary, and rich textiles abounded. Then the third thing struck me: what happened to any semblance of this ancient culture? From having just come from Paddy's Market, I did know what it had turned into.

All I could do was sigh.

On the train to the airport a bedraggled woman shepherding some very bored youngsters was in a seat nearby. One of her brood, seeing a sign for the Museum of Sydney on the wall, asked "What's a museum?" to which the mother replied "It's a very interesting place."

And I thought, "Interesting? Talk about the kiss of death as far as THAT kid ever stepping foot into one."

I'm just sayin...

- Farmer Ted

The Smoking Gun overlooked: Vehicles adornments...

2008-05-27T03:02:00.007-04:00

Yet another news item out of Florida (US) missed by the editors of The Smoking Gun.

State moves to ban fake testicles on vehicles

Again, you can't make this stuff up, folks!

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: The Oracle of Seneca speaks...

2008-05-22T22:22:00.007-04:00

Seneca, South Carolina (US) I mean. And by that I'm referring to John Edwards, who finally threw his endorsement to Barack Obama as the Democratic Party candidate in the upcoming US presidential elections.

When you think about it, our John was a man who held his own counsel about who to back. Like the Oracle of Delphi, eyes closed in a seeming trance ignoring supplicants until ready to speak. After all, what was at stake was being chosen as a running mate to the winner of this bloody battle for supremacy between the good Senators.

No sense in speaking before the die seems cast, right?

Thus, the endorsement of Senator Obama by John Edwards is easily seen as an indication of the state of Senator Clinton's hopes for Democratic presidential candidacy.

And given how her ill-spoken observation "how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me" is foolhardy considering that Edwards counts the same constituency; putting into my head that an Obama-Edwards ticket could be a winner for the Democrats.

Who knew that Mrs Clinton has oracular talent as well.

- Farmer Ted

Import/Export...

2008-05-16T02:10:00.003-04:00

Everyone here who knows someone overseas does it. I mean have visiting friends from the US bring over items for them, almost always items unavailable here in Australia.

For me, that's pretty much personal grooming products that - like everyone - I find I like but just can't seem to find the same ones over here. Well almost. You see, I like Aveda products; which are available here. Only for some reason they are 2- to 3-times as expensive in Australia as in the US despite the current exchange rate. Look at this price comparison chart:

So since I don't have an organ to spare, I have friends bring over whatever I'm out of. Each sorta like my own personal "Chanel" Corby, so-to-speak.

But at least I look my best.

- Farmer Ted

Have I got a tip for you...

2008-05-08T02:28:00.003-04:00

One of the favorite sports here is Australian Rules Football or "footy". There are 16 teams in a an organization called the Australian Football League or AFL. Patterned after the NFL, each team is a franchise and is associated with an Australian city. In the case of where I am, there are two footy teams.

And like in US football, fans are rabid over AFL and their local teams. Not being a big NFL fan and on top of that being American, I can't say I get all the AFL excitement. Especially since some of their uniforms are pretty dumb looking.

But I have been to a footy match and participate in an activity here called "footy tipping." Footy tipping is essentially and organized selection of the winning teams each week for fun. I do it just to be sociable, truth-to-tell.

Like I said, not being from here I have absolutely no affiliation with any team or strong feelings at all about any particular one for that matter. So when I tip, it's pretty logical and unsentimental. I look at the favorites, remember any team news I'd heard, figure there'll be a few upsets and then make my selections for the 8 matches played per weekend.

I was 8/8 last week, 7/8 the past two weeks and am #2 out of 55 on the rankings ladder in my competition.

Let me just say this has not endeared me to the Australians on the ladder, who find it unthinkable a "yank" could out-guess them at their own game; meaning they hardly stop by to say "congratulations", that's for sure.

Oh well, bitterness never is pretty.

- Farmer Ted

The oldest profession...

2008-05-07T02:50:00.003-04:00

AppleTV has been an absolute godsend in keeping connected back to the US. With it, I can access the US-based iTunes storefront, downloading content such as TV programs and music that are relevant to the culture. One ability of AppleTV is to download video podcasts. These podcasts are free and cover an amazing breadth of topics from health, to cooking, to many news programs like "Meet The Press". It also allows me to download the daily evening news broadcasts from ABC, NBC, and CBS.

Showing a video podcast of the NBC Nightly News to my Aussie friends, we came to a piece where Andrea Mitchell - a well-respected TV news journalist - was doing a field report. A derisive comment was made about how old she was.

And you know what, she is. Something you don't see on Australian TV news programs. This reminded me of an interview show I saw here with TV news journalists in which all the females on the panel (who were of a certain age) were lamenting about the short shelf-life of female journalists. All is well when you're young and buxom, but start getting a wrinkle and you're made redundant faster than an FAA inspector at Southwest Airlines.

Or Mary Kostakidis from SBS World News Australia.
Or Jessica Rowe from Channel 9's Today Show.

Add to that in the US female journalist are paid on parity with men (and at 51, Katie Couric is the highest paid TV news anchor followed closely by Meredith Viera at 54 on NBC's Today Show) and I think they get a much better deal in America. Paid for your experience rather than how you look in a push-up bra.

I can't help being one those watching the news for, well, news.

- Farmer Ted

Observing the Aussies: Falling down commemorating...

2008-04-30T23:18:00.004-04:00

This past weekend was ushered in by the celebration of ANZAC Day, marking the anniversary of the first major military action fought by Australian and New Zealand Army Corps (ANZAC) forces during the First World War. Unfortunately this military action was the tragic 1915 events at Gallipoli.

In recent times, ANZAC Day is observed by a rather solemn dawn service generally followed by (according to Wikipedia) "social gatherings of veterans, hosted either in a pub or in an RSL Club."

Now the astute reader will notice by this description the social gathering in the pub immediately follows the dawn service. But what it doesn't say is that the gathering in the pub or RSL often precedes the dawn service as well. It also fails mention that the RSL - which serves the same purpose as the VFW Posts in the US - also serves free alcohol to service members all day. Can you see where this is leading?

How come we can't celebrate like this in the US? Our Memorial Day is so stodgy!

I'm just sayin...

- Farmer Ted

How did The Smoking Gun miss this one...

2008-04-25T04:56:00.004-04:00

South Jersey cop charged with barnyard sex

You can't make this stuff up, folks.

- Farmer Ted

International House of Horrors: Please print clearly...

2008-04-24T02:58:00.006-04:00

A self-admitted key mandate of the US Department of Homeland Security's charter to keep the country safe is to verify the exit of visitors by collecting the same type of biometric data (fingerprints and digital pictures) now supplied upon entry. This would allow matching entry and exit of visitors to keep track of them.

Reasonable and necessary? Definitely!

But the problem is the proposed implementation. In a baffling bureaucratic decision, the DHS is again resting this responsibility in the hands of the private transportation industry. A duty that would add an uncompensated financial burden on the industry of up to $3Bn dollars over 10 years.

The current system depends of the dreaded I-94 form that is filled out upon entry, a stub stapled in the visitor's passport and collected upon exit by the airline providing international carriage. For anyone who has non-US friends, we've all heard stories of this collection routinely not happening, most often by simple oversight. Yet try and re-enter without having had it collected: according to DHS, you've obviously tried to stay in the US and are obliged to provide them proof of exit, despite the fact you're physically standing in front of the customs agent re-entering.

Yet this is the process they want to leave in the hands of that same industry, only now collecting MORE data and not just the stub of the passport-stapled green form.

Does anyone but me see the madness in this?

Many other countries have solved the problem simply: their immigration department sets up an exit passport control much like the entry process; one where the agent instantly knows whether you've overstayed your welcome. And if all is ok, check you out with no fuss, bother or the use of staple removers.

And ya know, I would much rather place that duty of security in the hands of someone who's job it is and is trained to do it, than someone trying to load a plane that's late while someone with screaming kids is standing in front of them demanding everyone get seats together.

I know, why not ask Boeing to give back the almost $1Bn they're getting for that swiss-cheese of a border fence and use the money to do what actually needs to be done?

- Farmer Ted

I ain't got no minutes...

2008-04-20T23:36:00.004-04:00

Just got back from a quick visit home to visit my rather extended family in the southern US. While driving around their small town with my rather taciturn teenage cousin, both Butters and I were amazed at the brevity with which she could hold a conversation on her pay-as-you-go cell phone. Most "conversations" consisted of a string of mono-syllables often ending simply with the sharp *snap* of the flip-phone closing.

Ah, teenagers!

But the one that struck us most funny was when she would receive a call from someone she didn't particularly want to talk to. Then would come a scornful, "What'chu calling me for? I ain't go no minutes!" *snap*

How laden with so much was that one phrase, instantly letting the other person know she didn't want to be bothered by them, the topic, or any conversation with them on any topic. How I would love to incorporate that phrase into my own life:

When I paid good money for the James Patterson book "The Quickie" with its annoyingly insipid and transparent plot; tossing it into a paper recycle barrel not 1/3 the way through?

I ain't got no minutes!

When the person next to me on a flight starts talking to me, telling far too much about his/her life for any complete stranger? I just put on my noise-canceling headphones and close my eyes.

I ain't got no minutes!

When I hear the US trying to explain why we're fighting where we are despite a scathing GAO report saying our foreign policy is a complete failure?

I ain't got no minutes!

Sure my cousin may be young, but sometimes life's lessons can come from the most unexpected sources.

- Farmer Ted